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#348196 - 12/15/10 10:11 AM My story
jj78 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/10/10
Posts: 105
Loc: Midwest
Hi all-I just joined this site a few days ago, and after reading so many other stories like mine, I know have the courage to post my own story. Before doing so, I have to say it's amazing that there are so many other guys who've gone through the same abuse, and it's even more amazing the support everyone shows.

My abuse started at age 9 by my grandfather. It was common for him to tuck me into bed, so I didn't expect anything unusual...but the routine back massage turned into a fondling session. It didn't last too long as my grandma was in the other room. But the next morning as my grandma went to church, he continued with more actions and it just got worse.

I appreciate all your time, and if there are any other married guys in the same boat, send me a PM sometime.


Edited by jj78 (10/31/12 09:25 PM)

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#348206 - 12/15/10 11:44 AM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6350
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
You write the tragic report as if it were mundane...simple...common. In fact if its not bringing you into an emotional hell now, it certainly has the potential to.

Yes, I too was married and still have two very young children. I had a career, two grand houses (one in the mountains)..blah blah blah. It was all built while I wore a mask of normalcy. Well, the mask wore thin and I am writing to you in a freezing-cold hovel of an appartment. I can see my kid's school from here, but not my kids. I am the extreme of the continuum of healing...the bad extreme...I'm what happens when a wife does not think she "signed up for this shit."

Two hospitalizations and well over $100,000 in lawyer fees later, here I sit...shivering.

I hope I never see you in my boat. Tread carefully dude.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#348210 - 12/15/10 12:10 PM Re: My story [Re: Still]
jj78 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/10/10
Posts: 105
Loc: Midwest
Hey Robbie-Sorry if my post didn't show enough emotion. I actually have been chatting with some guys on here first and feel like some of that initial emotion was let out then.




Edited by jj78 (11/01/11 10:56 PM)

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#348211 - 12/15/10 12:21 PM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Nate you are doing great, no need to clarify for any of us. We all go through this differently, but dealing with it is all that matters. Congrats to you for stepping up for your wife your kids and yourself. Heal well brother. Keith

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#348212 - 12/15/10 12:38 PM Re: My story [Re: kb8715]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 723
Loc: NJ
"i had my first sexual experience with a man"

This is very difficult stuff and I want to just talk about this one small part of it.

I was told at the beginning of my journey that this is false...Abuse is not sex.

I know how we can feel this is our first ecperience..as I felt that way too....but ABUSE IS NOT SEX. It might have been the first instance of abuse that resulted in the body reacting like it should. Was not sex. Many of us get mad at our bodies for "enjoyng" it or betrayed by our bodies for this...you can work through that.

I hope that helps a bit....it was the start of my journey to get through that first bear trap.

H

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#348216 - 12/15/10 01:26 PM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 837
Loc: Kc,Mo
i got you covered on this one buddy i will send you a pm later on . just no that you are not alone at all what so ever on this . been there done that trying not to do it tomorrow if you no what i mean.

you will find out that this is way more common than you might think so take sone kind of comfort in that . i am also 32 married with 5 kids
ya i no 5 kids whoooo . it is all good though i will pm you when i get a minute


welome

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#348218 - 12/15/10 01:55 PM Re: My story [Re: nltsaved]
jj78 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/10/10
Posts: 105
Loc: Midwest
hey man, thanks for the reply. i'll wait to get your PM



Edited by jj78 (12/15/10 01:55 PM)

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#348219 - 12/15/10 02:20 PM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6350
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
Originally Posted By: jj78
Hey Robbie-Sorry if my post didn't show enough emotion. I actually have been chatting with some guys on here first and feel like some of that initial emotion was let out then. I struggle more now with the SSA and the potential harm it can cause my family...not as much with the actual SSA (even though that is the culprit).



That was in no way meant as a slam on you. I was merely commenting at how sad it is that we can report such things in such a manner....that's all.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#348271 - 12/16/10 01:34 AM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Michigan
Originally Posted By: jj78
Hey Robbie-Sorry if my post didn't show enough emotion. I actually have been chatting with some guys on here first and feel like some of that initial emotion was let out then. I struggle more now with the SSA and the potential harm it can cause my family...not as much with the actual CSA (even though that is the culprit).


This is your journey, experience and story... You shouldn't have to explain why you wrote something... There isn't a wrong or right when it comes to your story... We each have different experiences and handle things differenly. Just because something happened for one person, doesn't mean that will be the case for the next.

Talking about CSA is though enough, let alone telling your story...

I think it is great that you are reaching out to others... and felt comfortable enough to share your story here...


