I find myself in the current day - not the past - telling my truth with some anxiety. The anxiety is because I am truly "coming out" as a straight man which is a change. I did come out as a gay man 20 years ago and have maintained that identity here at MS until recently. I feel a need to express the truth to you all my dear brothers who have watched and supported my journey.

I thank the young men here for being open and discussing their truths as I am NOW in a "place" where I am listening to you and my own being. I thank the many men who have been here with me as we have discussed issues such as father hunger, being married, having children, male intimacy, spirituality, being little boys-inner child, etc.

I have been "apart" of some challenging times here especially when I was writing here under the name of DJsport.

I have been forcing myself to be apart of a life I thought I had NO choice in. I am being methodical as I approach "MY" truth.

I do see women as being attractive. I remember as a teen being with a couple of girls romantically. I married a wonderful woman whom I had children with. Intimately,

Why now you might be asking? After 3.5 years of recovery/therapy, I no longer am "searching for validation of my sexuality from men. I was NOT able to "decipher" my triggers 20 years ago as I was so fearful.

I have looked at several issues in hindsight back 20 years ago. Thanks to a wonderful brother here - 2 nights ago I was able to clearly state to him the following.

1. I ran from intimacy with Rhonda - my ex-wife.

2. I ran from the hurting boy inside me who could see myself in my kids. This is HUGE to recognize.

3. I ran from "screaming" woman who was Rhonda in body (she had reason to question my desires - I don't blame Rhonda) but more importantly the screaming woman was my mother who told me as I came out to her - I never liked Rhonda.

4. I ran into sexual assaults. I both loathed myself and wanted others to assault the loathsome me. I have "given" men the power to determine my sexuality.

This is my truth - NOT pointing the fingers at anyone or any issue.

Peace,
Donnie aka DJ

hey, i think what you wrote is great news. :-) i applaud your self exploration and self discovery and i read your post as really a big relief, no?

What a huge struggle this must have been for you. I am glad that you feel you have reached a resolution. It can't have been an easy process. As a gay man and a survivor I admit that I find this quite challenging on a personal level. The whole issue of SSA is something I have a hard time getting my head around. Despite your struggle I thank you Donnie for respecting and caring about others in this GBT section. Not everyone approaches the SSA issue with the level of mindfulness that you have displayed and I respect you for that. I wish you well as you continue on your journey.

I usually think in black and white and as usual I did when posting this thread.

Deep Breaths!!!

Donnie

Hey Guys,

This topic made me think of several things. After I came to this site right after the SA ended, I was so confused if I was gay, straight, bi or whatever. I had a therapist say what he thought etc, and I just went crazy trying to figure it all out. After awhile I just came to the realization that , to me, it really didn't matter anyway. I am just me and different from every other person so it really didn't matter all that much. I do identify as being gay, but then I am not in a relationship, or even having sex anyway, so I don't care I guess. This is just how I choose to deal with that issue and in no way do I think others should be like I am. Well that was my jabber about this. Thanks for letting me talk.

David