Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cyclebreaker (41), monkeybusinessinky (28), Tom Byrnes (55), wind west (30)
Who's Online
3 registered (3 invisible), 17 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63219 Topics
442067 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >
Topic Options
#34921 - 04/03/05 01:27 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
glaukos,

you did a very courageous thing by telling your dad, he loves you, and he will be strong for you.

He now understands how you were in the past, and he is strong for you.

He loves and cares for you, and together you can make the best father/son relationship in the world.

Your path to healing has started, you have confronted the worst fear of telling your dad, but he will always be there for you, and he now understands the way his little boy must have been so frightened and scared,

I wish you well on your journey,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34922 - 04/03/05 01:58 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Jake_t2398 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 131
You did really good, we all so proud of u being brave n ur Dad is bein cool. U kno that cuz we been talkin alot. Ur gonna be ok . n it will all get bettr, keep stayin strong, Jake


Top
#34923 - 04/03/05 08:29 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Glaukos - that's a really big step & must be a tremendous weight off your mind.

I wish you well ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

Top
#34924 - 04/04/05 04:30 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Gloukos,

Young friend, you may not remember me, but I met you in the chat room for few afternoons several weeks ago. I have often wondered if you ever told your Dad about your abuse. I have remembered you many nights in my prayers. I'm glad you let your Dad know. You will get all the help you need now. You're a great kid with a great Dad. God bless you, buddy!


Top
#34926 - 04/05/05 10:12 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev, you are the coolest kid on the planet, and you have the coolest dad.

I cried when I read what you did, I felt the cold and the dark, and I maybe remember how much the dark frightened me to hell.

Giving that letter to your dad, must have been agony, but hey, you did it, and your dad saw so much more in his son than he ever knew, he saw the hurt you have had to keep in silence, and he was so brilliant.

You have a great dad, and friend, nothing should keep a boy and his dad or family so apart from the natural love, he now knows your pain, and how much hurt you have been through.

I hurt just as we all do at seeing you go through this so raw, but it is great that you can take this giant step, and your dad now accepts your past.

It hurts me to the core, that you should have to keep this a secret, and live such a terrible life of silence and hurt. It hurts me more to think that I and others have to keep the ultimate shameful secret.

You have shown great courage, and hey, it worked,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34928 - 04/05/05 11:14 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
I so glad 4 u Kevin. I sound like u havin fun n doin somethin u like. Keep it up. i no u do a great job. -donnie


Top
#34929 - 04/06/05 12:14 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Jake_t2398 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 131
thats cool kev i sure u take good care of her \:\)


Top
#34930 - 04/06/05 09:39 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev, I am glad you are having a well earned rest, and enjoying what you do.

It is so nice to see this calf brought into a new world, and you are looking after her, your dad obviously thinks you are up to the job.

You learn her cries, and respond to them, just like the mother would, it shows how much you really care.

I hope the sun shines where you are, and you have a good time, ;\)

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34932 - 04/06/05 09:52 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hi, Kev, I pm'd you and have cleared my box out so it should work now.

You will have a lot of confusion, but you have gotten over a major hurdle, in your life, I know it is not easy, but you will get there,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34934 - 04/08/05 09:05 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
Kevin, I'm so glad u have a calf 2. i no what u mean by u sayin u confused alot. i that way 2. i hate being a lone but then i no like bein with people. when i alone i think someone mite come in n noone can help me N when i with people i fraid they no me N 'll say somethin or they mite touch me or take me way N noone care. My dad when i was growwin up from 2 to 9 alway's got drunk n beat me N other stuff. anyway, everyone say when i grow up i'd hit my kids N wife 2 N i never wanted any cuz i scared of it. N even today i so scared that that can happen. I real scared. i shakkin thinkin bout itt. but. K. sorry, anyway I been with wife N kids 6 years in July N i never once hit any of them. People say since i haven't yet, i won't. but i still no believe them. i fraidd n i maake reasons N stuff N now i scared bout others doin it. But i haven't. N i no i prob way over protective N i try not 2 be but i am. i wish i new how make iit go way but i dont. all tthat helps me is takin things as they ccome. no worry bout iit till it happens. if i worry bout it it jus makes whhole day bad. that what happen 2 mme on wed. n i had 2 take meds that make me tired n i on bed rest stuff, but i k. i ffigured out that if i stress on stuff then i think more n more n then i think worsse stuff n i go crazy. i no sayin u do that, i jus sayin that i do n it no good. u a real great, i wanna say kid but u no kid.. person, no. firend. there we go. i can no spell n i 2 lazy 2 backspace n if i backspace i end up erasin everythin. bad habbit. i think that when i write stuff it hurts people no help them, but i learnin jus 2 rite n post n leave. anyway, i blabbin. sorry. i no what u mean by wanning it all go away n i so sorry but i no u can get thu it. donnie


Top
#34935 - 04/08/05 09:16 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Donnie, hey you would never hit your kids, I would never hit a kid, and I dont really have any feeling of shouting at them unless they r real bad.

