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#347238 - 12/06/10 07:44 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pixystick
they got a "lemon"' when they married their husband?


My BIGGEST FEAR is being a "lemon". I never asked to be a lemon or be used as someone dirty rag.

It is any wonder after being used as a dirty rag and then having my ex-wife believe I was just a lemon.





Edited by Avery46 (12/06/10 01:15 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#347298 - 12/06/10 01:09 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Avery46]
wayne9 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
At what point in a relationship should I tell of the CSA? I don't think its something to tell until it is clear there might be something more to it than just a date. But if you wait until true feelings have started from the heart than you risk hurting yourself and the other person.....

Tim


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#347313 - 12/06/10 02:46 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: wayne9]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Here's what I believe:

We (I'm a survivor talking...) all struggle with the stigma of being a child sexual abuse "survivor".... Throw him away, not a real man, man enough... etc...

I'm am so blessed to have a girlfriend who sees what I'm up against, the path I am on, the remarkable progress I have made and the path I have charted out forward, ... and recognizes the strength and courage and specialness of a man like that. She's helping me believe that, too, in time, as much as she.

Believe in yourself, your courage and strength to confront this, even when no one around you is believing in you. You are not alone, and we together speak our truth. Together, we will prevail.

Commit to your healing. It's tragic, ... what we deserved, what they promised us, the lies we got instead. But this is now our path in life. Move forward. Make progress. Admit your faults. No more denial and avoidance. Allow others to help you. Trust they are around you and you will find them.

Pixystick: I hope I haven't discouraged you, or "shut you down". Please post more. Your side of things,... really needs recognition. I'm just telling you how I see it. I'm not "right". I hope your husband goes immediately to a therapist who knows about male childhood sexual abuse. Some are, frankly, just clueless in my experience. Even harmful. Hope that wasn't his experience. Here is good. A support group is good, if they know enough to respond helpfully. Seems pretty difficult to find though.

An aside. There's something hugely "triggery" about your name here for me. Hope I'm not overreacting because of it.

Take care.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#347322 - 12/06/10 05:37 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: nltsaved]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Here's my experience-months after the infidelity came crashing out of my closet-wemweremseeing a T who said when we got married both of us had baggage sitting behind us at the altar that wasnt part of the deal-the baggage from our pasts.

So I got busy working thru my baggage and that work continues-the csa didnt emerge until six years later so we had a foundation of fidelity to work this out.
I can't imagine the mixing of infidelity and csa issues at the same time-

The key for me is willingness to be a better man than the path I started out on in this life-and to pursue my own destination. Having trust and integrity and facing all this past and acting out sexually takes guts-but the only way out is through in-not around it.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

“It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#347339 - 12/06/10 09:12 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: LandOfShadow]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Hey Land of Shadow. I'm still reading and trying to learn. MY husband did go to therapy for a bit but earlier this year. I hate to view him as disabled but there are a ton of "things" he can't do or tolerate. Unfortunately, I need those "things". I always did. He also didn't not have a very good childhood aside from the CSA. I know its not fault but its still Damn Hard!


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#347342 - 12/06/10 10:56 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
jorgea73 Offline


Registered: 12/03/10
Posts: 30
Loc: Southern California
Pixy - I am new to this board and I am also a survivor. I was molested at the age of 4. I'm now 37 and still dealing with it. I know it is hard on you. Like Land of Shadow. I also have an understanding wife who has been through a lot in the past 14 years of our life together. I can only say to please be patient with your husband. I know it's trying and sometimes extremely and painfully frustrating, but your husband has been through a lot. I don't know the details of your husband's abuse or life, but any CSA is extremely traumatizing. I wish you two luck and patience. All the best.



Edited by jorgea73 (12/07/10 12:22 PM)

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#347382 - 12/07/10 12:20 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Disabled sounds like he can't correct it. He Can. Where is he now? I guess I want to say to him.... "Buddy, I so know you didn't want this job. But dealing with this is YOUR job. Not your wife's. But not alone. And the fear and shame you feel, won't kill you."

For me, there's such a temptation to hide stuff from my gf. But it works opposite. The more open I am (and man does that feel bad and vulnerable), the easier it is for her to deal with things. It's a known thing we handle together, not a unknown she's shut out from with no understanding, hope or way forward.

Like I said before (in part), http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...6864#Post346864, there are ways to try to make it work.

Others suggested getting lots of hugs from friends and family until he can do more. Sounds workable.



_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#347389 - 12/07/10 01:24 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: LandOfShadow]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
L.O.S.-Thanks for the encouragement. I think I can make it if things don't get any worse. Hopefully, he will return to counseling. But its like he's decided that going through the recovery and therapy is just too hard and he's not interested in dredging up those feelings. I'm just taking it one day at a time.


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#347402 - 12/07/10 03:43 PM When should you tell a girl you're dating? [Re: wayne9]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Tim,

Everyone is different, but I'll relate my experience. My dear friend contacted me when he saw me on a website. We emailed, talked on the phone several times, I'd say he first mentioned his CSA after about 4 weeks of conversation. He told me over the phone, was very casual about it, didn't make a big deal out of it. He had two different abusers. He told me about the last one, not the first one. The last one was easier on him, and that was the one he mentioned to me.

The way he talked about it, lightly and matter of factly, I really felt it was not a big deal. I still feel that way. Much later, about 4 months later, in person, he told me about his first abuser, who was very bad to him. And this he didn't tell me much about at all. He mentioned it, said there was "penetration," and then then said he didn't remember much of it. Which turns out wasn't true, but that's okay. He put me on notice.

I think he handled it great, for me.

Disappointed.

_________________________
Female.

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#347404 - 12/07/10 03:56 PM Re: When should you tell a girl you're dating? [Re: Disappointed]
Sad in the Midwe Offline


Registered: 12/23/09
Posts: 19
This is so hard. I am angry that I wasn't told...as I had a blunt conversation w/my husband before we married. I've come to believe that many survivors of CSA have had to lie for many years...they are good at it..He admits he didn't tell me because I might not have stayed w/him. He's right. I wouldn't sign up for this.
It covers every aspect of our life. His depression, his anger, his inability to get a job or see any part of life other than his victimhood. He's been in therapy for 18 months, but I haven't seen much change. I'm tired of living this way.
Thanks for letting me vent. It's too shameful for me to share w/my f/f...his acting out, his addiction to porn...it's a quiet hell I can't share w/anyone but a T..and, that's expensive.
Sad


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