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#349376 - 12/31/10 12:42 AM Re: Affect on career [Re: westchesterguy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
Jeff,
That was perfectly stated. You gave us a lot to ponder.

I actually enjoy keeping my privacy, well, "private," but you know how it is in the work environment.. "Are you married? Do you have kids? Are you seeing anyone? No? Are you gay?"

It never, EVER, occurs to anyone that maybe I don't talk about it because I have a dark reason for not wanting to be intimate with ANYONE.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#349378 - 12/31/10 12:50 AM Re: Affect on career [Re: WriterKeith]
brokenleg Offline


Registered: 01/05/10
Posts: 65
Thanks for the chance to vent. I thought I was alone in this one.
I have been keeping distance with other people. I have never given them a chance to know me. So I've always ended up in same position.


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#349392 - 12/31/10 09:39 AM Re: Affect on career [Re: WriterKeith]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
...maybe I don't talk about it because I have a dark reason for not wanting to be intimate with ANYONE.


to go deeper then... can that dark reason (linked to sexual abuse) impact our professional skills in that it limits some task in the workplace? i think the answer is different for each of us - but if the answer is "yes" what does that mean exactly? are we technically "disabled" in the scheme of a productive workforce?

the new, current complexity is that we are having this discussion at a tumultuous time in this nation for career/jobs. the stats have never played out so poorly before. the most underemployed and underutilized workforce since tracking began post-ww2. there are fewer professional men working now than 10 years ago, mainly because they either gave up after layoff or fell out of society somehow. the only new job creation (really) is coming from lower-level services -- home depot will take anyone, but try paying your mortgage on that salary. meanwhile, the colleges crank out newbies who --on paper-- appear to be incredibly ambitious to hiring managers.

lastly, i question our ability to network. does sexual abuse **and recovery** affect something that really should be quite easy to do? i highlight the word recovery... because in my case, i learned to despise the same nonsense, double talk, and small talk that built up to my rape in the first place. i like no nonsense -- direct. then: "you wanna rape me old man? just say so, and prepare to die...." now: "you have a job that needs XYZ skills? well, i got them, proved them -- so give me a chance and stop being such a tease."

i'd network with any/all of you, because we all have something in common, which is unrelated to career (interestingly.) i don't think we are here to impress each other, whereas in the professional networking scene -- it is all about impressions -- a facade, a CV that is specifically written and designed to hide the human faults each of us here have already expressed.

_________________________
Jeff

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#349410 - 12/31/10 12:48 PM Re: Affect on career [Re: westchesterguy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
Jeff, I'd be interested in hearing more about your reaction to the word "recovery." It is not a label I've ever been fond of and I'm not sure why.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#349421 - 12/31/10 03:10 PM Re: Affect on career [Re: WriterKeith]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: WriterKeith
...reaction to the word "recovery."...


definition (or reaction?) -- i use the word to mean that one's life is no longer directly traumatized by the single event that sent life into a tailspin. smile personal and very simple example: rape caused grief, which in turn sent me into places no healthy man should ever go. therapy gave me the tools to overcome that grief and cease visiting dark places. (simplified and don't necessarily mean physical places.)

so, while i'm recovered from the rape long ago, life still presents multiple new traumatic events that can send one into a tailspin too.

i'm in a tailspin now with career, and i seek recovery again, but not because of childhood rape. i need to overcome this prolonged event of 2006-2011 and the broader cause. i have to accept that we live in a world ill prepared to accept men as we are/should/could be; one that is even less accepting of gay men; and one that is not keen on lending a helping hand to white, middle-aged men. i also have to recover from this so called gay lifestyle, whatever it means, because that too has led to great personal grief and i hold no hope for experiencing a relationship with a man. (different and non-career related.)

so, recovery continues for me, but from recent events.

