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#34977 - 05/12/05 04:44 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Kev,

I am currently trying to read through both books you mentioned. Abused Boys is easier to read, so I'm almost through it. Being dyslexic, Victims No Longer is like trying to read the Bible cover to cover.

One thing I am having to do is adapt both of these books to my own personal situation. I can find help regarding the early childhood part of my SA, but it is frustrating to me that not much is written on SA when it occurs in the teenage years. I was raped when I was 16 yrs old. This event did a total number on me. I felt could tell no one about it. Not one person. I didn't either until 5 years ago. From the time I was 16 until I was 43 yrs old it was Rich's secret.

So much of a guy's (and a girl's) ego is developed in his teens. My ego was totally deflated by my SA. It still suffers. I do not consider myself as much of a man as others. I feel inferior to almost all men. I will sit back and watch men, and listen to them, trying to be more manly myself. Most of this is in my head, I'm sure. I have never been called unmanly, but I feel it everyday at least once. Absolutley inferior. While these books address these issues, it seems they are geared towards men who had been sexually abused only as children (boys), and not teens or those in late teens. I think there are definite mental issues that are different in teens. And what about grown men being molested?

Talking with you, Kev, and some of the other younger ones, I know I say the wrong things. I simply don't know what to say anymore, so I stay quiet. But I do read what you are writing. I at times try to go back to the time right before and right after I was molested at 16. I can remember the times up to the rape, but I have real trouble remembering much afterwards. All I remember is total confusion, a lot of drinking, and a total loss of self worth. I have never gotten that back. My formative teenage years were lost in that one weekend. As a result my years as a man have been pretty much lost, too. I have a wife, family, education, career, home, cars, boat, and pretty much any material things I want, except self esteem and confidence.

Guys here need to listen to you and the others. Listening to you (and keeping my opinions to myself) may help me realize what I can do to heal from the point in my teens when I was molested. Maybe I can remember what I needed and wanted. We think we can help the younger ones here, and I still believe that, but I also believe the younger ones here can teach and help the older ones like me, as well.

I'm listening, Kev, because so far I haven't found anything in a book.

Good luck on your recovery, Sport.


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#34978 - 05/12/05 09:19 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Sorry this breaks the thread, but Rich, I dont think kev is mad at you, its more like you were there, and that is good. Hope you get back in the chat soon.

Quote:
So much of a guy's (and a girl's) ego is developed in his teens. My ego was totally deflated by my SA. It still suffers. I do not consider myself as much of a man as others. I feel inferior to almost all men. I will sit back and watch men, and listen to them, trying to be more manly myself. Most of this is in my head, I'm sure. I have never been called unmanly, but I feel it everyday at least once. Absolutley inferior
Yeah this is right, the ego, or personality is indeed developed through the whole child life, but more significantly in teen years.
I got to thinkin I was less of a person, and built a strong inferiority complex because I found it hard to relate to what a boy should be.
I am not different from other men, but sure still feel inferior in their World.
I wear a mask of confidence, because I can still relate to when I was a happy kid, but it is still a mask. It is just that people see the kid in me, and it should not have to be that way.

You have a lot to offer these guys, maybe we all do, they have a lot to offer us as well.

I have this motto for life, and I think it is Russian in origin, not above you, not below you, but between you/ or with you.

cya soon, bud,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#34979 - 05/12/05 10:18 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Ste,

Kev and I are cool. Totally. I haven't been in chat lately because I feel awkward there. I'll get over it and be back. Just in a funk.


Kev,

I don't mean to jump into your journal bud. there is probably a bettre place to post this, I just don't know where.

Take care, Kev. I'm thinking of you while you are in the hospital.


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#34981 - 05/26/05 12:42 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hi Kev,

There is so much I want to say about your last journal entry, but this is your journal not mine so I will (try to) be brief.

I have been thinking over and over again about what you said about adults always wanting to fix things. I can see what you mean and you are right. But let me say that in the adult world that really is how things are. A job, a family, a relationship: all those are, to a great extent, about identifying what needs to be done and then doing it. Or as you put it - fixing things. So it is easy to fall into a constant "fix" mode I guess. I have heard this is something that men especially do a lot, more so than women. My wife tells me that when she talks to me sometimes she just wants me to listen and let her know that it is okay to have those feelings - she is not waiting for me to "fix it". So its good you remind us. But here is the other side of the coin: isn't it also cool when you have a problem, talk about it here, and it does get fixed?

A last point. I know how you feel about some things being just too embarrassing to ask about. But asking no question means you get no answer. All of us were 16 once, and any question you have will certainly be one that many others here have wondered about at some time or another. The example you gave is a good one - it has to be one that almost any kid in your situation would think of. There is nothing wrong with that and its not a stupid question.

Great journal - I think you are really doing well,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#34982 - 05/26/05 02:50 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
Dude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 116
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
I liked the entry, it sctuslly mskes a whole lot of since. My T say even tho i 28 i sometimes have 2 think what would woulk 4 a younger or older person 2 help me. Like in T, we discusessed buying Timmy a bear cuz he 4 or 6 years old not 28. Anyway main thing my T say that i wanna share is it no mateer how old u are or what anyone say it what u comfortable with at that time n what u want. Sometime it k 4 my wife 2 hug me n sometime not; but if i no tell her she no no. sorry. -Dude


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#34984 - 07/08/05 10:47 AM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Kev, all of these feelings can be explained.
It is like re-reading a lot of peoples story in what you say.

JT wont leave you, I know things are hard right now, and yes, you may feel like the odd one out.

You have to talk these feelings OUT, they are not always valid, but we all have had these feelings of somehow not being in control.

The important thing is to find time to totally relax, and process information.

Fears of the past cannot as much hurt you today, but they are still there.

Try to minimise those fears, but speak with a T, and just be honest with her. I know it is massively difficult, but it is not beyond you ;\)

Yes, you are facing difficulty with all these thoughts, but I can recognise many of them also.
Do not let your mind dwell on negatives, there are also a lot more positives in the world, so look for them,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#34985 - 12/28/05 06:22 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?)
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Just bringing back Kev's journal for the new guys to read.

He is really amazing at expressing himself, I pray that he is OK,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#167294 - 07/17/07 09:06 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: reality2k4]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I'm bringing this back up, cos Kev was like my bgi bro. I also wanted Theatrekid to read it cos he was nervous about talkign to his parents about it.

N


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#167299 - 07/17/07 09:24 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: Nyjah]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Nyjah,

Wow, I remember so much of this from right after I came to MS. I think it always helps you guys to read what each other has to say from the perspective of similar age and issues. I also recall how close you and Kev were - I'm sure he still thinks of you as his little brother.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#167312 - 07/17/07 10:32 PM Re: Journal 1 (triggers?) [Re: roadrunner]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I sure hope so. I miss him tons. I hope he's okay. He'll always be my big bro.


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