The battle begins each time the scepter of rejection dangles as a honed blade awaiting its destiny. My neck now stretched taught - knowing – not knowing what others know or don’t. I’ve been inadvertently outed as a rape victim by the dearest of friends. No harm meant just a consequence of friendships, in the know, crossing over the borders of other friendships kept in the dark. As a result there is a blending of information creating a stew of which I no longer control all the added ingredients.

I can smell the aroma of this brew now coming to a simmer. At the moment it is faint barely noticeable to any except one other and myself. What concerns me is that I don’t know who will sip from the pan. I’m no longer able to be a witness to their facial expressions as the spoon of my history passes their lips. Will a silence heard by me from a friend I had chosen to keep in the dark, be a loud rejection of me? Or simply, they are busy with their lives and haven’t gotten back to me? It could be either and the sour taste for me - is I’ll not know which.

I’m not sorry that these friendships crossed each other for my friends are people I care about and in the end I’ll have to trust that they care about me. If my history carries a rank odor for some I’ll have to accept their abilities or lack of abilities to work through this putrid mix. The reason I took a moment to write and post is that we each, me included, need to be careful, for our comfort zones may not match the comfort of our brothers.

Truer words are difficult to find, Earlybird, and the counsel is ever present.

Yes, our friends do not do what we do. I am guilty of not considering the effects of my actions, and in doing so, have jeopardized the recovery and anonymity of my friend.

I am encouraged that you are open to seeing the reaction of those you interact with, those who support you locally, to the end of showing you, showing your recovery, to those who would accept it, and reject those who are too dark to be around your light.
I am encouraged to be able to continue to benefit from its warmth.

Please, Earlybird, accept this friendship, even in its missteps.

Sam

wow. i got nothin to say here but i hadda say Awesome post dude love these words!

we can never control how others will respond to us.

in my case - i try to "read" crap into everyone i talk to - even though others try to tell me - that i was wrong in my impression of how the conversation was going.

i also feel that people don't know how to respond to the "smell" of our stew ------------ perhaps they have been abused also at some point in their life ---- if not - maybe they have a problem relating to the news. i am trying to give people a break.....
that is very new territory to me.

always suspicious and "hypervigilant"

oh well

My brother Earl,

I can't imagine what must be going through your head right now. I know if I was in your spot, I would be bubbling up with anger right now at the friend who betrayed me. It is NOT their story to tell. Shame on them for taking that from you. Shame on them.

Who could hear that you were raped, and not feel some sort of compassion for you? This is the sort of thing that separates friends from counterfeits, because who could hear your story, as YOU tell it, and not want to uphold your dignity as a man? If these people can't open their minds up just one bit, if they can't accept that you, as a grown man, were raped, then they are not friends. They are not worth getting to know.

I told my brother I was sexually assaulted while he was here for Thanksgiving break. He didn't know what to say. He still hasn't really responded to me, although my wife took him out for coffee and they had a heart to heart talk about it. I know he hasn't rejected me, but still... it hurts that he hasn't said anything either way. I am still waiting for that phone call. He is young. It is a lot for a college freshman to hear, and I think my wife is easier to talk to, but still the silence is getting to me.

The phrase you used about your history having a rank odor made my chest ache. Some of the things my perp did to me made me worried that people would think that I smelled bad. I am constantly worried that even now, I smell. I can't stop eating those Altoids things. Yes, what was done to you was horrific. Putrid. Unpalatable. But it is your burden to bear, and those people who would turn away in revulsion are people who are not able to see the deep pain you have experienced in your life and its lasting implications. Earl, you have taken an unpalatable situation and turned it into something beautiful. Your struggle against the weeds and other invaders is a heroic one, and you have demonstrated much bravery in the way you interact with your family members and the way you have reached out to other guys here at MS, including me. Please know that no matter what happens, we are here to support you.

- Peter

Thanks to each one of you who have responded in support.

Peter, I appreciate your fierce defense of me it was kind and thoughtful, but there was no betrayal of me by a friend or anyone. No reason for me to be angry. The problem in writing about anything is I’m not capable of being concise enough that there won’t be any misunderstandings.

In brief what happened is I’m taking a poetry class and as part of this class we are to have a poetry blog. Blogging is completely new for me and in the beginning I was completely intimidated by the process. But after a little while I got to enjoying it. So I invited my family, some know of the rape, some don’t. I asked a few friends in the real world and a few brothers and one sister from MS to take a look. The problem was that I used my nickname (Earlybird) as my blog name, this was my misstep. If a person choses to leave a comment on my blog (which warms my toes when they do) it sets up a link to that person. (I didn’t know this) So if someone else reading the blog likes what the person said in his comment they can click their link which takes them to another page set up by the original person leaving the comment, which then links to other things and so on. What happened in this case is that it linked people to MaleSurvivor. Sense MS choses to allow wanders to come in and read, everything I’ve written under my avatar name is exposed to my classmates, friends, friends next door, and family members. (That made me suck in my breath)

So, I need to state strongly with purpose, no one did anything wrong. No malice or mistreatment. The simple fact is the net, in all its wonderful power as it has shown by bringing us together, makes information extremely available. The reason I posted was twofold. One I was feeling anxious and needed to express myself so I would not keep spinning. The other is I wanted to again warn how careful all of us must be. That even in a complete show of love and support of each other, such is in this account; we can inadvertently expose a brother.

I hope that this helps clear things up. I don’t want my story to cause separation of anyone close to me.

A year ago I would have found this very bothersome and frightening. While I am not going around telling people right and left I am also not living in the shadows either. If it were to be found out then so be it. I find my defenses are down more and I am more open to the possibility of a dialogue concerning my assault. Of course this is in my head and not yet come about yet.

I admire how you are dealing with this and the normal rections anyone would have. I also agree with Peter in that those who would react negatively are not worth the breath to even let out a good sigh. If I cannot simply tell my story and let that be enough then I see no point. I used to think I had to justify that I was raped in some way to make sure that it did not seem like I wanted it or was a willing part of it in some way. I do not feel that compulsion anymore.

You are a man of great character and you are handling this in an amazing way. If MS is like one big boat and we each have an oar to dip into the water for one another's recovery then I am glad you are one of my mates here.


Daryl