_________________________
Jeff

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#349434 - 12/31/10 04:58 PM Re: Affect on career [Re: westchesterguy]
Awake at Last Offline


Registered: 12/12/10
Posts: 77
Loc: Chicago Land
Picking up on different parts of this thread, I don't think CSA leaves us all with a disability, but our instincts for distancing and protection may make us behave in ways that may hold us back. Before I was started the process of remembering and recovery (with my memories blocked) people remarked on specific things. My father in law told my wife that I didn't like older men, and in my career I often passed up opportunities to work with senior colleagues that other people jumped on. A lot of this was unconscious and it was not all negative, but it meant that I preferred to work on my own when other choices may have helped my career. So I think it is possible that some of us have strong habits in interacting with others (or not interacting)that can be perceived as odd or different. Like you don't want to be a part of the team, or kiss the right asses, or talk about how great you are enough. In some fields these traits can make you the loser, the quiet guy nobody needs to acknowledge. But many of us have also learned to keep a cool head (or at least appear that way), and to listen to others, and those things can help in some work situations. So I think it cuts both ways over the long run, but a lot depends on the field you are in.
Jim


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#349510 - 01/01/11 03:04 PM Re: Affect on career [Re: westchesterguy]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 588
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
yikes guys,

i have career issues too... i am moving towards management and i am constantly questioning the mgmt team at the company i work for. i don't trust them. i keep my personal life secret and guarded. i try to control a lot of situations, rather than building trust. i always feel as though i am about to be betrayed.

i work in software engineering and have made several attempts to shift to working with at-risk youth. i worked at two wilderness camps for youth with addictions, and lost my job both times. i tried to sign up for big brothers as a mentor... that's when the memories and feelings started surfacing.

it's been pretty terrifying, but i know that my desire to change careers is linked to the little boy in me who wants to heal. i'm not addicted to any substance, but computers (and the whole IT world) are the one safe place i go to. i'm in control. going on the computer was the one safe place i went to as a kid. i left my body and started writing programs and playing computer games hardcore when i was 7. i think that's when the abuse was getting bad.

as i write this i am still struggling with strong denial, 2 months into my CSA healing... some days i just cant believe that my parents would do such things to me, and my memories are like strange nightmares from another world. not integrated.

eek, i'm definitely glad this thread started guys.

thanks so much for your continued presence in my life


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#349515 - 01/01/11 04:05 PM Re: Affect on career [Re: risingagain]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
I know it's been said many times, and I've said it many times myself, but, "All this time I thought it was just me."

I'm glad you posted your comment.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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#349526 - 01/01/11 06:16 PM Re: Affect on career [Re: risingagain]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: risingagain
...i am constantly questioning the mgmt team at the company i work for. i don't trust them. i keep my personal life secret and guarded. i try to control a lot of situations, rather than building trust. i always feel as though i am about to be betrayed....


you, being a software guy, can understand this then. i think part of my 'selection for ibm resource action' was due specifically to taking the customers' side and challenging management. but, i had the fearless power to question them -- only because of my recovery process and my personal commitment to speak out for what is right (although nicely, and professionally, just relentlessly.)

so, i wonder if your feelings come about because you could in fact be betrayed by those around you. it is your intuition speaking, no?

i also realize there can be an issue of unfounded fear while we are vulnerable due to recovery process. but, if the fear is valid this is where i think we can be unfairly victimized again.

look: what do employers want? silent, warm bodies?... exactly what pedophiles want too? or do employers want innovative, challenging, risk taking, professionals who can create and drive business and/or reduce operating costs through consolidating operations, which is what i did?

somehow, in my view, such drive an guts may be reserved for the top in the first place. and if you are on the lower level of the ladder and still exhibit leadership and innovation, you could be seen as a threat to those trying to keep ahead.

how do we overcome the threats? how to we stick together and help or support each other? can we? are there enough of us out there?

_________________________
Jeff

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#349531 - 01/01/11 07:20 PM Re: Affect on career [Re: westchesterguy]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 836
Loc: southern California
Good point, Jeff. And no one will know unless we speak up and speak out.

_________________________
Keith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JfvAPZGjds

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