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#348296 - 12/16/10 09:32 AM Re: My story [Re: Still]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 106
Loc: Quebec-Canada
Hum I can't explain what I want Robert, and also I dont defend nor I say it is ok for jj78 the way he share is things. I only want us, meaning share light here to MS. Also I am still deeply struggling whit what my dad did to me. I know that you know it was incest also for jj78. I know there a part of me whit him (my dad) I love. There is also still deep in me rage, confusion,fury towards him because he was coward enough to vanish from this life. that is the part I can't and maybe never will or weakly repair maybe also I will be able to repair it I don't know. I know somewere in me i live like a phantom trying to past a barrier to get fully in the real life. It haunt me all the time, because i can't get at him (my dad). I know if he was still alive I would not kill him no, but someting in me tell me I would put the responsability on is shoulder or is head. Yes we did in my therapy try to i think the word is disclosure. I wroght him a letter whit lots of hatred and went on is grave 44 years later. Even whit the letter and still whit rage I read him it. I got furius so bad i think if there were of been someone near, he would of call the police. I know at that time I was dangerus.
I am sorry to tell you this, realy because now I am crying because i am monstrous.

You are alound to judge me and I dearly respect this from you. I know I should forgive my dad in the eyes of are Lord. Eatch Day I pray God to forgive me.



Edited by une.vie.d.espoir (12/16/10 09:35 AM)

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#348297 - 12/16/10 09:40 AM Re: My story [Re: diamondheart]
une.vie.d.espoir Offline


Registered: 12/06/10
Posts: 106
Loc: Quebec-Canada
I hope it is to you I am wrighting Derek.

I fell bad I dint I never wanted to hurt Robert honest.


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#348302 - 12/16/10 11:01 AM Re: My story [Re: une.vie.d.espoir]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 725
Loc: United States
Originally Posted By: une.vie.d.espoir
I know I should forgive my dad in the eyes of are Lord. Eatch Day I pray God to forgive me.

You don't need to forgive anyone unless and until the path to your recovery requires it. I don't believe forgivness is required of survivors, although many come to find it is a stepping stone on their path through recovery.

For forgiveness to be offered, the wrongdoer must ask to be forgiven along with an admission of culpability, a contrite heart, and seeking to make genuine amends. Even if all of these are present, there is still no obligation to forgive.

There is no "should" in forgiveness. No one can tell you that you must forgive, especially if the wrongdoer has never asked for it.

-efm


_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#348303 - 12/16/10 11:25 AM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6805
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: jj78

...
My abuse started at age 9 by my grandfather. It was common for him to tuck me into bed, so I didn't expect anything unusual...but the routine back massage turned into a fondling session. It didn't last too long as my grandma was in the other room. But the next morning as my grandma went to church, he continued the fondling and then proceeded with oral sex.
...
sometimes makes intimacy with my wife a challenge.
...


jj78

I had a similar experience with my grandfather but I was only 4 years old. Your report of your experience helps to validate mine. Thank you.

I report on my experience in pufferfish story part 2.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...4009#Post214009

I think that my mother must have sensed that something was going on because she packed us up in the old Buick and we left for Colorado soon after. That of course put an end to the abuse.

Some of the guys have commented on how you reported your story without emotion. I think this is a normal response in that the details of the incident and the emotions of it are stored in different parts of the brain. Dissociation may also be involved. Therefore remembering what is stored in the "detail" part of the brain happens at a different time than remembering the emotional memories.

You may be already experiencing some of the emotional memories as PTSD reactions. If so, then you can get over your PTSD and possibly much of your ssa feelings as you progress with talking the matter over with a trained and trusted counselor. In other words, what you are calling ssa is really a PTSD reaction resulting from your abuse. That's the way it worked for me. Healing will be greatly facilitated when you get so you can remember the emotions and the details at once. Then you will get over your PTSD and probably much of your ssa (I think).

I had trouble remembering the details of the abuse with my grandfather at age 4. I found a movie which helped me remember visually. It was The Education of Little Tree. The grandfather in that movie was very much like my own grandfather. In fact the whole setting of the movie in rural Tennessee was very reminiscent of my grandfather's place.

Allen





Edited by pufferfish (12/16/10 11:29 AM)

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#349213 - 12/28/10 10:15 PM Re: My story [Re: pufferfish]
Guss Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/17/10
Posts: 26
Loc: tx usa
I don't think you show lack of emotion. The abuse tends to numb us. In part, it's a self-defense mechanism.
The important things for us to remember are that we are not at fault, it is not something we wanted, and we have the right to be angry, bitter, sad or whatever we are feeling towards them.
I went through years of bitterness, and rage. I wanted to kill the man who attacked me. I considered it several times. I am glad I didn't do it. He took so much from me, if I'd killed him, he'd have gotten what was left.
At times, I felt strong SSA. I never acted upon it, and was confused as to why I felt that way. I have since learned that if I have healthy male friendships, I don't feel any SSA at all.
Don't give up. You deserve to heal, and you are worth it.