I am overprotective, just like you, and I dont want 2 be, but it is part of it, sometimes I spend so much time typing something and just delete it, just like you, maybe it is the meds, maybe the text dont really make any sense to me, so I dont post it.

And to Kev, hey, you will be as great a man as your dad, and he is the best, I just hope you are all OK, and I really mean it,

Peace and goodwill,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34938 - 04/09/05 12:27 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
Hey Kevin, Thank's. You did not upset me at all. None. The main reason i said that is 2 let u no that u no alone in thinkin that. i no deep deep deep down inside that i'd never hurt them but i can't bring it up 2 the surface yet. N i gree with u that it ur journal n u should rite anythin that u want. i no want u 2 stop. u doin real good. everythin u say so far i still goin thu. i guess that what i mean by sayin that age no mattr. N 2 i keep thinkin this a regular entry n not ur journal. i sorry 4 that. i glad u can post it. i finally started another journal gain n can't post it yettt, but maybe i get as far as u. u say that people think u stronger than u are n i no agree. u tellin what u feel n that take a lot. sometimes when i tell somethin things get worse but i do have 2 admit that it stopped more bad things from happinen. i no i can b a wreck sometimes but it has nothin 2 do from anyone here. the only thing u n jake n the people here do is listen n help me so much.i so proud of u n i think u a hero. -Donnie


Top
#34939 - 04/09/05 12:30 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR



Top
#34940 - 04/09/05 12:31 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR



Top
#34941 - 04/09/05 10:37 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev, the road thru this is bumpy, it is rocky, there are many hills and streams to cross, barriers to break.

You lose one burden than see another, each one that you come to becomes part of the past, the more you deal with the lighter the load.

The more you can talk and get things out, after four years of bottling all of this up, sure takes it out on you, physically and mentally, but it is good that you share.

It is good that you can still enjoy the beauty of life, and the love of your family, you are needed, and you have friends who care,

look after you, ;\)

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34942 - 04/09/05 11:13 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Jake_t2398 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 131
Quote:
Originally posted by glaukos:
Journal 4 – Grabbing at Life
(dedicated to Jake & Donnie)

When I'm back screaming in my corner as if nothing changed I think the real Kevin died pinned down & sobbing in the dark a long time ago, & this is just the wreckage of what he could have been. But that's a cop-out. That's the dark saying yr not done with me yet. If there was no real Kevin left why do I love poetry & music & going fishing just to be in a beautiful place and listen to the water bubbling over the rocks? Why do I love my family? Why do I worry about a baby animal?

The truth is that once you make the first true grab to get back yr life yr not liberated, you discover how much you need help.
Rembr the good things u lern tonite in chat. Wat carin for the calf means ;\) Theres very real Kevin, he loves playin blues guitar, ritin poetry, being a good football player, he has a carin heart n took good care of calf that needed his help. Abuse hurt us but it not take away everthin, u love beauty, ur family , n carin for calf cuz ur a good person that cares. Abuse was never ur fault. Dont let the abuser win Kevin, keep figtin bak n be strong.think of the good things , it help push out the bad. beleve in urself, ur a good person. i beleve in u kevin , ur gonna be ok, n ya ;\) it take time ;\) , u kno i hate those words \:\) but it tru, give urself a break lil bro, from ur big bro jake


Top
#34943 - 04/09/05 02:16 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
That for me was one of the most moving things i have read. I confronted one of my abusers last wekk but I have to say that you writing and handing that letter to your father took a great deal of courage and trust more so than my confrontation.

You have taken the hardest step, now its time to start healing ... ... and you will.

Take it slow, there is no race in recovery.

My best wishes to you

Kirk


Top
#34946 - 04/12/05 11:00 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Hiya kev,

yep just the ordinary kid, thats just who you are, hey, I am jealous, your dad, is so cool, your best mate and someone who you can be just be with.

