Hi guys,
I have a difficult time moving on from something that happened to me, 30 years ago, when I was 22 years old. I was just out of college and working , when my new female boss (and next door neighbor) befriended me and then seduced me while we were walking home and suggested that I ask her husband (both in their mid 30's)if he would like to to watch us have sex.

They made it seem like it was my idea as I asked him about the "idea". He quickly agreed (he did ask me what would my future wife think about it??)and later that night she took me up to the tub to get me warmed up before going downstairs where he was waiting naked on the bed. I was thus unknowingly thrust into a menage a trois situation that I had not signed up for. I was never sexual with him and after the encounter he made comments about what a nice body I had , and wasn't it great that friends could express their feelings sexually and would I want to spend the night. I said no and left but under pressure and attraction to the woman I returned the next night when he assaulted/grabbed my penis to reinsert me (I suppose and more on the way I think)after his wife was on top of me and I "slipped" out (or was it staged?) . I never saw what he was up to. I pushed his hand away.

He tried to introduce porno into the equation through the suggestion of his wife but I said no. There were two other encounters and I said no more. The woman said her husband was not happy about me ending things and then she started hitting on me to have sex with her alone in the house while he was at work. I said no to this.

That is my story basically and I feel shame about it all the time . In many ways I'm not sure what happened because she denied that he was bi/gay and he just blew it off like the touching of me was no big deal (he said "think of the physical proximity").

I feel like I was sexually assaulted and they made it seem like I had no right to my body. She would also "prohibit" me from asking out other girls at the retaurant and tried to control my life with other girls my age that I liked. I also needed a place to live and rented a room in their house for 2 months with my other two friends so we could work thru the fall. They just acted like nothing happened and told me not to tell anyone.I just hate the confusion! I do feel better when I can look at this as a setup where I was able to do a pretty good job of defending myself from a gay predator that lured me in thru the sexual "hook" of his wife.

I just want to move on and feel like this creep and this couple didn't damage me or may manhood/sexuality in any way.I did write him a letter saying to keep his hands off me and that God wouldn't forgive him.

This happened 30 years ago. I always focus on him touching me and not all the other sexual grooming/mind control that went on. I want to just move on with my sexuality and male pride intact.I'm trying to heal, brothers!

Hi honorableman,

I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain from those past events with the couple. I am glad you are seeing a good therapis who is helping you.

I think that as we dig into the heart of our issues it may get worse but will get better one day. Recovery is an up and down thing for sure.

What issues are you working on in therapy right now?


Daryl

Thanks for responding, Daryl. I am working on not defining my manhood through my penis and understanding that I was a victim and that much worse than touching was on my way from him and that he was a gay predator who saw me as a sexual object just like his wife did.

I was set up but did not give up my manhood in any way.

I think many instances of abuse are set ups not only with CSA but with adults as well. My last therapist showed me that my assailants did not just "get a sick idea" when they saw me. Rather they were out looking for someone to victimize and I just happened to be the target.

Do you see her as a predator as well on a level that you view him?

I agree about manhood not being encased in our sex organs. We are more than that - much more.

Hey, brother. Yes, I do view her as a vicious predator and really I was totally under her control and that is why I followed her where she took me.

I am also understanding that it was a set-up and not denying that I was a victim, and starting to accept that yes this did happen to me.

I find it easier to think of my abuse through this reference point, but don't do it enough. She was a bad influence who devoured me.

Thanks for your comment about manhood not being "encased" in our sexual organs. That is absolutely true. I need to remind myself my masulinity can't be taken away and that I just lost control of my life to an evil woman for a period of time. I recently told my wife of 17 years about the incident and this is her view. She wants me to stop struggling and be happy. She says that she controlled me and he never did.

My therapist told me to reclaim my body, heterosexuality, masculinity and femininity. I guess reclaim all that is me !

I think you married a very intuitive and smart lady. Tell her I said so and maybe she will bake you some homemade cookies. Then you owe me!

Denying we were victims just places the blame on us and not on them. And that is just plain wrong in my own opinion. We were victims and there is no shame in that at all - it simply places the criminal acts on the criminals and not on us. And that is how it should be. To not see ourselves as victims is to deny the truth. Only then can we move on to be true survivors. I will always be a victim of that night. And I can finally embrace that and see who was truly at fault. And it was not me. And it was not you. We just have to remind ourselves of that every day.

The woman sounds like one slick manipulator. She seemed quite skilled at setting others up.

Ah, you have it! You are reclaiming what you never lost. What has always been yours! You nailed it, Rocky! (Cues music and watches as you run up and down the steps in Philly).

It takes time to "let go". The main thing is it not having such a hold on us.

In my own experiences, these people have done this before, and are professionals at it. They actually watch us for a while before they make their move. Yes, you were a victim. She had power over you at your job, and used it on you. She doesn't have that power anymore.
Keep on working to heal. You deserve it. Take back the right to yourself. You alone have the right to yourself, and how you are touched.
I want a cookie too.

Hi Guss,
Thank you for your support and insights. I read your response while on vacation from my phone and it made me very happy and empowered. Thanks to prisonerID as well!

Your statement about about taking back the right to myself really rings true to me. Yes, I alone have the right to myself and how I am touched.

I was a victim but not for long. The older woman used her aggressive sexuality to entrap me through my heterosexuality (along with my youth and horniness). His devious and deceptive gay advances and gay act are all his own and pathetic.

I reclaimed my body starting when I pushed his hand away and then began the process of ending the abuse. I love my body and I am in control of my body. This includes my penis which is reserved for women (now it is exclusively reserved for my lovely wife) and hands off to men, especially gay predators that don't have the decency and respect to ask my permission if they can touch my "private parts", my body.

She controlled me for a lonely peiod in my life (I also hadn't been with a woman for over a year prior to her seduction and assault).

I honor myself for my actions of self defense. She no longer has power over me and he "never did". He was barking up the wrong tree. My only transgression was adultery, but even this is better looked at through the truth of how I saved myself and my life from a bisexual set-up/trap that would have possibly cost me my life. I escaped and live to fight another day.

I am a proud Male Survivor. Thanks to all my brothers for your support. I want to return the favor, to the best of my ability.

I love you guys, Michael

I have the right to how I am touched and by whom (girls only).

I know the truth about what you wanted to do with me. It is socially inappropiate and morally and ethically criminal and wrong.

My innocence was stolen but you can never take my manhood, masculinity or heterosexuality.

Michael

I found your original message interesting before it was edited.