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#348927 - 12/23/10 04:05 PM Why can't I let things go?
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
Hi guys,
I have a difficult time moving on from something that happened to me, 30 years ago, when I was 22 years old. I was just out of college and working , when my new female boss (and next door neighbor) befriended me and then seduced me while we were walking home and suggested that I ask her husband (both in their mid 30's)if he would like to to watch us have sex.

They made it seem like it was my idea as I asked him about the "idea". He quickly agreed (he did ask me what would my future wife think about it??)and later that night she took me up to the tub to get me warmed up before going downstairs where he was waiting naked on the bed. I was thus unknowingly thrust into a menage a trois situation that I had not signed up for. I was never sexual with him and after the encounter he made comments about what a nice body I had , and wasn't it great that friends could express their feelings sexually and would I want to spend the night. I said no and left but under pressure and attraction to the woman I returned the next night when he assaulted/grabbed my penis to reinsert me (I suppose and more on the way I think)after his wife was on top of me and I "slipped" out (or was it staged?) . I never saw what he was up to. I pushed his hand away.

He tried to introduce porno into the equation through the suggestion of his wife but I said no. There were two other encounters and I said no more. The woman said her husband was not happy about me ending things and then she started hitting on me to have sex with her alone in the house while he was at work. I said no to this.

That is my story basically and I feel shame about it all the time . In many ways I'm not sure what happened because she denied that he was bi/gay and he just blew it off like the touching of me was no big deal (he said "think of the physical proximity").

I feel like I was sexually assaulted and they made it seem like I had no right to my body. She would also "prohibit" me from asking out other girls at the retaurant and tried to control my life with other girls my age that I liked. I also needed a place to live and rented a room in their house for 2 months with my other two friends so we could work thru the fall. They just acted like nothing happened and told me not to tell anyone.I just hate the confusion! I do feel better when I can look at this as a setup where I was able to do a pretty good job of defending myself from a gay predator that lured me in thru the sexual "hook" of his wife.

I just want to move on and feel like this creep and this couple didn't damage me or may manhood/sexuality in any way.I did write him a letter saying to keep his hands off me and that God wouldn't forgive him.

This happened 30 years ago. I always focus on him touching me and not all the other sexual grooming/mind control that went on. I want to just move on with my sexuality and male pride intact.I'm trying to heal, brothers!


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#348930 - 12/23/10 04:40 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: honorableman]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Hi honorableman,

I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain from those past events with the couple. I am glad you are seeing a good therapis who is helping you.

I think that as we dig into the heart of our issues it may get worse but will get better one day. Recovery is an up and down thing for sure.

What issues are you working on in therapy right now?


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#348931 - 12/23/10 04:54 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: prisonerID]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
Thanks for responding, Daryl. I am working on not defining my manhood through my penis and understanding that I was a victim and that much worse than touching was on my way from him and that he was a gay predator who saw me as a sexual object just like his wife did.

I was set up but did not give up my manhood in any way.


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#348932 - 12/23/10 05:07 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: honorableman]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I think many instances of abuse are set ups not only with CSA but with adults as well. My last therapist showed me that my assailants did not just "get a sick idea" when they saw me. Rather they were out looking for someone to victimize and I just happened to be the target.

Do you see her as a predator as well on a level that you view him?

I agree about manhood not being encased in our sex organs. We are more than that - much more.

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#348936 - 12/23/10 05:26 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: prisonerID]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
Hey, brother. Yes, I do view her as a vicious predator and really I was totally under her control and that is why I followed her where she took me.

I am also understanding that it was a set-up and not denying that I was a victim, and starting to accept that yes this did happen to me.

I find it easier to think of my abuse through this reference point, but don't do it enough. She was a bad influence who devoured me.

Thanks for your comment about manhood not being "encased" in our sexual organs. That is absolutely true. I need to remind myself my masulinity can't be taken away and that I just lost control of my life to an evil woman for a period of time. I recently told my wife of 17 years about the incident and this is her view. She wants me to stop struggling and be happy. She says that she controlled me and he never did.

My therapist told me to reclaim my body, heterosexuality, masculinity and femininity. I guess reclaim all that is me smile!


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#348939 - 12/23/10 05:48 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: honorableman]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I think you married a very intuitive and smart lady. Tell her I said so and maybe she will bake you some homemade cookies. Then you owe me! smile

Denying we were victims just places the blame on us and not on them. And that is just plain wrong in my own opinion. We were victims and there is no shame in that at all - it simply places the criminal acts on the criminals and not on us. And that is how it should be. To not see ourselves as victims is to deny the truth. Only then can we move on to be true survivors. I will always be a victim of that night. And I can finally embrace that and see who was truly at fault. And it was not me. And it was not you. We just have to remind ourselves of that every day.

