I'll be honest, i only read the first one and then parts of a few others but i can say i know exactly how you feel. When i was reading that it felt like i wrote some of it because its so similar to what i am experiencing. The feeling of lost masculinity, feeling like your not really you and that your true self is off someone else, i can totally relate to that. Like you said in one of those entry's that you got in touch with your true self one day but then it went back to numbness and dissociation, thats actually something i just talked to my therapist about recently cause that happened to me. Your not alone man, we fight this fight together. Some things that have helped me feel more connected are trying to stop any sort of addictive activity that i was doing (tv,porn,masterbation,food,sex), which was really tough but it helped me feel more whole and not as numb as before. Also getting in touch with my inner child and the true 19 year old me that arn't normally present and letting them know that they are safe now and that i love them and that what happened wasnt there fault also has helped a lot.
Things will get better man, you WILL find that toughness, that real you and feel whole again.