_________________________
moooooo

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#350655 - 01/13/11 04:29 PM Re: My story [Re: Guss]
damagedgoods Offline


Registered: 01/09/11
Posts: 7
Loc: California
JJ78
It is what it is'SSA" your still searching and so am i, we have that in common.
damagedgoods...

_________________________
Found this site thru my therapist, I was molested by my Fathers best friend at age 13 for two yrs. Trusting men is my biggest problem.

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#350808 - 01/15/11 12:21 AM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
tommyb Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 361
Loc: American South
__________


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#350847 - 01/15/11 11:55 AM Re: My story [Re: tommyb]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
ij78,
Oh so familiar, I am 49rs, married 20+yrs and kids etc. On telling my story at a WOR I also recieved a comment on lack of emotion, was a very revealing comment an AH-AH moment, you see I hadn't realize to what degree I had disassociated & isolated myself emotionally. I had the family, house, career etc, even church going. But I never realized the depth of the void & lack of emotion in my life. The comment was not meant to be negative or hurtful but an observation of the lack of emotion where extreme pain & frustration should have been, common to CSA survivors. What a thought or awareness for me that life could be more meaningful & satisfying if I could just be able to feel & experience emotion clearly & truthfully. I find myself seeking SSA situtautions getting intoxicated on the stimulus & intense passions felt, knowing they are temporal and shallow keeping my inner self walled up & safe. It is destructive none the less but still find myself drawn.....being that imposter seeking gratification over truth or revelation. I wish you the very best.


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#350863 - 01/15/11 02:23 PM Re: My story [Re: itrahan]
Magellan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 1388
Loc: California
Wow, incredible insight. The way you wrote that out created a clear picture of cause/effect/action/change.

Beautiful. Thank you!

D



Edited by tdillon (01/18/11 06:04 PM)
_________________________
It's a heroes journey, and you are the hero.

Loving Kindness Meditation will dramatically improve your spirits; give it a try for just 3 days: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz7cpV7ERsM

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#350872 - 01/15/11 05:52 PM Re: My story [Re: une.vie.d.espoir]
Czaesar72 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/10
Posts: 211
Loc: California, USA
frown


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#350894 - 01/15/11 11:20 PM Re: My story [Re: Czaesar72]
jj78 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/10/10
Posts: 105
Loc: Midwest
Hey guys...just wanted to thank all of you who have responded these past few days...it means a lot to me. I believe my initial post was viewed as lacking emotion, but that certainly is not the case. I think for years it was just easier to repress what happened to me, but I've always had my moments. Since joining here, I've forced myself to stop the repression (a bit) and have certainly felt more emotions. I actually created a new thread in the music section to convey songs that speak emotionally to me.

Anyway, thanks so much again...love you guys!



Edited by jj78 (11/01/11 10:59 PM)

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#398859 - 05/30/12 01:16 PM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
bodyguard8367 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/16/12
Posts: 1159
Loc: ""
""


Edited by bodyguard8367 (02/26/14 06:09 PM)
Edit Reason: SILENCED

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#398876 - 05/30/12 03:22 PM Re: My story [Re: jj78]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 837
Loc: Kc,Mo
wrong section


Edited by nltsaved (05/30/12 03:23 PM)
Edit Reason: wrong section
_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#446950 - 09/12/13 12:05 AM Re: My story [Re: Castle]
bluesky Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/04/13
Posts: 107
This is the best thing I have read you are right it is not sex or love It was abuse eval shit.
Thanks
_________________________
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain."
Frank Herbert

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#457281 - 12/23/13 04:46 PM Re: My story [Re: Still]
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
[quote]I'm what happens when a wife does not think she "signed up for this shit."[/quote
A great quote!
Especially when a family like mine, are in denial

When you are abused, nobody wants to know!
Why? Because they don't know how to.

If only they knew!
_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#457288 - 12/23/13 05:46 PM Re: My story [Re: reality2k4]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 3007
Loc: O Kanada
dear Re: jj78,
i am deeply sorry to hear about what happened to you.
your story really hit me deep.
the mention of church made me cry.
i can't really say what i feel, it's too much.

but congratulations on your milestones and anniversaries.
i love reading about the amazing progress you have been posting.
you sure have accomplished a lot in a short time.
great inspiration.

i thought i would give you this quote from reality2k4 who said it better than i could.
Originally Posted By: reality2k4
When you are abused, nobody wants to know!
Why? Because they don't know how to.


your statement is so simple and true, reality2k4.
it says what i could not.
the often overlooked tragedy of csa collateral damage.
it really made me think hard. ouch! that hurts.
(thinking hard and feeling, that is)
i can't begin to imagine the damage i have inflicted on my emotional ecosystem.
then i realize...
i always feel so involved and responsible and even guilty when someone i care about get sexually abused.
and, in some abstract way, that feeling extends to every abused child i become aware of.
it feels personal.
the protector in me grabs the steering wheel.
i have to hold myself back.
it is difficult to get involved.
think strategy, act efficiently.
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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