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#34739 - 11/17/03 01:35 AM how do I deal with my anger and MY DESIRE FOR REVENGE
Clark Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/03
Posts: 3
Loc: PA
I want revenge I want it so bad I can taste it.
I hate my mother for what she did, I am angry all the time and I wish I could satisfy my craving for revenge, but I know Its not legal. I am so lost and confused. I want to heal, but i feel like nothing short of hurting her will help? I am scared that I will never find peace. My girlfriend wants to help me to heal but I don't think she really understands what happened to me.
What can I do to circumvent this rage I feel all the time? Please don't tell me angermanagement.


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#34740 - 11/17/03 08:57 AM Re: how do I deal with my anger and MY DESIRE FOR REVENGE
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Welcome Clark:

Anger. Oh I know all about anger. I raged at the world, at those I love the most, at my superiors, at my perps and anyone else who happened to be handy. Funny thing though I directed all that anger at all the wrong people except the perps and one other asshole I wont mention (in my story) but I directed the anger inward and that affected everthing I did and thought. My behavior was much like Mount Etna in Italy placid until I blew up. And I blew up a lot.

Now I cannot begin to fathom the depth of your anger and the sense of betrayal because of who I presume your perp was (mother).

But I can offer my take on anger. Anger was for me self defeating, it led me into harms way, it caused me to become isolated from others, those I love and made me out to be somewhat less than pleasant to be around. I think that the anger started downwards when I accepted what happened and that it was not my fault and never will be.

Then I sought help because I had put myself in harms way a lot by my behaviours ( suicide, prostitution, re-enacting the abuse and a host of ther shit. I now have two great doctors, my family of brothers at MS ORG and medication is helping to control the anger and deal with it.
And dealing with it I am.

I am not mad but I am sure doing my part to get even. Not with my perps ( dont know who or where they are now) but at any perp, anywhere and in any time. I want to be a part of this brotherhood that will root out this evil anywhere and bring them to justice in whatever form that takes except where that justice would put us in harms way. For example someone who is still fragile and cannot deal with the obvious attention they would generate or someone who attempts to take justice into their own hands. I will not do that. I do it in a way that conforms to my sense of values and beliefs. Much as I would dearly like to strangle someone I refuse. Because then I descend to their level and I am a whole lot better than that.

Now I do not know if this is the kind of thing you were expecting in reply but is is a genuine expression of my thoughts and beliefs.

Heal with us My Brother.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#34741 - 11/17/03 07:24 PM Re: how do I deal with my anger and MY DESIRE FOR REVENGE
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Clark,

I know from revenge. Some days, I am obsessed with it. If I knew where my abuser was, I probably would kill him. Then again, maybe not. I agree that it is self-destructive, but I understand you. It cannot be helped on occasion.

The best thing I can say is that you need to be better than your abuser. belive me, I know what you're thinking: "HOW THE HELL CAN YOU SAY THAT?!?!" I cannot imagine how angry you are. I only know how angry I am (ask anyone who's been here for a while about me. They'll tell you!). I really want to get even, but really, what will that do? Take away the hurt? Boy, I wish! There is NOTHING that can take away my pain. Balance the scorecard? Nope. After what we've suffered, nothing will even come close. Bring him to justice? What's justice? Justice would be me seeing his worthless @$$ tossed into Hell for all eternity. It sounds very un-Christian, but that's the ONLY thing I'm looking forward to on Judgment Day.

You have to ask yourself that same question, Clark. What would getting even do for me? I keep remembering a line from the movie "Batman Forever," of all things. Robin wants to kill Two-Face, and Batman spells out for him what that would cost. I can't remember how the line went, exactly, but something like this: "So let's say you kill him. But that doesn't take the pain away, so you kill another just like him. But that doesn't take the pain away, so you kill another, and another, and another, until you look in the mirror and realize you've become just like what you sought to kill."

