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#347142 - 12/05/10 11:13 AM Harming Another
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Sometime after the assault I developed a fear of getting so out of control that I would harm another. I have been afraid I would lose control and physically hurt another person. While in the first hospital we did an emotional outdoor excersise on one of the lower elements of the ropes course. I was very angry because something about it was very triggering for me. I was my typical non-cooperating self and after it was over I was the first to head back for the hospital building. One of the therapists caught up to my and offered to talk. During the excersise I had taken her hand and intentioanally squeezed it to the point of making her wince.

On another day we were playing volleyball in the gym. I was particularly aggressive that day and during one play I came down on a young therapist. She had recently had her jaw broken in a car accident and thought I had broke it again.

In these twenty years I have never really harmed anyone physically except for the things like I listed above. But I live with that fear often. That what I feel on the inside will come out in a violent way towards another.

_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#347147 - 12/05/10 11:33 AM Re: Harming Another [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Daryl,

Ten months ago you reached out to me when I was new on MS. Youve shown me only love and compassion even at moments I was raging and pushed some of the guys away. Im not trying to take away from your message only letting you know the Daryl I know.

I think talking about the displaced anger is important. I too, would lash out at people I viewed as a threat. I would sit in complete remorse afterwards not understanding where this feeling of hate was coming from. I was unfamiliar with hating anything or one so it felt as if I had a foreign intruder that would wrestle for the controls when I felt even the slightest threat or the feelings of loss of control.

Thank you Daryl, for bringing this subject up. You are a friend I put my complete trust in. Earlybird

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#347154 - 12/05/10 01:10 PM Re: Harming Another [Re: prisonerID]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: prisonerID
I feel on the inside will come out in a violent way towards another.


Daryl,

I understand this fear. I have been able to reduce this fear in several ways. First, I wanted to say your reaching out to me a year ago when I came to "remember" my own adult sexual assault you were there for me. This "act" of kindness was very welcome and blew a hole in the rage I was holding onto for those guys who took advantage of me. Not only did my rage start to disappear but the admiration and respect I have for others began to grow once again.

Your a good man, Daryl.

Your friend,
Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#347332 - 12/06/10 07:53 PM Re: Harming Another [Re: Avery46]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Earl and Donnie,

Thank you for your kind words or support.





Edited by prisonerID (12/06/10 07:58 PM)
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#347371 - 12/07/10 09:59 AM Re: Harming Another [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
This is a great post Daryl and I want to add a little more to it.

You thanked me and others for our support. Of course I want to return that thanks but with an addition or maybe this is more like a request.

Support is good and I want to be a person of support for you Daryl and others as well. But support alone is not what I need or want. Daryl, you and couple of other men here on MS, have challenged me both on PMs and posts when my anger was showing through. Some confronted me with their own anger, which was understandable, others queried me using kindness and gentleness to nudge me and encourage me to rethink my style of communication. Asking:

Earlybird, which message are you wanting to get across to others Im here to heal or to fight?

These inquires, both the ones with anger and the ones with tenderness, reached deep into me and help defuse some of this anxiety I carried.

Daryl, your post forced me to stop a moment and revisit the past ten months of my participations, my withdrawing and then reentries to the forums on MaleSurvivor. The journey has been intense and Ive felt moments of rage I had long thought gone. But my soul is quieter now because of those men who chose to engage, either in deserved hostile response or warm embrace recognizing that my anger was borne out of rape and needed to be placed in the open so as to quell it.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

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#347374 - 12/07/10 10:33 AM Re: Harming Another [Re: earlybird]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5942
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I aspire, Earlybird, to your level of acceptance.

Daryl, I do enjoy our heartfelt communications and mutual support.
I have recently been included in a process that allows me to safely express, verbally and physically, internal anger. It was so cathartic, so freeing, I am beginning to understand the parameters of my expressive abilities, Daryl, I hope you to will be able to avail yourself of this experience. It was during the http://mankindproject.org/new-warrior-training-adventure weekend.

To the men here on MS, we all struggle with appropriate access, sharing and community. Let us use the example of the solidarity here to heal us, and strengthen our brothers.

We, those who have come before, and those yet coming to this resource, have an persistent and empathetic communal intelligence here to assist them in what may arise in their progress.

You are such a resource, and wonderful.

