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#347731 - 12/10/10 10:11 AM Frustrations
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
I’m frustrated and smarting a little over the thread “Suppressed Memories”. My discomfort does not change the fact that the difficulty, frustrations and pain caused to our loved ones by the sexual assaults perpetrated against us is real and needs to be discussed openly. The trick is to do so in a manner that is open and inquisitive and to respond in way that is equally as open and inquisitive. (here is where sometimes I struggle)


I’ve learned a great deal from following the F&F’s threads. It has helped me in strenghting an already wonderful relationship I have with my wife. Many times I’ll read something a spouse, partner or friend says and then approach my wife and ask if these are things she’s struggled with and if so what is it we need to do to resolve it. Even though the “Suppressed Memories” thread was uncomfortable at best - for I felt unfairly judge and my marraige discounted for not telling my wife prior to marrying her, it is something that can and should be discussed. (Discussed, not scolded or told) As much as that thread hurt it did become a productive topic of conversation with my wife. Tears were shed and we are even closer than before. So even in that thread which I felt had completely gone sideways I came away from it closer to the woman I love.

I guess what I’m trying to say is I don’t want any F&F’s “any” to feel they should not express themselves or feel what they say falls on deaf ears. Many – most – of us here listen and take bits and pieces of your thoughts, struggles, and pain and try to grow.




Edited by earlybird (12/10/10 10:15 AM)
_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#347735 - 12/10/10 10:25 AM Re: Frustrations [Re: earlybird]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I celebrate your ability to process and stabilize, Earlybird.

Supporting your wife in this "new balance" is empathy and love, personified, well done.

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#347737 - 12/10/10 10:32 AM Re: Frustrations [Re: SamV]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Earlybird,

I read your posts and take in the goodness you have for you and your wife. I agree with you.

I am divorced and single but follow your example. NOTHING but you my friend.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#347738 - 12/10/10 10:41 AM Re: Frustrations [Re: SamV]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
Earlybird,

I have met many F&F here and in chat...I think I can say without patting myself on the back that maybe I have helped a few and their spouses, move forward in thier road to recovery

As a brother I respect your opinion and the fact that you can find some good and useful info from some threads that maybe we find offensive or upsetting.

I am not a religious man and quite the opposite, and I have many survivor friend here and IRL who are religious people. I often times dont talk about my religious feeling here even when it pops up outside of the spiritual forum or in chat..so as I dont upset my friends...and we can have difference of oppinions.

However, BIG however,

As an active person on this site...I wil speak my mind and let some know when they have crossd my line of decency and the mission of what US MEN are doing here.

I too have worked very hard to make my relationship with my wife the best its ever been, but I will not allow people to come her spew garbage and sit and take it.

Beside peronally being offended by some, the greter issue I see is other F&F memebers coming here and reading somethings and taking the wrong messages away..and maybe even perpetuating them. Especially now with links from some major outlets...the wrong messages hurt us all and the cause greatly.

I hear ya...but I will speak my mind..and I hope other do too.

I would suggest to some F&F to really think about what they post here...and possibly this might not be the right place for everybody and for all views...plenty of places on the web or create your own. Or at the very least DO SOME REASERCH, read the books ect. before you post...and then get mad when people check you on what your saying.

For too long our voices were taken from us....No longer.

MY .02

H

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#347739 - 12/10/10 10:52 AM Re: Frustrations [Re: Castle]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Thanks guys for your support.

Castle,
you are absolutely right and you will get no push back on me over the need to respond and maybe even bite back at times. But I had an F&F whom I close with express concerns. So in a way in my attempt to address this I miss-stepped once again.

I was dealing with my anger over the issue and trying to find a level flight pattern. Gain something good out of something that was so very wrong. Learn. Please, I hope I can be clear on this - I never want to suggest that we not defend ourselves from those who wish to cause us harm. The tough part is knowing who “those” people are. I’m too easily influenced by my past to not have to stop from time to time and challenge myself.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#347741 - 12/10/10 10:58 AM Re: Frustrations [Re: earlybird]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 730
Loc: NJ
bird....we have no issues..we are fighting the same fight...and you have my support always...as do most survivors.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#347742 - 12/10/10 11:00 AM Re: Frustrations [Re: Castle]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
smile

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#347743 - 12/10/10 11:03 AM Re: Frustrations [Re: earlybird]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1331
Loc: kansas
earl,

we've been friends for a while now... i'm truly glad you were able to find some good out of a bad situation... that shows, to me, signs of growth, progress and healing....

i'm also glad that you were able to see harris' points that he made and agreed that we have been silenced too long and we shouldn't be attacked in the ways we have been here lately in these threads... thanks for still supporting us brothers too. it's greatly appreciated...

harris,

thanks also for sticking up for us. i, for one, am glad that you are there to help other men who don't have their voices yet. i agree with you that these people need to be educated more. i feel they should open their ears a little more and listen to what we are saying and learn about us more before spouting off. i understand that they have issues too and we would get the same treatment if we dismissed their thoughts, feelings and so on.

_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#347744 - 12/10/10 11:06 AM Re: Frustrations [Re: earlybird]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
"Experience is the thing of supreme value in life."

I long for hearing people's direct experience-when they engage is theory, oughts, shoulds, etc., that tells me they have nothing to really offer.

Men you like you, Earlybird, are examples that show me owning the past and our feelings and not having secrets in our lives is the foundation for a better life.

And that with growth comes challenge, effort, and pain sometimes.

See those wings spread!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#347839 - 12/11/10 02:05 PM Re: Frustrations [Re: Mountainous Buck]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Thanks for being so willing to talk about these things with your wife, Earlybird. I think it's great that you keep an open mind about HER hurt and not just yours. As I posted on the supressed memories thread, or whatever it was called, there needs to be more understanding in relationships. We need to listen to survivors more, but that does not mean we do not have pain. So both sides need understanding, not just one. Thanks for being courageous and posting how you work through these things in your own life!


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