You should be writing books, because you certainly have some way with writing in your journal, hey, the fire, and the way it so much brings so much into your life, and things you always remember, about your dad holding you close.

I hope you make something of your relationship with rebecca, you deserve it kev, hey, your journal is really an eye opener for me,

stay strong kev,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34947 - 04/13/05 08:36 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Jake_t2398 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 131
that sound like a cool time with ur dad, ya kev, lot times u jus wantd to be jus kevin n u dad show u that u r , glad u had that time at that plaec, ur bro jake


Top
#34949 - 04/15/05 01:39 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Jake_t2398 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 131
\:\( \:\( (((kevin))) sorry u had 2 kno that hurt, jake \:\(


Top
#34950 - 04/15/05 07:59 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
((((kev)))) just hang in there, you will be OK, ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34951 - 04/15/05 07:14 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
(((kevin))) \:\( i sorry u had 2 go thu that but i glad u lettin it out. u doin good kevin. Keep rite'in.


Top
#34953 - 04/18/05 07:58 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Jake_t2398 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 131
hey Kev , glad u had a good weekend. My T told me wen i first startd to keep like a list tht i jus keep add to of good things thta go on in my life, even if they small. or jus things that r good or fun. then T say wen thm bad days hit read the things on the good list n it help push the bad stuff out ur head. this weeknd sound like it somethin u can put on a good list, maybe it will help u on a ruff day, ur bro jake


Top
#34954 - 04/18/05 10:53 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev, yeah, keep on the good stuff njoy life, it is yours to live, it is good n it is fun.
Cow tipping is dangerous tho, best they dont see ya do it, cos they get U back bigstyle. \:D

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34955 - 04/18/05 03:51 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Malidin41 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 140
Loc: Utah
Hay Kev,

I know you do not know me but I just got done reading your journal posts and just wanted to say I am amazed at your strength and courage in taking the journey to becoming a survivor. I am going to send you a pm to give you more feedback on all that you wrote but for hear I just want to say that you are an incredable person and by doing this at least for me you give me strength and encouragement to be strong. Thank you my friend for that needed boost of strength.

malidin

_________________________
Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!

Top
#34957 - 04/28/05 12:21 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev, your brothers love you, both at home and in here, your dad loves you and he cares.
None of this was ever your fault, but you blame it on yourself, just as we all do.
Yeah, its hard to get thru, it is even harder for a boy to say he has been raped, in front of cops, who just dont know what it means.
It is extremely humiliating to the boy, especially when people in authority deny it.
You write your journal the way it should be written, because it is the way it happened.
I think that the cops and people need to address the way they treat boys, but they dont know so much of the issues surrounding boyhood rape.
When the boy is seen as willing and stuff like that, it really freaks me out, get real cops, and the World, boys dont ask for it.
You didnt kev, so take the blame off yourself, and put it where it belongs.
I know that nothing or nobody seems to make sense of it, but I think the guys in here have some understanding.

you are never alone,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34958 - 04/28/05 02:44 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Malidin41 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 140
Loc: Utah
Hello my friend,

As I read your 8th journal entry i can't help but wonder what exactly you feel like is your fault. I want to respond appropriatly to what you are feeling but I feel I can't without more details as to what is going on. I just want to know wheather you went and stole a piece of candy or wheather you are thinking that what happened to you was your fault. If you stole the candy (lol) then yes that would have been your fault but if you are talking about the abuse you endured then no, not in anyway at all was that your fault. You have no blame when it comes to the abuse that your perpetrator inflicted upon you.

malidin

_________________________
Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!

Top
#34961 - 05/02/05 12:35 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
healing_inside Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/28/05
Posts: 2005
Big Kev,

Take it real slow with your T OK. When I saw mine last week and started to talk about you know who, she cautioned me to take it real real slow for my own sanity.

Just remember when we talk to our T we are in control of the conversation and if we don't like a ? they are asking, we have the right to say no or not yet. To me personally this the only control I have in my cahotic world and I intend to keep it.

(Big Jim)

_________________________
I can't come to the phone right now, I am out living my life

*** WoR Retreat Alumni - Alta 2005 ***

Top
#34962 - 05/03/05 08:40 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Kevin,

Your journal is an amazing piece of work and if I were your Dad I would be bursting with pride. You have been through a lot and I know that must hurt. You have every right to feel betrayed and angry and expressing your fears about therapy is a good idea. It must be very frightening to even consider going to see someone and you need to be able to say so. I look forward to seeing your journal page on the points in favor of going for help. Just remember that it is entirely normal to be fearful about these things. That applies to adults as well as teenagers, and for teenagers it must be especially rough. You have found the courage and the support you need to face all this while you are still very young - for many of us it takes decades. I know you know it won't be easy, but you will get there. I wish you all the best along your way.