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#347399 - 12/07/10 03:14 PM Re: Harming Another [Re: SamV]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
You treiggered a memory for me. Thanks

I was full of rage as a boy before the ECT. I remember being told to stop it it or it would kill me. The lady who sort of rescued me taught me to use that anger as fuel for my drive.
I know I was souless and lifeless until sometime after 14 years old once they ECT'd me. I see now it was the anger that is the first memory thing that started to poke its head out way back then. I have been told all my life how I was so angry but I never saw or felt it unless I was, well angry.
I see now my fear of fighting was based on the same thing, I was afraid I'd kill somoene. I feared imprisonment because of the imprisonment as a child in the shelter but of course I didn't know that, so I assumed everyone was right when they said I was a coward. Even though I was the only one who showed no fear whenever the thing didn't risk hurting someone else I never got credit fo it.
Anyway Thanks for that.

Its weird how I was angry all my life and it never progressed into recall until I was 47 when that woman took advantage of my trust and manipulated and abused me mentally so badly I thougth I had lost my mind. I'd been screwed over by women all my life but I see now I never really trusted them so that is why they never hurt me bad enough to crack it open. She was the first one I actually trusted at that visceral level. Man what a good con artist she was.



Edited by kidneythis (12/07/10 03:17 PM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#347407 - 12/07/10 04:32 PM Re: Harming Another [Re: prisonerID]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I very rarely lost my temper before my sexual assault. yes, I did get angry, like any typical man. However, when I was particularly irked or angry, I didn't shout. Rather, I lowered my voice, deep and strong, and spoke in a way where others had to strain to hear me. I later learned, as I prepared for a career teaching high school, that it is a good way to get others' attention. It used to be. My students knew they were being scolded when my voice got low like that.

Today, my wife & I had an argument. Often when we have a disagreement, I am usually the calm, rational one and she is the one that gets emotional and loses her composure. This time, I shouted at her, I screamed, I used whatever strength I had to push her away. It wasn't the first time, but this never happened before the assault. It just wasn't my style to raise my voice, especially at a lady, much less my wife, no matter how much she annoys me sometimes.

Inside me is this overwhelming desire to FIGHT BACK and scream STOP. But why would I direct it at someone I love? I don't know.

Daryl, 20 years of not harming anyone physically is a pretty good track record. After 20 years, do you really think anything is going to change? That's not to say that you shouldn't take measures to maintain control over your temper and to let your anger out in constructive ways, but you shouldn't have to live with the fear that your temperament will radically change on you.

_________________________
If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.

- Saint John of the Cross

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#347778 - 12/10/10 04:33 PM Re: Harming Another [Re: CruxFidelis]
earlybird Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/10
Posts: 1007
Loc: WA USA
Daryl

again thanks for starting this thread.

I was guilty of harming as well. Not with fist or elbows to the eye socket. I used religious dogmas and biblical words as my choice of weaponry. Im not attacking Christianity or any ones beliefs. Im speaking specifically to my behavior not faith.

I became very committed to my faith. (Im not specifying which denomination and whether it was Conservative or Liberal Evangelical or Pentecostal. That is not the point) what Im attempting to say is I was aggressive with my faith. I used it to protect myself and in the process I hurt others.

In my heart I thought I was being loving and helpful to others by pointing out their lack of faith or errors in belief. And on the surface, there may not be anything wrong with asking people to rethink or in challenging others who are open concerning what they believe. But my posture was grown out of being raped and it carried all the intensity shown me that night. All I know, is I was wrong and Ive worked very hard to abort this fetus of hate that laid ever so quietly in my belly and just waited there to come out and injure people under the guise of Christian love.

I want to end again stating this is not about anyones faith or God this is about where I was many years ago and how - even with something as healthy as a belief in God - especially when sexual abuse is incurred, can be used to injure.

_________________________
Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

Top
#347798 - 12/10/10 09:44 PM Re: Harming Another [Re: earlybird]
CruxFidelis Offline


Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ
I understand what you mean, Earl.

It is one thing to love God with all your heart, and to have strong convictions and a devotion to certain theological paradigms, but it is another to share those convictions in such a way that is completely devoid of tact.

You spoke of those behaviors in the past tense. Now, look how far you've come. While I don't agree with you re: the existence of God, we have become friends and are able to meet each other halfway. That speaks volumes about all the progress you've made as a rape survivor and as a human being. Maybe you could show the Israeli people and the Palestinians a thing or two wink

_________________________
If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.

- Saint John of the Cross

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