Hi,

I'm new to this site.
I am really struggling and was surprised to see how many people here seem to be going through what i am going through.

This weekend has been especially bad...I don't know if this is a TRIGGER as i'm not quite sure what that is.

My partner of 8 years has been lying and cheating for 8 years. I have been faithful and thought we were in a 100% committed relationship; we had discussed marriage, where we would live and what we would name our children. I found out a few months ago (via a friend)that he was sleeping around (with women) and the shock resulted in a miscarriage. We have both struggled massively since.
My partner has struggled with explaining his behaviour. He has had several flashbacks from incidents in his childhood. They range from a camp counsellor (male) touching him (age 7-8) and an ex-teacher (male) in his bed trying to undress him (age 16-17).
This weekend i have had a lot of memories of my own childhood abuse...which are all more extensive then ever before. I had thought that i had processed this many years ago and had 'mentally' drawn a line under it.

I don't know what to do. I am seeing a psychologist weekly at the hospital. And my partner has had weekly counselling since everything came out. But there seems to be no end to this nightmare. After a few months of sheer anger and rage we are trying to be friends and try to support each other. My counsellor thinks this is not the healthiest option but I feel it might be the only thing that also helps me.I do worry alot about him...he has been my best friend for such a long time. I feel scared when he says he can't cope with what he has done to me and the miscarriage and that he is a monster.
I really want to believe that things will be ok. But i can't see how that can ever be. Both of us have been hurt by members of our families from a young age. One of his parents used to be part of a cult (briefly) and he is adopted. His family is built on secrets and lies. I really thought that he would be the one person that I could trust. My world is shattered. Am i being a fool in thinking that there is hope? Sometimes i don't think i can ever get over his betrayal. I have been abused by alot of people that i trusted, i vowed to myself that i would never trust anyone again, somehow i fell in love with him...but he also has abused me. Why do people keep doing this to me? Is there something wrong with me???

I know i have to be strong...i have always found it hard (and scary) to ask anyone for help. But it feels abit easier asking people that i can't see.

...thanks for listening.

Hi, Desertrose,

I am a survivor. There is hope. What tomorrow brings might from others is uncertain. BUT there is hope no matter what.

There will be others here from the F&F who will be able to speak directly to your issues.

I wanted to say there is HOPE. Also welcome to MS.

Donnie

Hi desert rose - sounds like you are waking up to some hidden truths that have been there for a long time-this is a huge shock-my wife and I have been there-

The only hope was that we both wanted to deal with all his honestly-including me separating from her and facing my behavior, multiple infidelities, sexual compulsions and history, and getting help for myself.

If your partner wants to change and reaches out for help-12'stepmgroups, support groups, therapy, books on the topic of sexual abuse and trauma-there is hope.

But you also have to take care of yourself regardless of your partner's decisions-finding healthy sense of self, facing your issues, and getting support outside the relationship from people who have been there and whomunderstand. There are tons of resources online-just type in the specific search words and start sifting thru websites.

And most importantly, reaching out to people who have been there-MS is full of those who have this direct experience to offer.
In my limited experience, there is nothing so unhelpful as "helpful"'people who don't have relevant experience-they are trying to fix things they have no knowledge of,' in order to fll some missing need they have to get enmeshed with a suffering person.

Learn to Trust your gut, seek information about how others have dealt with similar life situations, learn healthy self-care. I hope to see you around here-you will get out of this journey what you put into it.

Hello Donnie and 'Mountainous Buck'...many thanks for your replies.

I am trying. So is my partner. My partner is working through a couple of books we found online. I have just switched counsellors 3 weeks ago and i'm now making more progress (although i'm finding this much MORE painful in the short term) and aiming long-term. My partner is planning to change to a therapist with alot of experience with male survivors of csa next week. There is also a support group...but at the moment i think this thought is very daunting for him. So i have not pushed him because i know this will be counter-productive. I guess a good thing is that i have been in the same boat myself so there is some unsaid understanding between us. I never believed that i would ever find any 'good' in my csa.

At the moment, we are alittle in limbo. I feel sometimes that we are like 2 lone survivors in a massive natural catastrophe (in my head we are being thrown about in a deep dark ocean)we might not like each other at times, there are very dark moments but we talk each other through the worst parts and sometimes you just need to hear someone, anyone, say 'hang on'. We are separate but together.

More then anything I feel I have to try. Really try. After the last few traumatic months and especially thinking of the miscarriage I want to be able to dig deep and find something good can come from what has happened. I feel that is the only way I will be able to make my peace with such loss.

I am grateful to have found this discussion outlet as i don't really know anybody who understands what i am going through. I hope this can be a source of strength and support over the coming months and years. Thank you.

Much love.