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#348712 - 12/21/10 09:02 AM Just some things
Fried Offline


Registered: 05/29/10
Posts: 18
Loc: UK
Hi everyone

I wasn't really sure where to put this, so I'm putting it here. There are just some things which I can't really say to anyone or ask about.

I entered a relationship three months ago. I'm always worried that he'll end it. See, I look young, and anyone who is attracted to me is going to be attracted to me because of "my look"—young looking, small and blonde. That's just something I have to accept. But I don't like how one day I'm going to look old, and if I end up with this guy for ages he might just get bored and look for someone younger and better looking. I really only have two friends in the world right now, and if he goes then I'll have nobody, because the other friend was his first. Now I was okay with being alone before, but he's shown me what it's like to be wanted and I don't know if I could handle being alone again. There's something about his physical touch which I've really grown attached to. If I'm away from him and alone for a while then I start really craving his touch and smell. Now I'm not seeing him for another two weeks and that's really getting to me, because I won't be able to touch him.
Also, I worry that he'll cheat. He's a man and that's what they will do eventually, especially the sexual kinds. He openly comments on guys he likes the look of and says how he would love to do stuff with them or have a threesome. That makes me feel really inadequate, but I do trust him to tell me if he ever crosses the line.
I don't like what I find sexually appealing—that is when he does stuff to me which reminds me of stuff I remember being done to me before or stuff that hurts. I don't like how I like that. Anal sex really hurts a lot, just because of the size of the sausage, but I like the pain which is probably bad. And I like when he finishes because it makes me feel like I could fulfill a duty. We got tested and we were both clean, which makes me feel better because I was always worried I picked something up back when I was younger.

I'm still a child, really. I missed out on most child things and years. I can still get away with it for now, but eventually it's going to just be creepy that I love stuffed animals and just want to go on slides and stuff. I don't really know boundaries that much, and I get scared of talking to people about everything. There are few people I feel safe around, especially after the past few months. I was physically assaulted once and verbally threatened by two more people (one of whom isn't allowed to speak to me anymore without getting into serious trouble). But when I feel safe, when I'm with him, I just get so happy and feel so free and feel wanted and like a real person, and that's something I don't want to get taken away from me because now I have it, to have it gone again would be so bitter.

Thanks for reading, sorry if this is incoherent.


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#348736 - 12/21/10 12:19 PM Re: Just some things [Re: Fried]
tommyb Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 361
Loc: American South
(fried)


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#348738 - 12/21/10 12:50 PM Re: Just some things [Re: tommyb]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Fried:

it is good to acknowedge your feelings on here.

just take care of yourself.

i hate to be a a party-pooper --- but don't trust the guy - past where you can see him (like the front door).

oh --- and "respect yourself".


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#348745 - 12/21/10 02:10 PM Re: Just some things [Re: Fried]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
I really feel for you and am glad that you felt the courage to write about this today.

i have always struggled with appearances... i am a big guy and believed that no one would want me for my outer apperances... that no one could look past it for my heart and other good inner qualities... the guys that were attracted to me, i felt it all to be just lust... so it got me beleiving that no one wanted who I was inside...

I was single for 10 years, when I met my last boyfriend... I had gave up on finding a boyfriend, just thought I was meant to be alone. So when I found him, I was so relieved.. but it was not meant to be... I became very codependant on him and stayed longer than I should just because I was afraid to let go...

I have always struggled with sex... I feel into this trap of getting used... and various relationships and casual encountars just reinforced everything. Even my last relationship triggered me in many ways... It is a struggle, some guys are very sexual and with my last boyfriend I became to realize that was a lot of why he was with me...

Boundaries are tough to put up, especially if you aren't use to doing it but for me they are very important for my saftey. I am learning to speak out about what I do and don't deserve... and being able to say NO to something I don't need is a powerful thing!

I am sorry that you didn't get to have your child years. I think there is nothing wrong with you as an adult still embracing that child. I think that is beautiful... I personally am the same way. I still have stuffed animals... Right now I sleep with one... I watch the Disney channel and love playing with my nieces and nephew...

Being single again, was tough... The last two months have been very difficult to seperate from him but I did it... and it was probably for the best, even though I miss him...

Relationships are tough, they take work... Going into them each person has their own sets of fears, insecurities and baggage... Plus when you start to know someone you have all these feelings and you don't know how the other person thinks and feels. It is very nerve racking...

Plus it can be tough, when the person you are with says things about other people or mentions having threeways... Especially if you are uncomfortable about that... I can totally see how that would make you feel bad... Can you talk to him about it and how it made you feel? I am not sure where you guys are at in regards to commitment? Communication is very important in any relationship.

I hope you find that you are never alone... That is one thing I have learned about this site... Continue to reach out, there is a wonderful amount of support on this site. You deserve so many wonderful things, so do all of us! I can understand how you would'nt want this connection with your guy to go... I often feel the same thing... Especially when most of my connection is from my family, which is great but I would love to have some good friends again...

I hope this all made sense. I know the fact that you won't see him for the next few weeks is alarming for you. Know you can always come on MS and get the support you need. There is a chat room, that I use daily... It is a great source for support as well.

I am sorry you had to go through the things you had to... You didn't deserve any of it!

Hang in there. I know its tough. Huggs



Edited by diamondheart (12/21/10 02:14 PM)
_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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