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#34887 - 02/01/03 05:34 PM Re: re: virginity
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
That young man has a tremendous amount of courage to speak at 16 about the worst thing that can be perpetrated on a 12 year old. The trust that he has and the obvious determination to heal is really remarkable and he should get a tremendous round of applause from us all. Give him that to him for us. Would that we had had the courage,the opportunity, and the determination at that age to do the same.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#34888 - 02/04/03 09:45 AM Re: re: virginity
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
In Richard Gartner's book, Betrayed as Boys, he talks about self-states...in the worst cases DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder, formerly Multiple Personality Disorder)and in milder forms, probably applicable to every human on the planet, is the notion is that we all need to be able to transition among the various concepts and roles that we play, i.e. student, father, employee, etc. Maybe your young client may find this concept useful. What I mean is that, yes, we've all been "touched," and so have lost some greater or lesser degree of innocence, or virginity, but we can be innocent, and NEW to being loved (sexually and otherwise) by another nevertheless. There's a part of us all that is still innocent...virgin.


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#34889 - 02/07/03 06:44 AM Re: re: virginity
Jess Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/26/03
Posts: 107
Loc: California
Ken:
I just now read your post and all the replies to it. I am sorry I did not have the opportunity to respond before and have my reply included along with those from the other brothers in this forum. Most of the views shared in the replies were positive and hopefully will be of value to your young client. One thing that I thought about throughout my reading was the fact that your client is very young. He is only 16. He was even younger when he was sexually abused. He was 12. Although, there may be tremendous physical differences between a 12 year old boy and a 16 year old boy, the main differences are those of secondary physical and sexual characteristics. However, there is not the same kind of tremendous difference in the emotional maturity between the 12 year old and the 16 year old. I grant that maturity levels vary from person to person. However, using myself as an example, after being sexually abused as a child, I felt younger and less mature emotionally, psychologically, and socially than other boys my age when I was 16. Yes, my body was bigger, and my hormones were raging, but I still felt like I was stuck in childhood. I was still a little boy inside, and I felt that I was different than the other guys. I experienced sa over a 2 year period of time (4 - 5) by an adult neighborhood man, and also a span of time (9-12) when I was forced to have unwanted sex with an adolescent female cousin, and being raped (at age 14) by a stranger who had seduced me into a sexual situation. After I entered puberty I had strong sexual urges, and because of the sexual abuse I was sexually obsessed, but only in my thinking and in my fantasies. I had girlfriends in high school, but like your client, I did not have sex with them, and I felt that I was not a virgin, and I felt unclean, unworthy, not "normal" because a man had used me in a "queer" way. That's why I did not want to get involved sexually with a girl until I was married at a much older age. I am so sorry that your client has had to experience the tragedy of male sexual abuse, but I am so proud of him for having the courage to speak out about having been sexually abused. I am so happy that he is getting therapy at an early age. I myself, never told anyone ever throughout my life, and I lived in a sort of "hell" because of it. However, I am now in therapy, and look forward to recovery. Please encourage your client to wait and to save his LOVE and the physical intimacy which comes with that LOVE for someone who also loves him and who can respond with full emotional, physical and spiritual maturity. This special someone is usually NOT going to be a high school girl who is 16 years old like your client. Even though NATURE may have equipped us physically for sex at an early age, sex is still not a pastime to be engaged in by children who are ill-equipped to handle the physical and emotional consequences of such acts. Otherwise, this can be a perpetuation of the childhood sexual abuse. I know that this discussion flies in the face of the current popular cavalier attitudes concerning sex which are portrayed in movies and on television. But there is a greater majority of people in today's society who disagree with such portrayals and who are attempting to raise their families with a healthier, less sexually obsessed, and more traditional set of values. Please applaud your client for his decision to wait to have sex until he is ready. He is a wise young man. Remind your client that sexual activity at the wrong time with the wrong person at too young an age can be a continuation of the abuse. Besides the fact that in most states the age of consent is 18 and over, even when sexual intercourse among teens is mutually consented to, the law does not recognize that a person under the age of 18 has the legal capacity to consent. Therefore, many states have enacted legislation into statutes which make sex with an under-age person (either male or female) a crime. Good luck, Ken, and keep up the good work.


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#34890 - 02/07/03 09:19 AM Re: re: virginity
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
However, using myself as an example, after being sexually abused as a child, I felt younger and less mature emotionally, psychologically, and socially than other boys my age when I was 16. Yes, my body was bigger, and my hormones were raging, but I still felt like I was stuck in childhood. I was still a little boy inside, and I felt that I was different than the other guys
Ditto...

Quote:
Even though NATURE may have equipped us physically for sex at an early age, sex is still not a pastime to be engaged in by children who are ill-equipped to handle the physical and emotional consequences of such acts. Otherwise, this can be a perpetuation of the childhood sexual abuse...Please applaud your client for his decision to wait to have sex until he is ready. He is a wise young man.
Jess, I quite agree with you in this.


Thanks for sharing your words of experience & insight. Take care, brother survivor.

Victor


_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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