Never give up!

Robbie,

I have two responses:

1) It doesn't matter HOW/WHY my car got in the ditch, I need to get it out and keep driving down to the destination I was created for.

2) Why? Because my perps were abused before me: sexual abuse is learned behavior, IMHO.

Gratefully, my csa was part of a larger neighborhood operation that I resisted joining when I was older-teen age boys were the preferred target, I was a bystander who was victimized at age 9.

I say this because I know why these boys abused me:

they were abused themselves. (They also have ended up with wasted, miserable lives, haunted and conflicted by the path they took-I watched one of them die 36 years afterwards, and I thank God I didn't follow that path.)

Tell me, how would knowing "WHY" help you in your life today?

My skills and daily practice at unlearning all those consequential behaviors of my csa are much more important than an explanation why.

MB,

My compulsion to know the "how and why" of the older boys comes from a few reasonings.

1) They were 4 years older and I was 7.5. I really need to know why I was culled From the neighborhood jammed with boys my age.

2) You might detect I'm still full (as in FULL) of rage when it comes to abuse of any child or adult.

3) I'm under heavy (as in fkg heavy) attack for being a victim. You would not believe what the courts, the lawyers are able to mis-construe, spin and leverage out of the world's knee-jerk belief in the myths. Being educated and conversant in "why/how me" will help in divorce court as I have been positioned as complicit/culpable in my own abuse.

4) Learning how/why helps me emotionally as there are some roots of the abuse memory plant that have not been severed.

5) I'm being blamed for not disclosing sooner.

6) My childhood vaporized at the hands of adolecents. I want to know why. I want to know how.

7) During that era in Massachusetts, what happened to me was not even a real crime because it was child-on-child and thusly considered simple misdemeanor assault. However it would have been thrown-out of court as "boys fight."

I have to stop as even typing about these factors upsets me.

Rob,

I searched this in relation to another post. Maybe there is some stuff that is of some use? What happened to me happened at the hands of a peer. I know it is a little different than your story, but I too often wonder why. Actually, short note here, but that peer contacted me on facebook this summer. I was able to get a personal email address out of him. It appears he later deleted his facebook account, and he has not responded to any of my emails I have sent him starting this fall. I am just looking for some answers myself. But that is all a side tangent.

Actually, related to that, do you know the guys that did this? Could you track them down? Or were they just nameless older boys from the neighborhood (I know at that age we really don't know who everyone is)?

Anyway, here is the link:
google search

Eric

My copy of this book arrived. I browsed it but haven't read it yet. It looks like it would answer some of your questions. I'll post again after reading it. I'm a slow reader. The book looks kind of "clinical" but that's probably what you want with a subject like that.

Allen

I know them all too well, and for too many years.