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#346554 - 11/29/10 02:18 PM she was never
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
My mother - my main abuser was NEVER ok with herself ever.

******triggers

1. Loved me more than any man eventhough I was just a boy. I could do no wrong. I was perfect she would say as she caressed and touched my little body. NO girl would ever be ok for me she would say.

2. Kicked every man out of her life and wander why she was alone including my own dad. I cried for my dad and she would say in her drunken lonely state, I can live without him. I was crying but that did NOT matter. AND when the men wanted me she would say he can't give you want I can. I was made to be in competition for her love and any love for my own self.

3. Would tell all of her friends they needed to get a life. I would then listen to her crying she was so lonely and to give her a hug. I would sit on her lap and hug her until she said NO go to your room.

4. Had no boundaries - emotional, verbal, physical and spiritual boundaries of her own were NON-existant. She would say go to the bathroom for me. She would say to my dad or her other husbands you did not drive fast enough and now I am going to pee or xxxx my pants as she made her way to the back yard.

I will stop now as I am ready to puke.

I have no idea at times what is normal. Boundaries, socialization, and individuality do NOT come natural to me.

I am learning and growing.

Donnie

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#346604 - 11/29/10 07:58 PM Re: she was never [Re: Avery46]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
That is just sick but thank you for sharing.

~Grant

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#346635 - 11/30/10 04:22 AM Re: she was never [Re: Neverquit]
rileyfinn Offline


Registered: 08/24/10
Posts: 14
Loc: New Hampshire, United States
Donnie,

Thank you for sharing this. I was thinking tonight about how coming out to my mother as gay when I was a teenager ran more like a break-up speech than a coming out story. She actually told me that she wished I would have just gotten some girl pregnant. Later, she switched it up and told me that it was better I was gay so that she never had to compete with other women for me. ?!?!

Your post hit me hard, because it makes me think more and more that the hardest thing to get over is rejecting the idea that our abuser loved us. They didn't love us at all or it would never have happened! Or, they did love us and that was their incredibly messed up way of showing it, just like a killer would hurt someone to show them that they love that person. Obviously, I still struggle with that issue.

I think it's much harder when it's a family member, especially a mother, because mothers are "supposed" to love their children. BS! That idea still triggers me. I can't stand it when I see groups on Facebook like "click here if you think your mother is the greatest person ever" Arg! Anyway, just had to share.

Let's keep this healing process rolling.

riley


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#346660 - 11/30/10 11:01 AM Re: she was never [Re: Neverquit]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Neverquit
That is just sick


It happened. I lived through it. I am sorry it upset you.

I live with this. This was tough to write and tougher to share. I am sick.

Riley,

Thanks for your reply and support.

Donnie




Edited by Avery46 (12/01/10 07:29 PM)
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#346715 - 12/01/10 12:33 AM Re: she was never [Re: Avery46]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey, Donnie, hey Riley, I tried the "get a girl pregnant" thing, didn't work.

I have a beautiful 20 year old now. No regrets smile She's wonderful, but I'm sad for my reasons.

Saying it again....I'm glad Mom/she's dead.

Stay strong guys
Mike

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#346720 - 12/01/10 01:11 AM Re: she was never [Re: mogigo]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Donnie and many others,

I'm not sure I should say the following stuff. I haven't received formal training in all this.

I know enough to recognize that your mother had recognizable symptoms of a disorder. Maybe someone trained in psychology can provide more information about what she had and the name for it.

Women with this disorder have a strong dual attitude toward men: They both love and hate men at the same time. They were probably badly sexually abused as children. They hate the "manliness" that did that to them. At the same time they feel they need it desperately.

My mother had some of this but I don't think it was as strong with her as with your mother.

Donnie, you as a young male, were innocent and hence worthy of her love. Male children don't have much sexual aggressiveness. That turned her on because she hated male aggressiveness. But she didn't have boundaries and so her love for your just spilled over in unhealthy ways. It left you with some strongly polarized emotions. You couldn't trust your mother because of what she did. But yet you also needed her love.

When your mother dragged home that other guy, you almost welcomed him because he freed you from the control and attention of your mother. She may have been attracted to him because he also had twisted his own sexual affinity towards boys and not women. But yet he also was very unhealthy in his sexual appetites and was untrustworthy. This led you into a further emotional quagmire.

Your mother plied you with flattery which made you feel better but at the same time her attention was poisonous.

With all of that I think you are doing quite well.

Keep up your good work. Keep on going to your T. Keep coming to MS. You are welcomed here.

((((Donnie))))

pufferfish


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#346744 - 12/01/10 11:09 AM Re: she was never [Re: pufferfish]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Pufferfish,

Your words and heart give me so much relief - I hope you know how much relief. I am freer of the desire to blame myself. I can "see" the woman who raised me in truth now.

Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Women with this disorder have a strong dual attitude toward men: They both love and hate men at the same time. They were probably badly sexually abused as children. They hate the "manliness" that did that to them. At the same time they feel they need it desperately.


The above is the truest de>
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#346797 - 12/01/10 07:23 PM Re: she was never [Re: Avery46]
Neverquit Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
You didn't upset me with your post but thanks for your concern. It takes a lot of hard work to become strong enough to share what you did so congratulations and I think you should take all the time away you need.

~Grant



Edited by Neverquit (12/01/10 07:28 PM)
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#346800 - 12/01/10 07:32 PM Re: she was never [Re: Neverquit]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Neverquit
You didn't upset me with your post but thanks for your concern.


I was concerned when I read the word "sick". I have felt sick for 40 yrs.

Thanks for replying again. I appreciate you.

Donnie

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aka DJsport

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#346802 - 12/01/10 07:46 PM Re: she was never [Re: Avery46]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Guys, I'm not sure what to say, but I'm following this post.


I just wanted to say I feel this post very much

Mike

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