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#34817 - 06/13/02 11:13 AM Father Day Blues
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
You would think I could get over this but I don't. I just have a hard time handling Father's Day every year when it comes around. I have had two fathers in my life time. My first one, who actually "had" me took off when I was just a year old. I needed him so many times in my life while growing up. I think I saw him maybe once during a vacation when I was 11 years old. He taught me how to smoke and drive a car. Then he died when I was a freshman in highschool. My second father was a step-father. I was so happy to have him in my life. I even when I was 13 took on his last name. Later on his nitely visits to me proved that I did not like him. I had been fooled by the idea of having a father. I try to tell myself that what he did was out weighed by the good he did, but, it still feels like a betryal. Now, I am married and I have no children. I am 41 years old. I feel like I am missing out on something important. I have been teaching 5th grade for many year but children have not become my own. so goes Father's Day 2002

Terry


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#34818 - 06/13/02 12:07 PM Re: Father Day Blues
Ken Followell Offline
President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/30/01
Posts: 990
Loc: Bradenton, FL
Redsongbird,

I am 44 and my father was always a part of my life growing up. ( My parents divorced after I was married.) My Dad worked in a mill, shift work, so he was the man sleeping in the other room. He never knew, or so he said, that my uncle was abusing me for years.

I also have no children and understand the pain that Father's Day brings. I never used birth control, but my wife and I never conceived. I feel the emptiness at times, but over the years have also feared bringing a child in to this world. Even before my memories of abuse returned, I just had the feeling that I would b un able to protect a child from harm. I now know where tose feeling came from, but it doesn't always help knowing things.

Ken

_________________________
Ken Followell

Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad

"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
� Rabbi Hillel

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#34819 - 06/13/02 12:56 PM Re: Father Day Blues
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Guys
I can't believe what I read just now. It happened to me yesterday at work. One of the guys I work with was telling us his kids were taking him out to lunch and having a good drink in the pub afterwards. And a couple of others joined in and said pretty much the same.
I felt so deflated and lost. Suddenly the prospect of old age with no kids to mop up the drool and take me out loomed large.
My wife adores kids and has always wanted a family, but I've had a book of excuses as thick as telephone directory that I've used over the years.
It's the legacy I'm most bitter about. I made excuses because I was scared, scared I couldn't cope- I could barely cope with myself. But I was terrified that I might be an abuser if I was in a position of caring for a child. I've never had any sort of fantasy in that direction, never once have I looked at any kid and thought of them in a sexual way. But I didn't know if that could change, maybe that sort of fantasy might have gotten hold ? who knows ?
I wasn't prepared to take that chance.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34820 - 06/13/02 05:07 PM Re: Father Day Blues
Cement Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/05/02
Posts: 740
Loc: Southern California
My Dad left when I was 8. I told him I loved him when I was 18. It was the first time either one of us spoke those words.

I am 42, I have been married twice and never had any children. This kinda freaks me out to read this similarity with others. I always thought I would be a Dad, but now I see that it is no accident that I am not.

I hate Father's Day.

I have a wonderful stepchild, but no stepfather can or should be a replacement for a father. If I get something for Father's Day, I am embarassed. I try to be a positive role model for this child and I think I have been.

_________________________
And let the darkness fear our light.

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#34821 - 06/14/02 09:20 AM Re: Father Day Blues
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Hey Terry and Everyone,
This is one of my biggest problems...Hating father's day...I do have a wonderfull 13yo daughter that I try to give the world to....But father's day means my father to me!!!! He was a boxer, a figher, and a mad man...started me on the speed bag at 5yo...then he used me to spar with...bare handed...I got into a lot of trouble in grade school. When I came home beat up and raped at 11yo...he grossed me out for losing the fight and beat me up more. I'm very much afraid that I'm not a very good father...when I'm really flipped out..I use words to abuse my wife and daughter...1 or 2 times a week...short little gross outs..but they hurt. Reminds me of my father...dead 20+ years..and still hate seeing his face...on photos and in my mind...will never forgive him. I don't want my daughter to hate me for being so weak and falling apart over this SA crap that happened to me 40+ years ago. I have begged my wife to find a better man and father for my little girl..it just makes me feel so sad.

Eddie

Dearest Eddie--

Your little girl adores you and I love you very much. For us there is NO BETTER MAN OR FATHER!! We ONLY want YOU. You are a truly amazing man to have suffered so much horror and still have so much love in your heart!!

Babs

PS-Just keep on working on your recovery and anger management issues so life with you gets easier.


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#34822 - 06/14/02 04:57 PM Re: Father Day Blues
gords Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/24/02
Posts: 7
Loc: Ontario Canada
Hey guys
My father left when I was 8 MONTHS old. He said I wasn't his. Looking at pictures and mom swears that I am his. Oh well!!! I never had a father growing up. My mother eventually remarried but him and I were not close. Growing up, my brother who is nine years older than I am, was the "father" figure in the house. Many times when we were alone he sexually abused me. Needless to say I have not enjoyed father's day too much.

I am married and have two girls. I promised myself that they would not grow up without me in their life. So far I have been able to keep my word. They mean the world to me. I now get breakfast in bed on father's day. I try hard not to think of my biological father nor my brother, but it is hard not to. Father's day is tough but my children really make it better.

I hope all you dads out there get a chance to see your kids this weekend because without them, this would just be another weekend. I hope that those of you who do not have children still have a great weekend. Take out your wife/girlfriend/significant other for a great meal and treat this father's day as your own special day.

talk to ya
gords


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#34823 - 06/14/02 08:59 PM Re: Father Day Blues
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I was talking to my wife about this post tonight, and how it affected me. And she told me how much she hates mothers day.
Now I really hate the bastards !!!
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34824 - 06/15/02 09:35 PM Re: Father Day Blues
Redsongbird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/01
Posts: 209
Hello everyone. Wow, this sure seems to be a good topic. I am so sorry that there are others for whom this Father's Day is tough. And to those who do have children...geez hold them and tell them how much you love them. That's great. I do not know what will happen tomorow. We may be going to my wife's father's church for their Father's Day Service. I really just want to stay home, curl up and read a good book or something. It has been a while since I posted on here but once again you all have really helped out.

Terry


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#34825 - 06/16/02 12:16 AM Re: Father Day Blues
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Terry, I too lost my dad I was 12 years old, I too live in Michigan, about 25 min south of Battle Creek. I too have a hard time around Father's Day. I too teach! email me if you want

not sure what part of the state you are in!!!!!!

mkullik@core.com

take, care

Plus my birthday sometimes falls on Father's Day
not sure if that makes it better or worse, I think it just makes me more aware of it.

Anyway take care,

Michael Joseph

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#34826 - 06/16/02 12:57 AM Re: Father Day Blues
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Maybe that is why my anger level and anxiety has increased... be glad when I hear the advertisements stop on TV... they just really get to me.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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