Take care,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#34964 - 05/08/05 01:13 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Charlie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 148
Kev, your journal isn't stupid. Thanks for writing that. This is what we have to deal with every day and people should know. If it happens to one out of six by the age of 16 like the Ten Facts say then someone should write a book for us young guys. There's books about abuse for girls and there's books for girls and guys (but they use "she" and "her") and I found one where the author talks about guys and lets us talk some but I can't find any books written for young guys only. Why? Maybe they think young guys don't read, we're all illiterate jocks or stupid little kids who're too messed up to even care. Wrong! I know I'm not the only kid who's searching books for answers. How can they expect us to talk when we're being ignored and made to feel invisible? Maybe we should leave quietly and come back when we're 45 and angry at the world? Maybe it's wrong to say I remember everything that happened 'cause most older guys on here say they don't. Maybe it's scary for grownups when young people speak of abuse 'cause it makes the grownup feel guilty or helpless. Maybe it's wrong to say I want to get better, I want change and I need safe grownups (a male role model) to help guide me. Maybe it's wrong to talk about feelings, I should be a guy's guy and keep everything hidden inside! Maybe it's wrong to think I matter and my voice is important. It's a grownup world and I f-cking hate it.


Top
#34965 - 05/08/05 02:05 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Charlie, yeah, its a grown ups world, but it was when I was a kid, going thru similar feelings.
I think I thought exactly the same things as you do today.
I often thought that there should be books to guide a young guy thru it, and it deeply saddens me that there is not much available to you both.
It is real tough to have to keep the silence, and it's tougher still to think that nobody cares.
Abuse does make adults feel helpless and guilty, but they have no way of knowing how to deal with it, so they need their own guidance.
People in this place care, that is what this place is for. Dealing with it now, will mean that you dont need to find this place in the future.
Hope you both be ok, have a look at this link I found, dunno if it is any use,

http://www.youthresource.com/our_lives/dating_violence/glbtq_relationships/male_male.htm

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34966 - 05/08/05 04:55 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Kev, Charlie - other brothers in our community - I hear your disappointment, confusion and discouragement in finding a resource that speaks to your age group. Most are targeted to older guys and I'll tell you why. In about 1990, most people in the helpibng professions didn't really believe that "sexual abuse" happened to boys and, if it did, it wouldn't really have a bad affect. About that time the only books about males were Mike Lew's and Mic Hunter's as I recall. It was while the women's movement was collecting statistics for female sex abuse that they noticed males responding to the questions. It has only been recently...probably after guys aged 15 and younger that male stats are recorded. The whole field of male sexual abuse victims is really very young, new and open for exploration. Even today, many "enlightened"(?) professionals question if the stats are "really inflated" - AND THEY ARE NOT!! Books for younger males are coming along! 80% of the guys I provide counseling for are male victims of sexual abuse. There is a long waiting list for those who need treatment. There are pamphlets available from Safer Society aimed at young boy victims but they may be a little infantile for you. Perhaps as I was helping my generation address (my)the male victim's needs, YOU GUYS are in a position to help guys in your age bracket to find the help they need. You can work with guys here at the site (Nathan is keenly interested in this area and many Board members as well as professionals). The needs you have are needs other guys will need as well. I've had to recover from sexual abuse and needed to go get what I needed. There was very little out there so I had to "make it happen". What can you do to get your needs met? The possibilities are endless!! Hope this isn't too long but I've had these things deep inside for a long time.

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#34968 - 05/08/05 10:31 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
Kev - You, Charlie and every guy on here have every right to share how you feel! No apologies!! One of the great opportunities on this site is to be open and honest...and I really, really appreciate that. This site has been growing from a little seedling planted by the Seekers struggling from pain and as we all join those seekers and share information we feel and experience, that seedling gets stronger and the roots sink deeper. You have a part in seeking along with all in our community!! I hope you never stop sharing and opening up because then, we stop seeking and the secrets take over. "Let the sunshine in and the shadows and fears will go away!" AS FOR THE BOOK? I searched it out. Don't have a copy but ordered one!! Unfortunately it was the last in stock. Most everywhere I looked, it was out of stock. I'll let you know about it when my copy arrives. It sounds like an exciting book; however, I've got excited and disappointed before!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

Top
#34969 - 05/08/05 10:59 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kev
I have followed this long topic, it's been a good one that we can all learn from.

