Sad in the Midwest- that's tough-I didn't know about my csa but I did hide my sexual past since it had been a few years since I last acted out with another male-

Once my addiction came out, I was willing to do whatever to recover - that was eight 1/2 years ago and our marriage survived.

Intention is everything- can we be honest in our most significant relationships or do we intend to deceive and be unfaithful? Can we trust the other person enough to telll them truthfully-or do we hide parts of ourselves to get others to stay with us?

Dear Mountainous Buck,

When dating, it's never a good idea to tell anyone the negative about you at the beginning. It's kind of like selling a car. First you market the car as shiny and beautiful, just to get customers on the lot to look....

But then, when you're further along in the relationship, and they have interest, and have gotten to know you a good bit, and that interest is mutual, then is the time to gradually begin letting them in about the real you. Gradual is key, because otherwise it's overwhelming, even for those not victims of CSA. Most of us have problems!!

I fully understand the fear that a person wouldn't stay. But if you wait long enough, so that they know you pretty well, then they will want to make things work, and not give up. Also, I could be really wrong about this, but I don't think most people (people not abused, I mean), have the same sensitivities as survivors. We aren't grappling with guilt, with dissociation, with all the other things that you are. MEANING that we are not as likely to think it as significant a factor as you are, we are not likely to think the survivor is guilty, et cetera et cetera.

Honest to God, my dear friend, he's always worried he will get triggered and his employees and staff will see him and think he's silly then, but I've seen him when he's triggered. He's only very mildly silly, and then, so briefly, that it really seems like he's joking. Even if he is still in his funny mood for hours, he seems perfectly normal to me. Seriously.

I know I'm all over the place with this, Sorry.
D.

P.S. But even if you are afraid they will not stay, they have a right to know. Holding out important information when someone is considering a lifetime commitment, is not right. That said, I can understand and totally sympathize with a CSA survivor being so fond of someone, that they don't want that person to leave so they don't tell. I understand that. But I do think that is an exaggerated fear, because again, CSA survivors are much more anxious about all the issues surrounding it, than others. We are not wrapped up about it. We think it wasn't your fault.

Wow Sad-Sorry to hear. I can definately understand what your talking about. Is is a sort of private hell because its not the kind of thing you can share w/ a girlfriend. My husband did eventually tell his mom about it but he can't bear to have any other family member know. His refusal to go back to therapy frustrates me to no end! I don't know what he expects me to do w/ the list of "things" he can't do. Its not like he's gonna say its ok for me to find a surrogate husband in the interim. But I have my own therapist and thankfully I have this site.

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I received a PM from a great guy, who thought I was insensitive about why a survivor would not disclose. Due to the great amount of reading I have done here, I have some understanding of that.

That said, I still stand by my belief that disclosure is important. However, human nature being what it is, I also understand that survivors will want to spare themselves the trauma and pain of it.

However, we see what happens when marriages break up. It is not a pretty picture, especially when young children are involved. Maybe the fiancees should have noticed a problem. Maybe they should have said "no" to a proposal if they didn't date a man long enough to really know him. Everyone is human, and everyone has their reasons for their choices. But sometimes, there are innocent bystanders, and that is what I find most worrying.
Disappointed

Disappointed:

Disclosure is very important...However...Its not up to you to disclose somebodys abuse without their permission.

Regardless if they dont know your "friend"..its not your truth to put out there.

As a lawyer, you should understand confidentiality better than most...do you talk to your friends about your cases?

Some of your foolish posts really offend me...and I have the right on MALESURVIVOR...to say what I wish in friends and family...and why do I read it...cause people put foolishness out there that other sO read..and they need actual good information.

BTW...my awesome wife asked me if it was ok to tell a couple of her friends.....the 2 times she asked I said no problem..they are the right kind of people to tell...She needs an outlet too....but it was my choice...If I said no..she would respect my wishs.

Like I said shes Awesome, her suppoort in this is amazing.

Geez Castle
I think a spouse or a potential spouse should let their significant other know. Just like you would disclose prior marriages, children, credit history, drug use etc. My hubby would "die" if he knew any of my friends knew. But a person needs to vent and its a terrible burden to have to keep "secret."
Im just saying........

hmmm...we can have a difference of opinions pixy..and my remarkes were not to you but to Disappointed...I will rectify that by addressing her specifically in my post.

I wonder if you all would feel the same on the flip side...

Lets say I went to a site geared twords women who were abused and I said what your saying...I wonder how that would come across.

the ability to disclose abuse is very difficult even for people in relationships.

And Im with you..thats why I let my wife tell some friends...so she could have somebody to talk too.

maybe one day when your husband works through his recovery more he will let you tell some friends...but its his truth.

Its unfortunate I couldn't tell her for 17 years, or anybody for 27 years...our relationship is at its best right now...but I dont think you fully understand what male survivors go through in holding in this information and what we think people will think of us.

We dont hold this in for no reason...society has not been our friend.

When society changes maybe more men can tell their SO earlier on in their relationships. Things are starting to change..but slowly.

I hope it works out for you.

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