I was in high school, I was at home, walking downstairs about to tell my mom about the incest from my dad after me and him got in a verbal fight, I was probably 16, the sexual abuse was from 6-12 ( I was also gang raped by 2 teenagers at age 5). I was going down the stairs about to tell my mom.

I couldn't believe I was going to do it, but I didn't even reach my mom, I felt something like in my head that made me act weird, first 2 times I got nervous and ran up the stairs, and then I was really going to do it, then I felt something in my head like my brain telling me to stop (it wasn't anything painful), and it was crazy cause it made me spin around, I did this once, it's like I was fighting my own brain or something, so I never told her. I eventually did when I was 19 or 20, regret it.

Can someone explain what the hell that was?

I'm no expert, but my first thought would be fear. It can be overpowering like that.

The first time I spoke about being abuse, I quickly retracted and said I was joking (my abuser was present when I said something to my sister and another cousin). I was too afraid to hold to the story.

Years later, I wrote a letter to my family telling them. But I couldn't even mail it to them. I gave the letter to a friend of mine who mailed it for me because I was too scared to do it myself.

Fear is a powerful force, and it can mess with our heads and keep us from doing what we sometimes know must be done. Sometimes it gets the better of all of us. It's good that you were able to tell, even if it was several years later. I hope that you continue to find freedom from it in the future.

__________

So is it the amygdala that made me act the way I did? the uncontrollable body movement?

It seems to me as though you might have some sort of dissociative disorder from abuse starting at age 5.

Guys with such a dissociative disorder can experience conflicts in their motivations as you did. I have had that a lot and I still get it.

Do you have any other symptoms?

Allen

pufferfish

I do have a dissociative disorder, but the experience I was talking about is much different than my disorder. I have a little depersonaliztion and I also have derealization, which is 24/7 probably since elementary school, just found out about it this year.

Do you have headaches?

Do you hear voices? (dissociative disorder voices?)

Do you sometimes feel or act very young?

Do you ever find that you've done something that you have no memory of doing?

Other?

Allen

no headaches, no voices- only happens to a few, I act young-- didn't know that was part of dissociative disorder, i dont have amnesia, i dont have DID, I have depersonalization & derealization, 24/7 of derealization for many years, almost my whole life, depersonalization just a little, dont even know if I would have it if I didn't have derealization.

DH,

Many times, during my childhood I wanted to tell my dad that my mom and her brother had been sexually, physically and emotionally abusing me.

I did NOT even until my dads death this last July 2010. He tried several times to talk with me. I was going to tell him so many times.

I did NOT because I was a kid. You and I did what we could during that time. We were just boys.

Hugs yourself often,
Donnie