But your comments about the books being aimed at adults stunned me.
These two books by Mike Lew and Mic Hunter are regarded as being about the best of their kind, I've nothing but respect for them both - but then I'm 51 and started my recovery in 1999. So they're aimed squarely at me.

As I think about what I've got out of these books, and it's a great deal, I can see your point; young men are 'included' but not given specific information.
I do believe however that there is still much that young men can gain from these books, but I agree totaly that something aimed at 'you' would be very welcome.

And if anyone does know of something, then please shout up.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#34970 - 05/08/05 11:03 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#34971 - 05/09/05 02:45 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
To Kev and Charlie,

I totally understand your frustration at the literature on this field, but I have to say at first I was surprised, as someone else has said. Victims No Longer was an extremely important book for me to discover, so I went back to it to see what could be wrong with it.

And of course you are right! I thought it was wonderful because it addressed me and helped me personally. But I can see that while Mike Lew's book would have a lot of information for you, as you say, it isn't addressed to you. I tried to put myself in your place, and suddenly the book looked entirely different. Childhood here is always the past, and the survivor's world is that of adult experience. So you have made an important contribution by pointing this out.

That said, please bear in mind that, as Howard has explained, this field is a very new one. Not all areas are as well covered as they should be, or as they will be within a few years from now. The books you mention were written to address the situation of adult men coming forward with stories of child abuse and needing help. As you know, it is a very troubling thing even to consider telling your story, and at that time the people who were stepping forward were almost all grown men talking about things that happened to them long ago. So these books were written to address that situation. Now, of course, it is different, and teenagers such as yourselves are also finding their voice. So I am sure we will soon begin to see literature that is closer to what you need.

We also need to think about what audience the book is written for. For example, Kevin, you live on a farm while I am very much a city guy (though my background is rural). Suppose we both see a book about farm life that is written for people planning on moving out of the city and starting a farm. I would look at that book and think this is very interesting, while you might think it is quite elementary and even ridiculous. That would be because we represent different audiences. Many of the books you might pick up are not written even for adult survivors; they are written for the professional therapists and counsellors who help survivors. These books are part of the way in which professionals discuss their ideas and research and thus improve the services they can offer.

That said, claim your voice and speak up. Don't be afraid to state your mind and never feel that you have to apologize for your feelings. But the changes you need will come all the more quickly if you make it clear what you want. Charlie, you say it is a grownup world and you f-cking hate it. Excellent. Now what exactly needs to change? What are your ideas? There are no absolutely right or wrong answers here, and certainly there are no stupid ones. Let the world know what you think.

Finally, Kev and Charlie, remember what has been said here already a few times. You actually do contribute here, and in a very important way. The voices of young survivors are not just wanted, they are needed, and by many people personally for all sorts of reasons. To name only one that I find very helpful, what you both say in your various posts shows a lot of courage and insight, and it gives me hope and allows me to believe that things are actually becoming a lot better than they were when I was a boy. That I find not only refreshing, but also empowering.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#34973 - 05/11/05 12:25 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
DannyT Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 402
Hi Kev,

You're asking a lot when you ask somebody to just listen and not listen how he wants .

How do you cut yourself away from what you think you hear?

I felt really bad after my post last night to Charlie in another thread, because after reading it I felt like I was explaining things too hard. I was responding to questions he asked, so I sure as hell was listening. But I had answers (my experience) to share, and I suddenly felt the difference. When I was a kid I had no answers. Now I know so many words worth of knowing and can write forever. Long dead blah blah blah knowledge and experience.

If I just listened like I would have as a kid, all I could do is say, "Yeah, I know what you mean." Now when I talk it can be deeper than that, but I don't talk the same way.

If I pretended I didn't know stuff, I'd be lying. And I've been in college for forever, so I'm used to talking in big words and phrases that go on forever. And I'm so used to explaining things I probably talk lectures aloud in my sleep. But no matter what I might sound like in my responses, I'm always honest, and I think just about everybody here is, too. So there's trying to hear and trying to understand everywhere, there's just not always a lot of easy success .

That's the problem with not being telepathic, I guess.

