I wasn't really sure where to put this, so I'm putting it here. There are just some things which I can't really say to anyone or ask about.
I entered a relationship three months ago. I'm always worried that he'll end it. See, I look young, and anyone who is attracted to me is going to be attracted to me because of "my look"—young looking, small and blonde. That's just something I have to accept. But I don't like how one day I'm going to look old, and if I end up with this guy for ages he might just get bored and look for someone younger and better looking. I really only have two friends in the world right now, and if he goes then I'll have nobody, because the other friend was his first. Now I was okay with being alone before, but he's shown me what it's like to be wanted and I don't know if I could handle being alone again. There's something about his physical touch which I've really grown attached to. If I'm away from him and alone for a while then I start really craving his touch and smell. Now I'm not seeing him for another two weeks and that's really getting to me, because I won't be able to touch him.
Also, I worry that he'll cheat. He's a man and that's what they will do eventually, especially the sexual kinds. He openly comments on guys he likes the look of and says how he would love to do stuff with them or have a threesome. That makes me feel really inadequate, but I do trust him to tell me if he ever crosses the line.
I don't like what I find sexually appealing—that is when he does stuff to me which reminds me of stuff I remember being done to me before or stuff that hurts. I don't like how I like that. Anal sex really hurts a lot, just because of the size of the sausage, but I like the pain which is probably bad. And I like when he finishes because it makes me feel like I could fulfill a duty. We got tested and we were both clean, which makes me feel better because I was always worried I picked something up back when I was younger.
I'm still a child, really. I missed out on most child things and years. I can still get away with it for now, but eventually it's going to just be creepy that I love stuffed animals and just want to go on slides and stuff. I don't really know boundaries that much, and I get scared of talking to people about everything. There are few people I feel safe around, especially after the past few months. I was physically assaulted once and verbally threatened by two more people (one of whom isn't allowed to speak to me anymore without getting into serious trouble). But when I feel safe, when I'm with him, I just get so happy and feel so free and feel wanted and like a real person, and that's something I don't want to get taken away from me because now I have it, to have it gone again would be so bitter.
Thanks for reading, sorry if this is incoherent.