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#348426 - 12/18/10 04:50 AM Is it just me?
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Lately when I read posts on MS I feel there is a lot of implied homophobia, even transphobia and mysogynism. Mind you I have struggled with this on and off, ever since I joined MS 10 years ago.

Is it just me and am I perceiving things in the wrong way?

I feel really uncomfortable and unsafe as a result. Not sure how to get around this feeling.

Maybe I am being triggered for some reason. Maybe I suffer from Heterophobia.

It is doing my head in.


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#348433 - 12/18/10 06:18 AM Re: Is it just me? [Re: blaidd]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I know what you are talking about ...for me, it's not so much homophobia, as much as the work some brothers are doing regarding ssa? I haven't experienced any outright homophobia, but i do detect a lot of wariness and also misunderstanding on the threads...

Each brother is on his own path ...many share the same fork on the road...and some will go the long route to avoid us...

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http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#348437 - 12/18/10 09:34 AM Re: Is it just me? [Re: Darkheart]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
Take a breath, blaidd, that's what I do. It's hard to feel like everyone around you has a license to judge, demean, and dismiss you.

I've been experiencing some homophobia here on MS for a while and, sadly, today I think transphobia got added to the list.

For our straight brothers who were abused by men there is a lot of anger about what happened to them, and sometimes that anger gets channeled at gay men. It takes a while for those brothers to work it through. I try and give them a wide berth while they do that work and try not to take it personally.

I think the same is true of our brothers abused by women and this might the be source of some of the misogyny you are picking up. Certainly the presence of women on MS via the Friends and Family forum gets strong reactions, but I think we are the better for the perspective they bring us.

If you don't feel safe because of something you see on MS, please share that feeling with a moderator.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#348464 - 12/18/10 03:27 PM Re: Is it just me? [Re: blaidd]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
Blaidd, it is not just you... Funny enough I was talking about it last night with a friend...

I am learning to stay away from certain topics of conversation because they have nothing to do with me like topics like ssa or same age abusers... but that can be difficult when they invade their ways into the gay section here... Sure most of it isn't obvious, it is subtle but it is there. One of the things I am working on in my recovery is how others see me as. I have let others homophobia (religious) shape who I was and how I felt about myself. I am working to overcome this all. So when I see some things on here, it mirrors what I have endured in the past and I get horribly triggered.

I think part of it has to do with societies view on men liking other men. Sure things are getting better but many still see it as wrong and dirty. Many men struggle with coming out and having feelings towards men without CSA... Probably many survivors who are having SSA are afraid to be labeled gay and that is probably where I take some offense to it, like it is a bad thing to be gay.

For me, I have heard way to many times it is a lifestyle or a choice. So this is a touchy subject with me because I don't believe that is the case. I have always known for the most part that I was gay. Before I came out in 1995, the only thing I questioned was whether I was gay or nothing at all. Being straight was not an option for me.

I think it is important for our straight brothers to reconize that most abusers are not homosexual. It is very easy for someone to project their feelings onto someone else and that can make it tough on the person on the other end... We are also on a healing path of our own and not just from CSA. For two long I have taken into consideration everyone elses feelings and neglected mine in the process. I am working on overcoming this.

Not taking it personal is the key but that doesn't always make it any easier. I get tired of hearing the same things over and over... There also comes a point where it is nessassry for me to stand up for what I believe in and a time to walk away when I know my words will do nothing. Like when someone has their mind made up and won't listen to anything you have to say...

Each person is on their own journey and they must learn these things on their own but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate anything that is unhealthy for me... or remain silent.

Thanks again Blaidd for having the courage in posting this... huggs

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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#348475 - 12/18/10 06:50 PM Re: Is it just me? [Re: diamondheart]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: Derek Stephens
Each person is on their own journey and they must learn these things on their own but that doesn't mean I have to tolerate anything that is unhealthy for me... or remain silent.

Never a truer word was spoken. smile

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#348476 - 12/18/10 07:17 PM Re: Is it just me? [Re: diamondheart]
blaidd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Thanks for the feedback guys, much appreciated.

Originally Posted By: Derek Stephens
Not taking it personal is the key but that doesn't always make it any easier. I get tired of hearing the same things over and over... There also comes a point where it is nessassry for me to stand up for what I believe in and a time to walk away when I know my words will do nothing.


This sums up my feelings exactly and maybe contains the solution as well. I have been around long enough to see this pattern occur over and over and I am tired of it. Just because I understand the process of what straight or confused men go through in regard to SSA, for example, and their healing journeys does not diminish certain feelings I have of being invalidated, minimised or offended.

The struggle I am having is in being able to separate myself from the negative messages which abound and which are not overt, but implied or internalised expressions about being gay. Mind you when it comes to spirituality I feel like people think they have carte blanche to vilify gay men and this infuriates me, whenever that issue comes up.

As efm said I am just going to have to take a deep breath and like Derek maybe just walk away.


**** Possibly Triggering ****

The complicating factor in all this is that I think this issue is triggering me and that's why I start feeling unsafe. While I know that abuse is not necessarily about the sexual orientation of the perpetrators, I was abused by men who were fiercely "heterosexual", but who just happened to like boys on the side.

So while I haven't quite figured out the mechanics of why this issue is triggering me, I recognise and own the fact that it is and I am aware of it. Sigh...


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#348479 - 12/18/10 07:41 PM Re: Is it just me? [Re: blaidd]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 728
Loc: United States
I'm sorry to hear that this is having such an effect on you, blaidd. If you want to chat in PM about anything, please let me know.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#348481 - 12/18/10 09:37 PM Re: Is it just me? [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
I really feel for you blaidd! I too get triggered and I don't always know how to handle it or what to say? For me I have had so many tell me or imply that being gay was wrong or bad that when I hear it today it just makes me want to stand up and scream! You can only put so much air into a balloon before it explodes! I too have also had to deal with the two cousins in the family who heterosexual that caused a great deal of harm but yet they are looked at better than me because I'm gay! I think you are doing the best thing for you by giving yourself a voice here! You aren't alone my dear friend! Huggs

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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#348494 - 12/19/10 08:41 AM Re: Is it just me? [Re: diamondheart]
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
You're not alone.. You're not imagining things. I've felt it too.

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#348499 - 12/19/10 10:27 AM Re: Is it just me? [Re: blaidd]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: blaidd
Lately when I read posts on MS I feel there is a lot of implied homophobia, ...


i'll weigh in with a different p.o.v.

i don't get the same conclusion. but maybe i'm looking at posts from a different perspective. i live in daily fear that my boss will find out. i should be the poster boy for suffering through this, quietly. (simply put i'd be fired, case closed, and lawsuits do nothing to keep food on the table or one's career on track.) i have no support from a loving, caring gay community.

that said, i think there is an important discussion to be had about homophobia. i embrace these discussions, i don't have to agree with points made, just as no one has to agree with mine, and i encourage the discourse as long as everyone just agrees to be civil.

i believe that misinformation is at the root of homophobia.

and while i simply cannot explain folsom st. fair to someone who asks me "why do all the gays do that" i do my best to explain that not all gays are alike. some of us just suffer in silence. some are ultra conservatives. some of us are still virgins at 47. some marry and raise society's unwanted, discarded children. some avoid the noise from outspoken gay activists, because even we are shocked at the selfishness they expose.

_________________________
Jeff

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