Danny


Top
#34974 - 05/11/05 06:35 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev and Charlie, I agree that we all should listen to what you say, and many more guys here are doing just that.
There is not a lot written specifically for boys who are going through this, because boys don't have a support network like MS. It is a place where you are anonymous, so you can post pretty much what you really think.
The reason that there is not much for boys to read, is that it has not been studied in much depth, because boys just live in silence.
Nobody has a right to tell you what to do, not in here, the mods will tell you that, but we will listen.
I worked as an advisor for 3yrs in the community.
An advisor does not give advice, but rather explores the issue and works around the problem.
It was one hell of a job, but it had its rewards.
Maybe that is how it is in here, or it should be,

hope you are OK,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34975 - 05/11/05 10:31 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
Maybe all of us are the same. Maybe we all want someone to crawl into our skin and feel how bad it feels to be me. I don't feel bad all the time, but when I do, I come here. And here there are my brothers who've been through similar stuff. They don't need in my skin. They already feel it. I don't know how old most of the guys here are, and I don't really want to know. So this man I've been pouring out my feelings to and he to me--I find out he's in his 50's. Suddenly I think perp. But he hasn't changed. Has he? I don't want to know ages.

Kev came in here and said, I'm a kid. So now we think, what, that we can help him because we're so old and wise. I feel it. I'm trying to help or protect me, the me I was when I had no one to help or protect me as a kid, no one to talk to. Maybe if we didn't know how old Kev was we'd act differently.

We're all here for you Kev. It's been tough for us, and sometimes I feel like I'm all alone, but this is where real men who've been SA feel. And they speak about the unspeakable. I'm not finding that anywhere else.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

Top
#34976 - 05/12/05 12:33 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Kev
you have no need to apologise at all, and I hope this discussion continues - because it obviously needs to.

My point about young men being included in Mike Lew's book was about the wealth of practical information that isn't age related, the stuff about the psychological process that any survivor of any age will feel. And we do have a lot in common, a lot of what you've written previously in this topic I can relate to and I didn't disclose until I was 46yo.

But there are things that are lost to my memory about how I felt and acted when I was a teenager / young man, and times have changed so much since then as well.
I think that most young people are so much more aware of their influences now, compared to the late 60's. TV and the media talk about things that weren't even whispered amongst friends back then. We might have had the swinging 60's and the sexual revolution, but the access to knowledge was nothing like it is today.

Given that, I can see why you're pissed off with only having access to information written by my generation and generally aimed at us as well.
You do have different needs and expectations, that's a fact.

"We" are also quick to say that "You're lucky to be dealing with it now, and not leaving it until middle age". Which also pisses young people off, but from our perspective we genuinly feel that way because we reflect on all of our years of pain that might have been avoided. It says more about us than the young man we say it to, that's for sure, and it doesn't acknowledge the different situation and feelings of someone dealing with their abuse when it's still so fresh in their memory, and that's a lack of understanding on our part.
I hope it's not arrogance on our part. It's natural for people to pass on experience, and for people to seek guidance from other peoples experiences. But that should be a two-way thing without any boundaries such as age, sex, beliefs or anything else. I've always said that if a space alien offered me help with my recovery then I'd take it gladly.

To exchange any information or wisdom, asking or giving, entails listening on both sides, and at the risk of sounding like some patronizing old git, the statement you make - "I want you to listen to me and not tell me its something else. That is what I hate about arguing with grownups -- you dont listen. You always know better. You wont hear me no matter how bad I tell you it hurts." - is something heard in homes across the world, from all young people. I said it so many times to my parents that I can distinctly remember it. I usually shouted it as I stormed out the door.
Do 'we' listen? we do our best I suppose, but like my parents didn't fully understand the times and the way we thought in the 60's, 'we' probably don't understand what its like to be young right now.
Anyway, this discussion has certainly made me think about how I listen to young people.


Quote:
Thats grownups. I talked about really specific reasons why these books dont speak to me. Never mind. None of my reasons count. None of my examples get discussed. Its enough for a grownup to say "I do believe..." and everything I said gets blown away. That sux.
ALL of your reasons count, they are very important to you and your generation, probably less important to my generation for obvious reasons - we're already well catered for for a start.
I think you'd agree that not everything in the books you mention is useless to you, there must be some bits that speak to you as an individual regardless of age?
But the rest of the book(s) don't speak to you, which is not good news for you. But if 'we' re-write those books with young people in mind then it'll almost certainly become the patronizing garbage that's written in the "hanging with the dudes" style. Utter bullshit.

So who's going to write the books that help young people recover? I love writing, I have enough stuff to fill a book and more, but I wouldn't be so naive to think anything I wrote would appeal to young readers. The books have to come from the young people who are healing right now.
And what reason is there for someone to not go and write such a book? None, I see posts written here by young men that beg to be read by a wider audience.

