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#34769 - 04/03/05 04:35 AM Curious*triggers*
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
How does being SA by one person and multiple predaotrs differ? I was thinking about this earlier and I'm not sure where to put this so I put it here. How do they know they can do that to you? How do they know who to hurt and who not to? I'm so confused about this and its just messing with my mind right now. Did I wear a giant sign, did we wear a giant sigh that told them to hurt us?

sorry for the triggers


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#34770 - 04/03/05 04:45 AM Re: Curious*triggers*
Mark R. Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 28
Loc: Santa Cruz, CA
Good Question;

I don't know, but I think it is due to a number of factors. We have weakened parameters for our personal boundaries. What in fact are appropriate boundaries? As an SA child, the boundaries become blurred between adult and child, between appropriate and inappropriate, and we are ourselves more prone to being abused. I don't think there is any difference between SA and children of alcoholics. Our view or reality is distorted. Children of alcoholics don't know any different than do children who have been SA. For us, that is how we interact with others.

Any other ideas?

_________________________
In others we find strength to face our monster, in helping others we can become the giant that defeats the monsters.

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#34771 - 04/03/05 01:54 PM Re: Curious*triggers*
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Mark seems to be on the right path, the distortion of boundaries, distortion of normative behaviour, that is normally learned in childhood.

I think also, that a child may exhibit signs of acting out, even without knowing he is doing it, looking for attention, and finding the wrong type of attention.

Predators, can easily pick you out on their "radar", and they will go to great lengths to get what they want, you are less powerful than them, and you are weakened by things of the past.

The more confidence you have, the less they will think of doing these things, but that is only an opinion.

There must be many factors to it,

a good thread,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#34773 - 04/03/05 08:23 PM Re: Curious*triggers*
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Lostone - when I was a child, I believed that adults only ever told the truth. We were always told not to lie about anything and not to do anything that we would need to lie about.

When an adult groomed me, I believed it when I was told that everyone did those things, that no one ever talked about it.

I suppose I was 'lucky' in that I only had one abuser - that may have been different if I had not ended it becuase it had dawned on me that he was lying.

By then I had done something that I needed to lie about - the sad thing is that I only lied to myself. I never told anyone else for decades.

I don't think that we have signs on our heads - my abuser was an opportunist at a time in my life when I was looking for a friend. He was an adult of 32 - I was 12.

What amazes me is that I now think he had a sign over his head for years saying 'kiddy fiddler' - I'm just upset now because I don't know how many other kids 'had signs over their heads' after me.

At least I'm putting a stop to him now!

Best wishes & don't beat yourself up...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#34774 - 04/04/05 04:21 AM Re: Curious*triggers*
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Lostone,

I wonder about this exact thing at least once a week. I was sexually abused from 8-12 yrs old. I thought it was over and then I was abused again at 16 yrs old. I thought I had my life on the right track, but evidently I had this "Abuse Me" sign pasted to my back. The freaks just know. Like wolves after prey.


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#34775 - 04/04/05 02:36 PM Re: Curious*triggers*
Moving on Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/31/05
Posts: 5
Loc: Maryland
When I think of my abuser, a captain, the flight surgeon on the Nimitz aircraft carrier, I think of a man who was a simple, single minded predator who sensed need in younger people, need and loneliness. Further, I think he sensed an endless valley of devotion for anyone who'd show me some kindness, even to the point of allowing him to assault me. It's pathetic, really, how easily it happens, but it is also a lesson in parenthood. We must not alienate our kids, must know the signs and recognize the people, because I too believe that sexual predators are somehow easy to spot, so much so that I know some of the signs and have a radar, too. It's strange, though, right now I can't even watch The Jungle Book movie with my son for being sickened by the God damn bear. It's funny what all this does to you, but I don't think you wear any sort of talisman other then a great trust and an absolute need to be parented...


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#34776 - 04/04/05 02:49 PM Re: Curious*triggers*
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
well, i just had the one, so i can't really say much. i do feel abusers have a sixth sense for it. i think they can spot the confused, isolated acting kid that they prey on. they kind of get a profile of the type who will keep quiet, and they seek them out.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#34777 - 04/04/05 03:36 PM Re: Curious*triggers*
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
lostone,

Thanks for starting this thread. It is a good one. First off, I think glaukos got it right by saying that we need to reframe the question. It is not about what was wrong with us. It is not wrong to be shy, lonely or to want attention. However, perps exploit those natural needs for their own selfish desires. I think reality2k4 also made a good point about our distorted boundaries and lessened confidence. When we are starved for poitive attention it is easy for the predator to manipulate us and use us. The guys made some other good points by noting that perps can sense us or spot us because we were vulnerable in some way, whether it be shyness, respect for authority, lack of confidence or some other reason. They use these traits against us. They can appeal to the logic of an obedient child by saying they are an adult and the child should obey. A shy child can be manipulated through a little positive attention and praise. Afterall, what is one little secret when an adult is treating you with respect and kindness?


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#34778 - 04/04/05 04:02 PM Re: Curious*triggers*
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I think it's being in the wrong place at the wrong time. From what I understand, perps will SA both boys and girls, and although we feel like we're the only victim of this particular creep, they usually SA many, many kids. I know. It's sick. I like to think my perp only hurt me, but he probably did the same to who knows how many other kids.

Was I especially vulnerable? I don't know. He was home alone with a kid, and that kid happened to be me. I'm with the younger crowd on this question. It's about power and fear. No matter how "confident" I could have been in an alternate reality, this guy was huge, and I was just a little kid. What am I going to do? Scare him off? And yeah, maybe we did need friends, but so do "confident" kids. I like the word Rick used, "opportunist".
Quote:
It is not about what was wrong with us. It is not wrong to be shy, lonely or to want attention. However, perps exploit those natural needs for their own selfish desires.
Exactly. Why would we have needed to change anything about us? It's about perps. And maybe what prompted my perp wouldn't have prompted yours. They're sickos with a need for power and control. We can't put such a heavy responsibility on a boy to keep those away by becoming something he's not.

It wasn't your fault. Please believe that.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#34779 - 04/06/05 03:45 AM Re: Curious*triggers*
Splitting Offline
Member

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
I am new here. I will not repeat my story. I posted Existing in The Abyss.

There are some of us that were in the wrong place at the wrong time. Regretfully it is a small percentage. The majority of us were abused by people who knew us. That knew that our family life was usually dysfunctional. Knew how to both make us feel useless and make us trust them. Then they take advantage of us.

Depending on many factors, we survivors actually have internal programming dictated by the abuse. When ever a certain set of conditions exist our brain reverts back to the time of our original abuse and we behave as that child that only knows how to accept the abuse. The sickos know this. They know the questions to ask to determine our states of mind. They know the buttons to push. How, 90 percent of the were SA'ed themselves. Experience has been a great teacher for them.

Now if I can just start having some feeling other than self disgust I might start enjoying life.


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