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#348282 - 12/16/10 03:03 AM Seeing myself just as a sex object... (TRIGGER)
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
I struggle with overcoming this... I have made strides to when it comes to parts of this but I still have a long road ahead of me...

It is tough to rewire your brain, especially when it comes to sex. I am now at the point in my healing where I know what I want, what I deserve, what I need and what will or won't get me all of that... I also know what will make feel worse if I do it... But I still catch myself going down the same road as before...

My abuser brainwashed me into thinking I was an object, that my purpouse was to have things taken from me. That I deserved to be used, that was how someone showed you how they loved you... And when they are done, they reject you and leave you...

In my adult life, I have found myself in situations that only re-enforce what I learned with the csa... Some have been by choice and other unintentional.. Each encounter just re-traumatized myself. Sex has always been dirty, a punishment... The last relationship I had I couldn't even touch or kiss my boyfriend, let alone have sex with him...

Like I said I have come a long ways in regards to acting out sexually... I use to put myself in harms way sexually. I use to be very sexually promicious. I used sex as a way to gain self worth and to feel better about myself but it never worked. It was always false and left me feeling worse than before.

Currently I don't even want to have sex and the thought of a relationship scares me. I am happy to be single. I still catch myself believing that I have to have a man to be happy. It is that codependant part of me that gets me everytime...

I have internalized many things with my weight. One is that the only way to get someone to be attracted to me and love me, is to either use or be used or both...

Part of the acting out, I ventured into a world I never thought I would... I am even nervous about sharing it here but feel I need to get it out...

Sexually I have never felt in control, especially the CSA... When I found the whole bdsm world, that changed. Not only was it allowing to be in control in the present but also the past! It was also a way for me to be strong and stand up for myself! But yet again, I would find myself feeling worse afterwards...

Over a year ago, I started to realize that it wasn't really me and it killed me inside to be seen like that. Who I am is a guy with a big heart with a lot of love to give... Someone who would do anything to not hurt someone... But then how could I get myself in situations where I was the one doing the using? Even though it was all consentual, these guys wanted it. I still felt no better because I was doing to them what was done to me... I couldn't do it any longer...

The last year I have found myself struggling with overcoming this aspect of it... I was finding myself forcing myself to get into these types of sexual relationships... I didn't want to but couldn't stop myself...

Since I have started the healing proccess the last few months, I have been able to stand up for myself and tell others my boundaries... I have a few guys I use to talk to on yahoo try to message me, and I have been able to say NO... and that has been really empowering...

Recently I have been getting to know this guy. He has been wonderfully supportive. I have told him things that I haven't with many (other than here). Though I am not ready for a relationship, my mind goes there and I have found myself starting to like him... Plus when I talk to him about personal things, I feel close to him..

The past two months I haven't felt very sexual... It has been close to three months without having sex... Though lately when I talk to him on the phone I start to get arroused, he doesn't have to talk about anything sexual for that to happen.

A few weeks ago, it came out that he liked to have this kind of sex... and it obviously startled me. There is still a part of me that gets turned on by those things... and in my heart I know that it isn't me... Well one thing leads to another and we have phone s/x... Quickly after it first happened, I was clear to him that it was unhealthy for me to do that.

Though as I start to get to know him more, the more I like him... and then fears and insecurities surface..

Part of me thinks that the only way I will get him to like me is if I make him like me, in the way of dominating him... That because he likes this I have to give in to him... or he won't like me or he won't think I am special...

Plus there is a protection piece of it as well. Last night he talked about going over to a guys place for a week and I got very scared for him... Cause once he is there, I can't protect him... So I started to overstep my own boundaries and did something I don't want to do... Thinking if it would keep him safe, that is all that matters... Because in my mind, if I dominate him, I will keep him safe...

There is also a part of me that is afraid of losing him...

Surfice to say again last night, it got brought up and again we had phone s/x...

I keep trying to tell myself, that it doesn't make me a bad person or a monster but I can't help but feel awful about it...

I don't want to lose a friendship and his support but I am struggling turning off that part of me...

The part where I am just a piece of meat and love has to be taken...

I want to be able to keep healthy boundaries and make better choices, and this just all confuses me even more...

I use to think I was this hideous, ugly monster. that scared other people. A lot of it had to do with the csa, my weight and my actions.

I now realize that I am a beautiful, strong creature that was meant to love and be loved in return... It just bothers me when some of my actions don't always embrace that... I want people to see me for who i am and not what some people have seen me as... Part of my issues from the past, have come from how others have seen me as. I not only internalized and became it but also thought that is all the world saw me as...

So for example, my abuser saw me as an object which made me feel like an oject. If I felt like an ojbject, that must make me one! In the past, I have tried to show the world and others of my good qualities but it ended up only re-enforcing it all! It all just made me feel rejected, used and worthless. To the point where I became the object my abuser saw me as and that is all I have showed the world since... and that is all I thought the world saw me as, A MONSTER! Each time I have tried to venture out of the darkness, I have failed miserably and have always ran back into hiding...

Well I am tired of the darkness and shame, tired of always running and hiding...

I deserve love and the opportunity to love others... I am tired of hiding my good qualities because of others insecurities, including my own...

I am not worthless but WORTH everything! I want to continue to embrace who I am and the love I have to give... I just need to remind myself that I deserve love! From others and myself...

I am finally embracing myself and giving myself love. I am also starting to let go of others untruths of me... It is just the times I do faulter and cave into my fears and insecurities (when I act out), it reminds me of that worthless/shameful place I use to be and that scares the crap out of me. Because I never want to go there again... I just have to remember that it is going to take time to rewire my brain and remember how far I have come...

Feelings of shame and worthlessnes, are the worst for me... and I just want to overcome them both... and never feel them again, at least not in the way I still ocasionally do....

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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#348287 - 12/16/10 07:53 AM Re: Seeing myself just as a sex object... (TRIGGER) [Re: diamondheart]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 859
Loc: washington
Derek,

Just my thoughts as a survivor...

I was in a session with somebody who I highly respect...and at some point confessed to having a lot of simmilar bdsm type fantasies...

Her advice to me...was to develop a really strong relationship first and then whatever I wanted to do in the bedroom after that was my business.

idk...I am not sure if if you are having mixed feelings ~or~ if you truly have a desire to turn this 100 percent off...(not trying to persuade you either way...and I applaud your efforts reguardless).

I do believe...however...there is a lot to be positively gained by putting time and energy into building a strong relationship first...(and perhaps at that point...this will all become a non issue).


All I Really Want (Alanis Morissette)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#348298 - 12/16/10 09:47 AM Re: Seeing myself just as a sex object... (TRIGGER) [Re: 1islandboy]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
Sure I totally aggree with whatever you do in your bedroom is your business. For me it is a matter of is what I am doing helping or hurting me... It is not like I am really enjoying it anymore... Also not building a relationship built on sex, that just makes me feel used. I don't really have mixed feelings on it, I know what is best for me and what I want...

For me, the strong relationship needs to be with myself and until I build that I will struggle with everything else... So that is what I am trying to do...

Also, trying to work on the feelings of shame and worthlessness that surface...

Thanks for your post island...

_________________________
I am a gay guy just trying to find my way...

http://itismytimetoshine.wordpress.com

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