Quote:
"but I agree totaly that something aimed at 'you' would be very welcome."

Dave that hurts so bad. Like I dont disrespect you yeah? Really dog. But you agree about what I need? I didnt ask you.
Yes, I do agree with what you need, absolutely. But even though I agree, I might not be able to deliver.
I'm saying that the books and information currently available are great books for me and my generation, so naturally I believed that most survivors would also find them useful, allowing for personal taste of course. But the thought that they were age specific didn't occur to me, until you pointed out that they don't reach you and your generation.
I quickly looked at the ones I've got, and have read often, and had to agree with you that they did seem aimed at 'us', although I have very little comprehension of what might be missing as far as younger readers are concerned.
I can see 'what's there' - but don't know 'what's missing'.

Sometimes we need a kicking to wake us up from our comfort zones, and this topic is doing just that, thank you.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#34977 - 05/12/05 04:44 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Kev,

I am currently trying to read through both books you mentioned. Abused Boys is easier to read, so I'm almost through it. Being dyslexic, Victims No Longer is like trying to read the Bible cover to cover.

One thing I am having to do is adapt both of these books to my own personal situation. I can find help regarding the early childhood part of my SA, but it is frustrating to me that not much is written on SA when it occurs in the teenage years. I was raped when I was 16 yrs old. This event did a total number on me. I felt could tell no one about it. Not one person. I didn't either until 5 years ago. From the time I was 16 until I was 43 yrs old it was Rich's secret.

So much of a guy's (and a girl's) ego is developed in his teens. My ego was totally deflated by my SA. It still suffers. I do not consider myself as much of a man as others. I feel inferior to almost all men. I will sit back and watch men, and listen to them, trying to be more manly myself. Most of this is in my head, I'm sure. I have never been called unmanly, but I feel it everyday at least once. Absolutley inferior. While these books address these issues, it seems they are geared towards men who had been sexually abused only as children (boys), and not teens or those in late teens. I think there are definite mental issues that are different in teens. And what about grown men being molested?

Talking with you, Kev, and some of the other younger ones, I know I say the wrong things. I simply don't know what to say anymore, so I stay quiet. But I do read what you are writing. I at times try to go back to the time right before and right after I was molested at 16. I can remember the times up to the rape, but I have real trouble remembering much afterwards. All I remember is total confusion, a lot of drinking, and a total loss of self worth. I have never gotten that back. My formative teenage years were lost in that one weekend. As a result my years as a man have been pretty much lost, too. I have a wife, family, education, career, home, cars, boat, and pretty much any material things I want, except self esteem and confidence.

Guys here need to listen to you and the others. Listening to you (and keeping my opinions to myself) may help me realize what I can do to heal from the point in my teens when I was molested. Maybe I can remember what I needed and wanted. We think we can help the younger ones here, and I still believe that, but I also believe the younger ones here can teach and help the older ones like me, as well.

I'm listening, Kev, because so far I haven't found anything in a book.

Good luck on your recovery, Sport.


Top
#34978 - 05/12/05 09:19 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Sorry this breaks the thread, but Rich, I dont think kev is mad at you, its more like you were there, and that is good. Hope you get back in the chat soon.

Quote:
So much of a guy's (and a girl's) ego is developed in his teens. My ego was totally deflated by my SA. It still suffers. I do not consider myself as much of a man as others. I feel inferior to almost all men. I will sit back and watch men, and listen to them, trying to be more manly myself. Most of this is in my head, I'm sure. I have never been called unmanly, but I feel it everyday at least once. Absolutley inferior
Yeah this is right, the ego, or personality is indeed developed through the whole child life, but more significantly in teen years.
I got to thinkin I was less of a person, and built a strong inferiority complex because I found it hard to relate to what a boy should be.
I am not different from other men, but sure still feel inferior in their World.
I wear a mask of confidence, because I can still relate to when I was a happy kid, but it is still a mask. It is just that people see the kid in me, and it should not have to be that way.

You have a lot to offer these guys, maybe we all do, they have a lot to offer us as well.

I have this motto for life, and I think it is Russian in origin, not above you, not below you, but between you/ or with you.

cya soon, bud,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34979 - 05/12/05 10:18 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Ste,

Kev and I are cool. Totally. I haven't been in chat lately because I feel awkward there. I'll get over it and be back. Just in a funk.


