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#349438 - 12/31/10 05:50 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: WriterKeith]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
I am absorbing very word of every response to this thread's question. Words are inadequate in expressing my thanks for your candid responses. I am learning a great deal about the issues and myself through your replies.
Please do continue. It's like someone is unloading a stack of wet firewood from my arms.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#349439 - 12/31/10 05:56 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Thanks, Ken, your article is perfect. I will be using it for reference as I find my way.

What an interesting book title, "Evicting the Perpetrator." Where can I find out more about your book? I am curious about its contents and your inspiration for writing it.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#349440 - 12/31/10 05:59 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: prisonerID]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I see forgiveness differently.
I think it is important to distinguish something here. You are not "granting him forgiveness". What you and all of us are doing when we forgive our abusers is letting go inside ourselves of the thing that we control, our connection through the pain to that person. Our forgiving them gives them nothing, it only releases us from the agony of wanting to take revenge, or just wondering why, or whatever it is singular or plural, that you may be obsessing on. Letting that go by the symbolic act of forgiving them, helps us and in no way removes their responsibility legal and otherwise for what they did to us. They may think they have relief but they don't and not being able to see that is part of the penalty for them of being so dishonest and perverted.

To my mind if it were me and my father, I would not hesitate to tell every single one of the people he so proudly humiliated you in front of by telling those stories exactly what your doing those thigs was about.
I respect your ability to stay compartmentalized and be constructive in this. I hope someday to naturally be that way too.

KT

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#349444 - 12/31/10 06:54 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: prisonerID]
tommyb Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 361
Loc: American South
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#349490 - 01/01/11 11:27 AM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: weharry1959]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Originally Posted By: weharry1959
... sometimes, the best I can do, is just forgive for today. Something will always trigger a thought or emotion and I get mired in it and feel that forgiveness is not in the cards for me. But, if I can forgive today, it'll last until I need to forgive again. Maybe I'll make it two days, maybe a week. But I am a happier man knowing that I can forgive and that the oweness falls upon the offender to work out their problems while there are always a natural consequence for their (our) behaviors.


This quote is worth repeating. This suggestions strikes me as a most powerful tool to keep handy in the tool belt.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#349499 - 01/01/11 12:21 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: WriterKeith]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Quote:
What an interesting book title, "Evicting the Perpetrator." Where can I find out more about your book? I am curious about its contents and your inspiration for writing it.


Hi Keith:
The book is available through the MS bookstore here or directly from Amazon or the publisher, NEARI Press. It was inspired by my work with survivors and offenders for over 30 years and what I saw as the damage the perpetrators did to survivors' brains. The concept is that long after the abuse ends, the perpetrator remains in the brains or many survivors who are still affected by the abuse, even though now safe.

Welcome to MS and hope we can help your healing.


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#349505 - 01/01/11 01:23 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
WK...

I think for me...forgiveness...was a bridge to far.

within the context of the definition of pardoning...(the bridge is half and not twice as far).

...I guess what I am trying to say is that in some discussions people look at this in exactly the opposite way...(what is important to me...is the concept and not the verbage.

A place where I could start to half way forgive the person...without EVER forgiving the act...is my rallying point...

Often I have found myself back at pardoning and had to cross that other bridge again...

The reason for doing this initially...was a personal endevor...that helped with all the consuming negative emotions surrounding it. (shame and anger...etc...).

What I have found...beyond that..relates to Ken Singer's book...


Magic Power (Triumph)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#349507 - 01/01/11 02:22 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: 1islandboy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Thanks, Island and Ken, I'll get my hands on a copy of the book before I send my letter.

Pardon vs. forgive..that's interesting to me. Throughout this process have I have grown more impressed with the power of the subconscious mind. I am amazed at the human mind's ability to retrieve records of events decades earlier in order to launch a "fight-or-flight-or-freeze" in response to a perceived threat.

Thanks for the great input.

_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#349511 - 01/01/11 03:10 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: prisonerID]
oldguy Offline


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 61
Loc: st louis, MO
I am a father with grown children, a grandfather with grown grandchildren and a greatgrandfather with small greatgrandchildren. I thank my God that, screwed up as I have been in my life, I have never had the desire to sexually abuse them. I understand that but for the grace of God that could be me. What I cannot understand is a perp who makes light of what hapened. Myself, I believe that I would be sunk in shame and guilt. I couldn't forgive someone who has zero remorse and no understanding of the evil that he did. I suppose that when he was a child he may have been subjected to CSA but still..... I am sorry for what you endured and still endure. You can't get water from a dry well. Cutting him out of your life was a courageous and logical step to take. May you find some serenity and peace. Oldguy


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#349514 - 01/01/11 03:52 PM Re: Does it help to confront &/or forgive your abuser? [Re: oldguy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 945
Loc: southern California
Thanks, oldguy. I only wish I would have connected with this group earlier in life. The particular brand of religious upbringing I was raised in kept me strapped to my father with obligation imposed from God. Our denominational doctrine demanded complete submission of children to their fathers. Even within the past 10 years I quit my job to assist him through a series of surgeries because he refused professional in-home assistance. I withdrew most of my retirement savings for expenses, and when I returned to work after 18 months of caring for him, I was accused of abandoning him. I'd crossed the 40 year mark, faced age discrimination, the job market slumped, and I haven't been able to recover my career or finances. 10 years ago I was a staff writer for the Walt Disney Company. Now I'm sleeping on a pallet in a rented room and barely making it paycheck to paycheck. However, I am healthy and determined. Also, I am a writer and I'm finding that my story may be considered one hell of a read for some.



Edited by WriterKeith (01/01/11 04:01 PM)
_________________________
"A burned bridge can be a gift; it prevents us from returning to a place we should have never been."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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