These people, these perps, these scumbags, they are not worth one-tenth the effort we put into getting even with. They aren't worth the cost of going to jail. They aren't even worth the thoughts we have about them. We HAVE to be better than them. We have to put our energies into healing ourselves, Clark, and helping others who hurt. We have to help keep kids like us, adults like us, from being victims too.

We are better than they are. We can make the choice. We can heal with the open hand rather than hurt with the closed fist.

Clark, I feel for you and I hope you can listen to what we have to say. There's a lot of wisdom here. Sometimes, it's all we can do, listen. Please listen. Please reach out.

I love you, bro. I care. No strings attached.

Peace, love, and healing,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#34742 - 11/17/03 08:12 PM Re: how do I deal with my anger and MY DESIRE FOR REVENGE
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Clark
I think it was Winston Churchill who said that "revenge is a dish best served cold"

And I think he makes sense.
Let your heat die down some, and then look at revenge again.

My view is that the best revenge is our healing and becoming so much better people than they are, and then showing them that.

We need all our energy to heal ourselves, revenge takes a lot of energy.
But don't dismiss it, it's a powerful emotion - maybe just use it differently.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34743 - 11/19/03 12:37 AM Re: how do I deal with my anger and MY DESIRE FOR REVENGE
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Clark, I am really saddened to hear that your Mother abused you. That has to be a very special wound to the heart.

You are a specialist in rehabilitation. You help people get as much use as they can out of some injured or damaged part of the body. I have oftne used people who do what you do. I admire and appreciate what you do.

I suspect that you could use some of the psychology of rehabilitation to help yourself get the peace, as well as the self respect you once had.

Try to see what might be good or bad in what I am going to write here now:

If my mother abused me and was still living, and I wanted some revenge, I would ask myself what it is that I really want from getting the revenge. I would ask myself some questions like these:

Do I want her arrested?
Do I want her humiliated?
Do I want her committed for psychiatirc treatment?
Do I want the rest of the family to hate her?
Do I want people to see and treat her as a perverted bitch?
Do I want to feel that she feels lots of the hurt I feel?
Do I want her to understand what her betrayal has done to me?
Do I just want to have the pleasure of letting her know she has not gotten by with it?
Do I want to have a good relationship with her?
Do I want to feel "done with it all"?
Do I want to stop hurting?
Do I want to feel some real serenity?
Do I want reassurance that I am OK, even if she isn't?

Get the drift. I am wordy, so I could probably go on for twenty or more additional things.

You have a right to be as argry as hell. You have a right to be hurt, feel betrayed and violated, abandoned, cheated of the special mother-son relationship most guys have with their Mom. You have a right to be afraid of some of your thoughts and feelings. And finally, you have the right to forget you ever read a word of this.

My hope for you is that you can enjoy life, enjoy your girl friend and your guy friends, and basically wake up each morning with a certain zest for life.

Like Dave mentioned, being a healthy, happy and successful man is marvelous revenge towards any one who has wished us ill or harmed us.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#34744 - 11/19/03 08:06 PM Re: how do I deal with my anger and MY DESIRE FOR REVENGE
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
Clark,

My psychiatrist told me that rage/anger is a defense against grief and/or fear. I carried a shitload of anger for decades and took it out on whoever I thought crossed me and even on those who were accidentally in the line of fire. It was only after I had experienced the intense pain of the grief for the neglect, the abandonment, and abusive punishment and after I had wept a Mississippi River full of tears, that the anger -- the tidal wave of rage -- receded. All that's left is sadness over a maternal relationship that failed before it started and a determination not to perpetuate it another generation. I hope this helps.

Mary

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

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#34745 - 11/19/03 11:06 PM Re: how do I deal with my anger and MY DESIRE FOR REVENGE
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Clark,

The best thing to do before going out seeking revenge, is to take care of yourself. Do what you need to do to begin healing all those wounds, and releasing the rage.

There will be a day that comes when your mother will receive all she deserves. Someday she will meet her maker.

The best revenge you could put upon her is to be well, be well-adjusted, be independant and most of all be happy. Show her what a failure she was and let her torment herself.

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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