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#34915 - 11/17/03 04:20 PM Wasted?
Thomas Offline
Member

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise
I find myself doing again what I so often do, which is bemoan and bewail how I've wasted my life. It's so damn frustrating! I have a college degree and am quite intelligent. I have so much to offer employers (or so my therapist and friends tell me). Yet I am underemployed in a Macjob, part-time, barely over the minimum wage. Financially, I'm chin deep in a pile of very smelly dinosaur dung. I have a penchant to use anything and everything to anesthetize my emotions compulsively, from booze to masturbation to as innocent an activity as reading a science fiction novel (I'm one of the original Trekkies). The perpetrators' (my mother and grandfather) internalized voices continually badger and blast me about how thoroughly I've wasted every chance I ever got, how I don't deserve anything good anymore, if I ever did, and how useless and worthless I am. Their voices are so loud that I can't hear my little boy crying inside, I can't hear myself, and most importantly, I can't my Higher Power's voice of love and affirmation. I just feel like screaming SHUT UP!!!!!!

Thanks for listening to me vent.

_________________________
To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

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#34916 - 11/17/03 07:27 PM Re: Wasted?
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Thomas,

I'm where you are (yes, in deep financial dung, raging, dulling the pain, the whole bit), and I want you to know I hear you.

Sometimes, it helps just to know others hear you scream. Well I do, bro. And I care about you.

I love you, Thomas. No strings. I care.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#34917 - 11/17/03 10:04 PM Re: Wasted?
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
that dung heap must stretch the length of north america because i am there with both of you \:\)

kind of a sad commentary on things. sorry, not very upbeat lately.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#34918 - 11/17/03 10:24 PM Re: Wasted?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
It is strange, I think, how easy it is we believe the bad things of ourselves. I guess it is the 'programming', that we have been taught to believe all that, so it comes into our heads easier then good thoughts. How to change that way of thought, I do not know. I wish I could tell you something other then 'they are wrong' and 'it will get better'.

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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