Newest Members
lilac, The Wife Of, smusab, whiteflag, North101
12287 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
cards (33), korbin2003 (39), Rosemary (53), Zebra (47)
Who's Online
1 registered (1 invisible), 25 Guests and 8 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12287 Members
73 Forums
63212 Topics
442012 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#346889 - 12/02/10 01:59 PM Sort of OT... Need Help back in the dating pool...
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hi Everyone! I've been gone for a while because my relationship with my Survivor finally ended for good. I finally realized that he needed to just "be" the way he is & that means he doesn't really WANT to heal... It was very sad & I was in mourning for a while.

Just lately, an amazing man has come into my life & is showing me the kind of attention I never really got from my Survivor: I AM FREAKING OUT!

As a rape survivor myself, I recognize that part of what held me so close to my ex is that because HIS issues seemed stronger than my own, I didn't have to look too closely at the ways that I am dysfunctional!

I am exhibiting all kinds of strange abandonment issues with my new friend - if he doesn't contact me for 24 hours I am convinced he is gone!

Also - at what point in the new relationship do I tell him about my PTSD and how that will probably impact our sex life???
I would love some of your insights!

Thanks!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#346897 - 12/02/10 03:22 PM Re: Sort of OT... Need Help back in the dating pool... [Re: kolisha54]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Has anyone ever had the experience of feeling triggered simply thinking that you might be maybe perhaps getting involved in a r.e.l.a.t.i.o.n.s.h.i.p????

With PTSD, I sometimes think my central nervous system "thinks" there is no difference between a large slobbery hungry sabertooth tiger vs. the man I am attracted to...

How can I handle this better?

I am totally distracted & hyper-ventilating.

UGH!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#346908 - 12/02/10 05:10 PM Re: Sort of OT... Need Help back in the dating pool... [Re: kolisha54]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
kolisha,

First I would like to throw out a disclaimer that in am in no way...shape or form a trained psychotherapist...these are just my thoughts coming as a survivor.

I went through a trainwreck of a marriage that lasted a gruelling 15 years...(the sick attract the sick...and this seems to apply to me and this relationship).

It was here that I decided to work on myself and take the inward journey...I like to say that..."recovery is sometimes a rough road, but there are gifts along the way"...I took a few years off during this time...and took my T's advise...which was a regimen of friend building...that led to practice dating...

In my travels I found a few books that helped me immensely..."The Easy Does it Dating Guide" and "The Easy Does it Relationship Guide" available at hazelden.org

Eventually, I got to a point where I didn't need anybody to fix me...I could take care of myself...and ironically at this point it was when I could have. (a relationship).

There is a post around here somewhere...where I was totally freaking out...I had convinced myself that even though I was comfortable in my own skin...nobody would want a strange cat such as I...It took me some time but eventually i came to realize that...I couldn't have been further from the truth and it seems my adrogenous traits seem to be highly desirable.

I don't have abandonment issues...but if i did...I would either work through them with a T ~or~ with my sponsor...(I am an alcoholic).
I think in a pinch if I were you...I would try and find a healthy and trusted girlfriend.

I don't have any easy answers but believe the best time to talk to somebody about how PTSD affects your sex life is before you have sex. (I am not talking about in the bedroom...but way before that).

I believe that finding the right person to share your life with is in no way to be compared to that of being in a race...finding the right person takes time...(it's in the book).

Being that I am in the program...I try to be open,honest and willing in all my affairs...(facets of my life).

I am blessed...to have a significant other that loves me for exactly who I am...does not keep score...and has an overall personna of living that exemplifies..."the deal is that there are no big deals...

You deserve to find a person that will help you to find the truth that..."The best revenge is living a good life."

Take care of yourself.


Sombody's Out There (Triumph)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

Top
#346949 - 12/03/10 05:16 AM Re: Sort of OT... Need Help back in the dating pool... [Re: 1islandboy]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks, Island! You are giving me hope...

However, I think the reason I was freaking out is simply because this particular person is not the one for me. We got to the point of trying to set a date for our first date & I haven't heard from him in 2 days. This was all done through e-mail & I have seen him posting all kinds of things on Facebook, so he is obviously making a choice not to pursue me.

This reminds me faaaaaaaarrrrrr too much of life with my Survivor. I just cannot go through this again, especially so soon after.

I am done making excuses for people who don't value me enough to let me know I'm important.

