I find myself settling for crumbs all the time. Was with my "girlfriend" last night and left her place feeling so lonely. she doesn't look at me in the eyes when were intimate and she kisses with these tight closed lips. it feels so empty. yet i keep going back.

my job refuses to provide a work space that is ergonomically correct. i have been fighting them on this for 8 months and just get promises. yet i don't

...yet i don't quit the job - i just keep trying to get them to fix my work environment so my back doesn't hurt all the time. if my back goes out i am out of work. if it doesn't get better i risk not being able to do a career that i love.

so i settle and take the crumbs and put my emotions and my body at risk. i am unhappy about it, feel used by her and the job and yet keep going back for more. afraid i won't be able to find another relationship or another job. but i don't look for alternatives. I just stew. pathetic, really.

so here i am bitching about my self-imposed unhappiness and yet i refuse to do anything about it. what am i getting out of this? i know the abuse contributes to my behavior. so what? knowing this doesn't change anything. i know i have to change it but i act too weak and scared. blaming it on my csa just seems like an excuse for my laziness, lack of resolve and lack of discipline.

its not that sort of lack in yourself. I do this and it seems to me its based on not knowing what is supposed to happen when I do stand up. I have often been thwarted by they other person just continueing to do the same thing even when I stand up for myself and violence is the only Idea I ever come up with. I never act on it but I never think of anything else and no one is willing to fill in the gaps whenever I've asked.
SO its maybe a lack of certainty for how it should play out when you do stand up.
You will do it BTW your posting here and knowing exactly what is bugging you is a long way toward completion of that task the on;ly step left is an actiopn that is met with a firm answer upon which you can act and point back to as reason for youir response.

I thin the job thing requires you to write your requests down in a formal way. You might even go so far as to ask the labor department for help in getting the ergonomic changes. Go to a doctor and complain about your back pain and the reason for it. Tell him how your boss won't make the changes and your back is getting worse.
Your GF? IDK about that I've never been successful with women. There was one who loved me once but I was so damaged and out of touch in my earlyu twenties I didn't seeit until I lost her. I almost died in a fight with her brother and I won! he walked away uninjured. It was ridiculous and I had no clue. I still needed to learn a lot about myself and people. I still do as I'm often perplexed as you are in how to go forward in situations that leave me feeling unfulfilled or in which I am unable to accomplish what I want to. Remember often this is because someone is actively preventing you from succeeding because they noticed you miss social cues and use that to make themse3lves feel powerful.

I wish I had more but I really think you need to go to a doctor ASAP and write something up to turn in on the start of your next shift.

Good Luck brother.