The woman sounds like one slick manipulator. She seemed quite skilled at setting others up.

Ah, you have it! You are reclaiming what you never lost. What has always been yours! You nailed it, Rocky! (Cues music and watches as you run up and down the steps in Philly).

It takes time to "let go". The main thing is it not having such a hold on us.

smile

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#349219 - 12/28/10 10:38 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: prisonerID]
Guss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/17/10
Posts: 26
Loc: tx usa
In my own experiences, these people have done this before, and are professionals at it. They actually watch us for a while before they make their move. Yes, you were a victim. She had power over you at your job, and used it on you. She doesn't have that power anymore.
Keep on working to heal. You deserve it. Take back the right to yourself. You alone have the right to yourself, and how you are touched.
I want a cookie too.

_________________________
moooooo

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#349834 - 01/05/11 03:09 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: Guss]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
Hi Guss,
Thank you for your support and insights. I read your response while on vacation from my phone and it made me very happy and empowered. Thanks to prisonerID as well!

Your statement about about taking back the right to myself really rings true to me. Yes, I alone have the right to myself and how I am touched.

I was a victim but not for long. The older woman used her aggressive sexuality to entrap me through my heterosexuality (along with my youth and horniness). His devious and deceptive gay advances and gay act are all his own and pathetic.

I reclaimed my body starting when I pushed his hand away and then began the process of ending the abuse. I love my body and I am in control of my body. This includes my penis which is reserved for women (now it is exclusively reserved for my lovely wife) and hands off to men, especially gay predators that don't have the decency and respect to ask my permission if they can touch my "private parts", my body.

She controlled me for a lonely peiod in my life (I also hadn't been with a woman for over a year prior to her seduction and assault).

I honor myself for my actions of self defense. She no longer has power over me and he "never did". He was barking up the wrong tree. My only transgression was adultery, but even this is better looked at through the truth of how I saved myself and my life from a bisexual set-up/trap that would have possibly cost me my life. I escaped and live to fight another day.

I am a proud Male Survivor. Thanks to all my brothers for your support. I want to return the favor, to the best of my ability.

I love you guys, Michael


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#352650 - 02/02/11 06:41 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: honorableman]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
I have the right to how I am touched and by whom (girls only).

I know the truth about what you wanted to do with me. It is socially inappropiate and morally and ethically criminal and wrong.

My innocence was stolen but you can never take my manhood, masculinity or heterosexuality.

Michael





Edited by honorableman (02/03/11 06:36 AM)

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#352683 - 02/03/11 07:42 AM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: honorableman]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
I found your original message interesting before it was edited.



Edited by prisonerID (02/03/11 07:44 AM)
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#352700 - 02/03/11 12:59 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: prisonerID]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
THanks, Prisoner ID. Yes it was a good, powerful original message. I shouldn't have changed it in hindsight. Not sure of all the reasons why I changed it but they came mainly from a desire from a strong, good place within me

Oh well live and learn.

I'm getting better!!


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#352711 - 02/03/11 06:27 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: honorableman]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Okay...



Edited by prisonerID (02/03/11 06:33 PM)
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#369117 - 08/30/11 10:27 AM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: prisonerID]
honorableman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/19/09
Posts: 25
Loc: United States
To my fellow MS brothers,
I just wanted to send you a note to say hello. I have been doing really and then I started to get back in some of the old negative ruts so I logged in after a long break and felt the need to declare publicly what I am about to say.

You know, I am one hard critic on myself, and I need to empower myself with the inner courage that "Yes, I was sexually assaulted (not just by the husband's act of grabbing my erection without my permission, but by a wife and husband team of predators. Tough pill for me to swallow, but I am working on it!)and not a willing participant even though I was groomed and made to believe that I was an active , equal partner in this "hidden agenda of rape" and let's have fun with this toy we got here and get him to play our game.

Need to forgive myself for following an older sexually domineering/manipulative (to say the least) woman (very sexually atttractive to me at that time with large breasts, dirty blonde hair, a face that said "do me". I was led by my cock (she literally used that part of me to control me and considered my body and soul as her private property) into a sexual liason that appeared OK to me because she said hubby was going to WATCH. She told me to ask her husband about the liason like it was my idea! He even acted surprised by "my idea" but then picked up the>

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#369118 - 08/30/11 10:40 AM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: honorableman]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Good job bro...glad to see you're healing smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#369138 - 08/30/11 06:39 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: honorableman]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Glad to hear things are going well for you. Thank you for sharing the progress report with us.


Daryl

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#379504 - 12/14/11 10:08 PM Re: Why can't I let things go? [Re: prisonerID]
Tyr Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/05/11
Posts: 165
hw are you doing honorable?

_________________________
Once you hear the details of victory, it is hard to distinguish it from a defeat.

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