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#349580 - 01/02/11 03:55 PM my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING*
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1276
Loc: kansas
ok.... i'm feeling really weird, scared, and about to cancel this post before i even start it, but i want to push through this. i want to stand up to a part of me that's scaring the hell outta me and win instead of being a coward....

no, this isn't about labels such as whether i'm heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. this is about being ok with being a sexual person at all....

*feels sick to my stomach*......

all my life there have been many factors in it that has pushed the ideal that sex is wrong. from growing up in a very strict religious home, to the abuse i went through as a kid, to even the ridicule and taunts that i would receive throughout childhood and into adult life....

here i am, almost 40 years old and, for the most part, i'm really ignorant to sex. i remember as a kid all the stories i would hear from buddies, the jokes being made, even by me although a lot of them i didn't even understand.

the couple of times i tried to have a serious discussion about sex i was shut down by my folks really quick on it and my friends made fun of me for being ignorant. even into adulthood the couple of times i tried having a serious discussion about it i would get teased and taunted for my ignorance. made to feel like i'm not normal.

when i would get asked if i was a virgin i would answer truthfully and say yes, i would get "the look". the look that screams "are you from mars?"... even had one guy ask me if i was crazy because i was still a virgin...this cut me to my core.. made me feel even lower and worthless...

throughout my life sex has been such a painful topic to me that i couldn't bring it up anymore... so much pain attributed to it that i seriously thought about medical castration so that i wouldn't have to worry about it anymore...

gosh, i feel like puking right now....

it wasn't until about 6 months ago that i finally came to a point that i wouldn't feel guilty about mb'ing anymore..

i'm now trying to open myself up to the thoughts and feelings that it's ok to be sexual and to explore that side of me and enjoy it, not feel guilty about it, and get the thoughts out of my head that sex is wrong... i just want to be a healthy sexual person...

*uuughhhh*... can't believe i just put this out there... i better hit submit before i change my mind...

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#349582 - 01/02/11 04:15 PM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Obi]
many_mees Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/23/09
Posts: 286
Obi

What you just did... Takes guts, man.

To put this topic out there and take this huge step is evidence of your growth concerning your recovery. I'm proud of you for doing this, man.

Let me tell you something... You are more mature, more centered and more sensitive about the subject of sex by posting this than most men I know.

This shows a facet of your being that reveals strength. I wish you every success as you work through this this year.

You have my support, buddy. And my respect.

Sam


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#349584 - 01/02/11 04:36 PM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: many_mees]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1276
Loc: kansas
thanks sambro...

i'm still really nervous and scared that i put all that out there for everyone, including the rest of the world, to know this about me... *bleh*....

however, your support, for me, though this means the world to me!!! thank you!

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

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#349586 - 01/02/11 04:53 PM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: many_mees]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
All I know to say is good job! This is a great step to reclaiming something that you need not feel shame for in any way.

Keep making claims to that which is rightfully yours.



Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#349587 - 01/02/11 05:15 PM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: prisonerID]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1276
Loc: kansas
thanks daryl....

i appreciate your support as well... i really need all the support i can get...

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#349602 - 01/02/11 07:24 PM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Obi]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 279
Wow can I identify with that. I'm just getting social enough that it could matter, and I know people can tell. I've just been so terrified of people my whole life.


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#349604 - 01/02/11 07:27 PM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Obi]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Obi
....i better hit submit before i change my mind...


hi obi, i'm really glad you are expressing yourself and hope you feel comfortable continuing to explore in the safety of this board.

it pains me to read when fellow men can't be sexual selves in this society.

its interesting to me also, how each of us internalize sexuality. where does our "sexual being" come from? i was raised catholic, parents never said a word about sex; but nuns said masturbation was sinful; premarital sex equaled immediate hell when we die; and homosexuality, well you went to a place even worse than hell. however, i did not believe them.

"why?" why didn't this boy who prayed daily to the blessed mother believe the nuns, priests, bible, kids on my block who spread falsehoods; while some of my buddies did fall for sexual myths? well, how will we ever know the answers until men openly discuss, embrace and explore their sexuality?

i'm still waiting for male liberation to take the nation by storm! :-) and i think of how many guys would finally be set free.

_________________________
Jeff

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#349633 - 01/03/11 09:17 AM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Obi]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Congratulations on sharing - I know it took a lot. smile

You've taken the first step and now you'll take others. It'll feel scary, uncomfortable and counterintuitive. That's okay - you're so used to living with an unhealthy burden that being healthy will feel uncomfortable at first.

Keep going: you're doing fine.


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#349636 - 01/03/11 10:00 AM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I'm so very proud of you brother ...so damn proud...have no more words...

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My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#349637 - 01/03/11 10:41 AM Re: my own sexuality *TRIGGER WARNING* [Re: Darkheart]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1276
Loc: kansas
thanks to all of you for the support and being proud of me....

it means the world to me to know i have this support...

especially in this area where it's a major issue with me and i'm just now tackling it....

i'll be, hopefully, getting set up with a t here soon within a few weeks to help me further in this issue, as well as other core issues, that are just too big for me to deal with on my own...

i will still need all of you guys here on ms for your support and guidance in this issue... it pains me that i don't have a healthy look at sex yet... however, i'm making attempts at trying to get rid of those thoughts and really branch out beyond my comfort zone!

that's the key point right there.... branch out beyond my comfort zone... wow! i've said those words before and have heard them spoken to me before but this is the first time they have taken on such a deep, strong meaning to me....

yes, i'm terrified to take that step outside my comfort zone....

BUT, DAMNIT!, I'M GOING TO STEP OUT OF THAT COMFORT ZONE!

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