Has anyone else suffered in your career because of your residual symptoms of abuse? Having questioned my inability to rise above a glass ceiling in my career, I recently discovered that no one I've worked with really ever knew me. It's hard to network when you're guarded and don't share personal information. I've always been highly respected and well liked, even loved, at work, but my arm's length approach to networking has really cost me. I'm interested in finding out if I am alone on this one, or if others have encountered and/or overcome this hurdle.

WriterKeith,

I know that I have allowed myself to let opportunities slip by. I have been afraid to take certain chances that could have take me farther in my career.

You mentioned networking and that is something I find very difficult to do. I treat everyone very well and how you described yourself could fit how I am viewed as well. But I do not take those extra little steps that could help me to move to other areas or make and keep the connections I need to become more mobile in my work. I know that a lot of it has to do with the fact it takes all I have to get through most days. I just do not have the strength to give anymore time or energy. I don't like letting them into my life outside work.

In all honesty I am surprised that I still have a career or that I have advanced this far. I have a tendency to sabotage myself and push myself back down.

I have better times with it but have not overcome it.

Wow, and all this time I thought it was just me.

I asked a close friend recently if he could offer any insight into why I have always been my employers' right hand while being consistently passed over for promotions and public recognition of my achievements. He said that he has observed how I practice strong work ethics and team building skills, even keeping people laughing through tough times, but at the end of the day no one has any clue who I am: which is the key to networking.

A light went on in my brain, that I've heard all my life that I am very likable but hard to get to know. I've got to figure out a way to overcome this one because it killed my career and now threatens impending financial disaster. I've never heard this particular symptom discussed in childhood abuse forums, and I'm wondering if there are others in this part of the forest.

You did a good thing by asking for an outside perspective. Keeping others at a distance does create a certain air about us. I am still dumbfounded by others who say I am "mysterious". I just keep things close to the vest.

I am sure others can readily add to this conversation. I do not think it is that rare among survivors of any abuse.

I can definitely relate to this! I have kept myself at a level in multiple careers that are well below my capability. I feel like I am not worthy to aspire to greater levels of achievement. I have the ability, I just see myself as damaged and continue to hide. I am always looked upon as a reliable person, great team player and a super colleague. What else would someone expect from a "good boy" who always does things for others before doing them for himself? Any ideas on how to help address this would be greatly appreciated.

Allan

I had always held back who I really was-from friends, from family and from my wife, M. Finally after about 10 years of marriage M confronted me and I told hr about my abusive sexual fantasies, abusive of myself and her. Neither she nor I had any clue where this had come from. I thought that I was a perverted person, that somehow it was my fault. She had a moment of empathy (I was surprised. I didn't think I deserved any), a day of fear of being harmed and then years upon years of anger. I finally began to open up at amy SLAA and Alanon meetings. No one walked out or called bad names so I continued on. About 21 years ago a therapist told me that my fantasies were a classic symptom of CSA. I wasn't too convinced because I had no, zero, zip memories of CSA. ABout a year I finally got to work. I read Lew's book and he convinced me that no memories didn't mean that nothing had occurred. About a month ago I got a call from a climbing friend. We reminisced about a trip we took to TN. He remembered everything about the climbing but had totally forgotten about the accident we wrre involved in on the way heme. Memories can be hidden away from our consciousness.

I can be very open with safe peoople but I myself would be very leery over disclosing this kind of stuff at work. Not everyone believes in forgotten memories and CSA. Despite all the publicity this atea has received lately (like Oprah) I'm sure there are many unbelievers around. Anyway a great topic. Oldguy

"Wow, and all this time I thought it was just me."

WriterKeith,
Wow!!! I thought it was just me also. I work hard, do a great job but am afraid to attend to the social parts. I have always been afraid someone will see the scared 11 year old who is afraid of being hurt, I never believed anyone would want to spend time with me or like me. I needed to control every situation both at work and at home lest I get hurt again. I have just started my healing journey recently. I may lose my marriage because of the CSA done to me. Do I leave to heal? Can I heal? How do I heal? How long does it take? Why does it hurt so bad? So mixed up. You are not alone WriterKeith. Stay in touch. I wish you the very best in your journey.

Matt

With this many responses in a few short hours, there must be common. This topic would make for a good book if authored by a specialist.

A landed my dream job 10 years ago, and I do mean DREAM job with THE top company in my field. In my second year my boss tried to force me to assist him in framing his competing director into getting fired. I refused and my boss laid me off, using phrases very similar to my father's very words during my childhood molestation. The words hit me hard and shut me down for quite some time. Certain phrases hit my brain and replay as if I'm being raped repeatedly all over again.

It did me. I am socially dysfunctional and it seems I didn't even know I was doing all the wrong things and no one bothered to tell me. OH well and so it goes....
I guess I'll learn or I won't.

maybe we see the office games men play too clearly in post recovery. the view for me is a huge problem, because i keep waiting for men to get over themselves....

maybe we just work in a capitalistic culture that is in much greater need of therapy than we were.

i heard the "get to know you" idea was key to networking and i have a problem with that to a certain point. i've already written about this here, but if someone at work got to know me, i'd lose my job simply because i'm gay.

however, at my former corporate job, at ibm, they urged me to be openly gay in order to advance my career. i refused. i did not connect being gay with any marketable skill that earns me a salary or a title. maybe that was a mistake... all the gays i knew there avoided layoff and have advanced tremendously in the past decade.

of course our approach depends upon what we do for a living, but in my line of work, i tie success to skills; not age, race, gender, orientation, or religion -- all of which i strongly think matter more than they ever did before. is that my problem, or society's?

and, so far the only place of solace for me --as we end 2010-- in my life and in my job search.... is coming here to this board, because i do think you all, anonymous men, understand the frustrations we face in life before, during, and after recovery.

i excel at what i do. i give every waking moment and all of my energy to the employer M-F. but after hours and on weekends i want to be left alone. personal time, and why i desire privacy, is no one's business. in europe: my professional wishes would be respected -- but here in the u.s. they are considered to be anti-social.

so, maybe somewhere in this mess the rape of 32 years ago affected my work/life balance in 2010. or, maybe, isn't it just possible that we aren't crazy for balancing our lives the way we do? it is the neurotic culture we live in that expects 24x7 attention; multitasking times 10; laughing all the way while we do it; and all of this for less pay each year than the year before. hmmm?