Thanks for your kindness!!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#347318 - 12/06/10 05:00 PM Re: Sort of OT... Need Help back in the dating pool... [Re: kolisha54]
SeekingStrength Offline


Registered: 11/18/10
Posts: 16
Hi Kolisha

I dont have much information on your background, or your past relationship, or even how long you have known the new man etc.....but as a woman giving advice to another woman, your own CSA aside, its tough being involved with a CSA survivor, and I think you may need to give yourself time to heal from that first, before throwing yourself back into the dating game.

A very wise girlfriend of mine once told another friend of mine "Girl, if a man REALLY wants to set up a date with you, or get a number, etc...he will go out of his way to do it...unless he gets a firm no (OK...there are stalkers, but we are not talking about THEM:-))...you should hear from him. They dont make you wait, unless you are not the first option".

Of course, it doesnt apply to every situation, but generally speaking, this advice has always rung true for me!

Good luck, and take care of yourself!

_________________________
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".

Top
#347377 - 12/07/10 11:23 AM Re: Sort of OT... Need Help back in the dating pool... [Re: SeekingStrength]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Thanks!!!!

But what really happened was.... either HE didn't get MY e-mail OR I didn't get his response...

All that posting on FB was apparently designed to make sure he got my attention because he'd thought I was blowing him off!

He sent me an invite to an event tonight & tried to make it look real nonchalant, but what he was really doing was "fishing" to see if I would respond. When I DID respond, we eventually figured out what had happened with the e-mail mix up.

So.

I will see him tonight, but I am pretty sad & amazed at how deep the abandonment issues are within me: not only was I left for dead 3 times during the violence that was done to me, but I spent soooo many years re-enacting that abandonment by being involved with a Survivor. Looking at this rationally, why WOULDN'T the idea of letting someone close to me freak me out????

I guess I've also forgotten that "Normals" can be vulnerable, too. My new Friend also feels reluctant to expose HIMself to potential rejection by ME, but it takes a huge jump of empathy on my part to try to remember that. As a Survivor myself, I can never really bring myself to comprehend that anyone outside of our Trauma Tribe could ever experience a similar kind of turmoil when thinking about starting a new relationship.

Thanks soooo much for your response!!! It is unbelievably wonderful to feel HEARD!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top
#347447 - 12/08/10 08:16 AM Re: Sort of OT... Need Help back in the dating pool... [Re: kolisha54]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1936
Loc: durham, north england
Hi kolisha,


We've talked abou the hole relationship thing before, and once again I'm really surprised to note something we have in common, a nervous system that can't tell the difference betwene a threat and someone your attracted to to the point where being touched unexpectedly in a quite inicent or friendly way feels like a slap (heck, that one I know only too well!), I remember one occasion when a female friend of mine left after coming around, ---- actually to do me some work as research assistant, and unexpectedly hugged me, ----- ouch! I froze completely.

Part of me wants to say "Well your female! so relationship starting sterriotypes are all in your favour" but I suspect that's just my own resentment talking.

Myself, I've now given up on the hole relationship business. After a year on Eharmony with no contacts, no progress in my ability to actually believe that anyone would be interested in me as more then a friend, I've coe to the conclusion that all I'm doing by continually desiring this is hurting myself.

As the Buhdists would say, the cause of all suffering is desire, rid yourself of desire, you rid yourself of suffering (I don't agree with this entirely, but in this case I think there is a deffinite point).

I freely admit this hasn't been easy, and I don't succeed all of the time. There's stil resentment and regret there about this, ---- but I'm working away on it, bit by bit. I now feel far more reconciled to my position than I did even a few months ago.

Is this a solution I'd recommend for you? ---- well I'm not sure.

I will say though that I've felt a good bit les hurt and angry sinse adopting this approach, and I think it's something which will only strengthen with time. Afterall, there are so many other things I can devote my energy too than chasing something which is impossible. Music, writing, friends, and lots of other things.

I think because survivers have been so profoundly and personally hurt, there's a tendency to believe that having the same thing in a none aggressive, healthy way is the be all and end all of life. This is reasonable, sinse it is a powerful thing, ---- though perhaps believing that it's the be all and end all and ultimate purpose of life is enlarging the situation too much.

I therefore offer this as an alternate stratogy, and one which in my opinion is ultimately less painful.


Top
#347694 - 12/09/10 10:21 PM Re: Sort of OT... Need Help back in the dating pool... [Re: dark empathy]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
My heart goes out to you, Dear Brother....

I will write again later.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.