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#346819 - 12/02/10 12:20 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: nltsaved]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: nltsaved
"I only found out about the abuse when I found out about his numerous affairs."


this is probably the one thing that i do not no if i could deal with.


I am not sure I could deal with this either.

Your a strong person.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346827 - 12/02/10 02:37 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Avery46]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
For better or for worse.

Pixystick, I admire your resolve to make your marriage work. Were you suspicious of your husband’s disclosure about CSA after you learned he was cheating on you? Such a disclosure could be an attempt to manipulate sympathy from you by turning attention away from his infidelity onto his unresolved past. I guess time will tell if your husband’s disclosure was authentic and by it he is ready to acknowledge his betrayal of you, seek your forgiveness and get the help he needs to work through the myriad long term effects of his CSA.

I rarely post in F&F because I have never been married or ever been in a serious relationship...but...I do have a strong conviction for the permanence and sacredness of marriage. In this era of throw away families and disposable marriages, it is truly a breath of fresh air to hear someone like you state your commitment to your husband despite the profound hurt he has caused you. Your frustration and anger is very much justified and I think it is good for you to express it and work through it. Hopefully, you both can go to counseling together as well as your husband seeing a T one on one for his the CSA.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#346847 - 12/02/10 09:59 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
So let me see ---- you are PERFECT - and feel like you got a "Lemon"? ok now i see..............................


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#346848 - 12/02/10 10:00 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: nltsaved]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
bravo nlt

ditto me on those remarks.


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#346851 - 12/02/10 10:14 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Sobernow]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Sober, I am no way perfect and I do lots of things wrong all the time. I just wish he had told me in the beginning. Or I would have settled for him telling me at any point in our marriage other than the way he presented it me. He said the CSA was the reason for his "friendships" with other women. I know its tough and I hate that it happened to him. When I got married I expected to have a partner w/ whom I could share closeness, intimacy, laugh, talk, hold, kiss, raise a family, grow old etc. Call me stupid! He did those things in the beginning but he stopped about 2 years into the marriage. I guess it was too difficult for him to pretend. He doesnt "need" closeness and intimacy. I do! So for that part, I'm sad. Im just trying to find a way to muddle through.


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#346854 - 12/02/10 10:36 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
InsideTheWall Offline


Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 286
You have a right to be mad, Pixy.


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#346857 - 12/02/10 10:53 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: InsideTheWall]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (12/19/10 09:02 PM)
_________________________
Female.

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#346867 - 12/02/10 11:24 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Disappointed]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Pixy, Disappointed and others,

We all deserve to be close/intimate with others. We all deserve to "feel" loved and complete. We all deserve to expect that from others.

It is really difficult as adults and be a survivor to get close and WANT to get close.

As a survivor, my challenge is too "break" through the barriers/feelings-anger, deep sadness, rage, etc and do it in a healthy way so I can join the rest of society and be productive and loving.

There are so many boundary issues to understand that were messed up during the CSA or SA. We all start adult life with hope for a bright future. I hoped as I turned 18, that nothing in my past would "affect" my future. I was very wrong. I got married just once. For the survivor and non-survivor, NEITHER one wants to be a "lemon" or called one.

Bottom line is - shxx happens.

I think life today in our fast paced world is ready to say - I am out of here - if things do NOT go right.

My grandparents did NOT have sex after the "kids" - 10 of them - we born.

Peace to both sides of this issue. We are all entitled to our feelings.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346868 - 12/02/10 11:37 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
Originally Posted By: pixystick
Why wouldn't a person do everything they possibly could to get better and thus be a better spouse,father, brother etc?


"Big boys don't cry. Suck it up. Man up. Whiner." (Repeat 100000 times)

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#346870 - 12/02/10 11:54 AM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Avery46]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
It's just... who do you blame here? The 25% of kids sexually abused as children, or the society that refuses to admit it, and steadfastly teaches everyone it doesn't happen, or if that doesn't work, it was long ago so forget about it and why don't you shut up.

It's kind of that "inconvenient truth" thing again...

Pixy, you were, are, totally victimized too. That's ugly. But not by your husband. He's just being a "good boy", like I expect he was. I just can't blame the kid any more.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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