Kev,

I don't mean to jump into your journal bud. there is probably a bettre place to post this, I just don't know where.

Take care, Kev. I'm thinking of you while you are in the hospital.


Top
#34981 - 05/26/05 12:42 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hi Kev,

There is so much I want to say about your last journal entry, but this is your journal not mine so I will (try to) be brief.

I have been thinking over and over again about what you said about adults always wanting to fix things. I can see what you mean and you are right. But let me say that in the adult world that really is how things are. A job, a family, a relationship: all those are, to a great extent, about identifying what needs to be done and then doing it. Or as you put it - fixing things. So it is easy to fall into a constant "fix" mode I guess. I have heard this is something that men especially do a lot, more so than women. My wife tells me that when she talks to me sometimes she just wants me to listen and let her know that it is okay to have those feelings - she is not waiting for me to "fix it". So its good you remind us. But here is the other side of the coin: isn't it also cool when you have a problem, talk about it here, and it does get fixed?

A last point. I know how you feel about some things being just too embarrassing to ask about. But asking no question means you get no answer. All of us were 16 once, and any question you have will certainly be one that many others here have wondered about at some time or another. The example you gave is a good one - it has to be one that almost any kid in your situation would think of. There is nothing wrong with that and its not a stupid question.

Great journal - I think you are really doing well,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#34982 - 05/26/05 02:50 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
I liked the entry, it sctuslly mskes a whole lot of since. My T say even tho i 28 i sometimes have 2 think what would woulk 4 a younger or older person 2 help me. Like in T, we discusessed buying Timmy a bear cuz he 4 or 6 years old not 28. Anyway main thing my T say that i wanna share is it no mateer how old u are or what anyone say it what u comfortable with at that time n what u want. Sometime it k 4 my wife 2 hug me n sometime not; but if i no tell her she no no. sorry. -Dude


Top
#34984 - 07/08/05 10:47 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev, all of these feelings can be explained.
It is like re-reading a lot of peoples story in what you say.

JT wont leave you, I know things are hard right now, and yes, you may feel like the odd one out.

You have to talk these feelings OUT, they are not always valid, but we all have had these feelings of somehow not being in control.

The important thing is to find time to totally relax, and process information.

Fears of the past cannot as much hurt you today, but they are still there.

Try to minimise those fears, but speak with a T, and just be honest with her. I know it is massively difficult, but it is not beyond you ;\)

Yes, you are facing difficulty with all these thoughts, but I can recognise many of them also.
Do not let your mind dwell on negatives, there are also a lot more positives in the world, so look for them,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#34985 - 12/28/05 06:22 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Just bringing back Kev's journal for the new guys to read.

He is really amazing at expressing himself, I pray that he is OK,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#167294 - 07/17/07 09:06 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: reality2k4]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I'm bringing this back up, cos Kev was like my bgi bro. I also wanted Theatrekid to read it cos he was nervous about talkign to his parents about it.

N


Top
#167299 - 07/17/07 09:24 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: Nyjah]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nyjah,

Wow, I remember so much of this from right after I came to MS. I think it always helps you guys to read what each other has to say from the perspective of similar age and issues. I also recall how close you and Kev were - I'm sure he still thinks of you as his little brother.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167312 - 07/17/07 10:32 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: roadrunner]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I sure hope so. I miss him tons. I hope he's okay. He'll always be my big bro.


Top
#167330 - 07/18/07 12:22 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: Nyjah]
theatrekid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/07
Posts: 702
Loc: oregon
Thanks Nyjah im reading this right now. this kid seems pretty cool isnt he still active? it would have been great to meet him.

,Chris


Top
#167333 - 07/18/07 12:43 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: theatrekid]
Lazarus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/01/07
Posts: 851
Loc: Below the radar, USA
Wow. What a wonderful kid! I felt like I was reading 'To Kill A Mockingbird' all over again. He has intuition way beyond his years and he gives me many things to think about as a Dad, a protector and a survivor.

I take it he doesn't visit here much anymore. That's a shame because I never got a chance to meet him and ask the questions that his journal raises in my mind. I hope he's not around much anymore because he's moved past needing us. We sure need people like him though. He'd make a great therapist!

Laz

_________________________
"That which does not kill us, surely makes us stonger." - Neitsche

Top
#356889 - 03/17/11 01:45 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: Nyjah]
aeon jiminy Offline


Registered: 03/07/11
Posts: 6
Good blog.


Top
Page 1 of 8 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.