Hello Hyun-Su. I'm relatively new to the site as well. I'm glad you've came so far. I relate to you speaking on pushing people away. I've had one real g/f since i came out of the abuse, and inevitably, i pushed her away as well. The circumstances for my relationship may be different from yours, but the lesson is very similiar. In the end, I don't believe I trusted her, but showing myself that I was able to be open with someone , made a huge difference in thinking about next time. Relationships are blessings and when we find ourselves in one, we should take it very seriously and be open and honest with our other half, so to speak, in finding legitimate things we can grow on. If theirs nothing, unfortunately, sometimes being alone is where we should be at that moment. I'm thankful for your presence here, I think you'll find this is a very supportive atmosphere and everyone, i know that sounds cliche, but everyone ive spoken with has been remarkable. Supporting in ways that only survivors such as ourselves could give. Reaching out is hard at first, but when you take that first step, you'll be well-recieved and everyone will give you their best. Thanks for sharing your story. God Bless.
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