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#346785 - 12/01/10 06:23 PM Bait and Switch
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Any wives out here that feel like they got a "lemon"' when they married their husband? I do! My hubby is a CSA survivor. I know now that he would not have been able to articulate this fact to me when we were dating. But, a part of me feels like I should have been given a disclaimer by someone! Why couldnt he have said, "Honey, I am a survivor of CSA. I have tons of emotional baggage! Not to mention intimacy issues. I am not the least bit interested in dealing w/ this through counseling because it is way too painful and this marriage is not worth all that. So you will have to take me as is. I wont be able to provide closeness, hand-holding and tender moments unless sex is involved. You will have to get by without it. And you dont have my permission to have an extramarital affair! I will have difficulty relating to our children so you are on your own." Still wanna marry me?


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#346788 - 12/01/10 06:35 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Pixystick,

I know you typed the word "wives" but I wanted to say bravo to you for writing this.

This is clear and to the point. It expresses your thoughts - I am sure my ex-wife had - and it expresses your dismay.

I will be able to tell my next partner about the full affects of the abuse clearly and fully after discovering what happened and how it affected me.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346790 - 12/01/10 06:53 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Avery46]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Thanks Donnie! Better late than never.


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#346796 - 12/01/10 07:21 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
True. I feel for you.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346798 - 12/01/10 07:26 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 853
Loc: Kc,Mo
i find it hard to believe the warning signs were not there before hand . we choose to ignore things even though we see the warning signs before hand . there are a lot of things i saw in my wife before i married her , her neediness, insecurity,and lack of trust and i ignored it hoping it would get better or that when we got married those things would change.

i can not sit here and say i wish i would have known that she would not have had these insecurities,lack of trust and her extreme neediness when i knew they were there the whole time i just chose to ignore the warning signs.

but the great thing about marriage is that you can work on it and together it just breaks my heart to see people talk about marriage as if it is just something people do and can just break up like some kind of relationship gone wrong.

marriage is something so much more than that it is forever it is a commitment that if most people actually knew what they were sighning up for would not get married at all.

did you not stand there and say for better or worst so what is the problem this is not on him as it is so much on you. you said the vow you stood there and said for better or worst now that things are bad you wanna get all mad . well i got news for you


marraige is more than just saying i am done this is it
how bout fighting for your marriage how about saying it is worth the pain and the suffering to become one and to become better for it . how about saying he is worth the things You said
for better or worst.

sorry for being so harsh but man

what is marriage if you will not honor the vows?
so many people have no idea what so ever what marriage really means as if it is some story book . some never never land of fantasy that everything is gonna be just great and better or worst will not come about or richer or poorer sickness in health . all those things will come and continue to come if you are not up for all that than you should have not said you were .

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#346803 - 12/01/10 07:46 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: nltsaved]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: nltsaved
what is marriage if you will not honor the vows?
so many people have no idea what so ever what marriage really means as if it is some story book . some never never land of fantasy that everything is gonna be just great and better or worst will not come about or richer or poorer sickness in health


nt,

I agree with you. When I told my ex-wife I was sexually abused - well she was NOT ex at the time - she said get the f out. She had experienced my withdrawal.

Lots of pain on both sides.

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346804 - 12/01/10 07:48 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: nltsaved]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Ouchh! I'm def in it for the long haul. I just get frustrated sometimes. I try to focus on the things I do have w/ my husband as oppossed to the things I don't have. Still, it is hard. I only found out about the abuse when I found out about his numerous affairs. He then offerred the "abuse" as his reason. I guess I get it but you better believe I was a bitter pill to swallow. I thought to myself that it was ironic I can't get intimacy (only sex) but he's got the wherewithall to romance other women? No way is it fair. And yes there were signs that something was "rotten in Denmark" but I would have never guessed in a million years our current situation.


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#346806 - 12/01/10 07:55 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: pixystick
..I thought to myself that it was ironic I can't get intimacy (only sex) but he's got the wherewithall to romance other women? No way is it fair.


I understand. I appreciate your honesty and truth. I know this hurts.

I wish I could offer more comfort.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346811 - 12/01/10 09:31 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: Avery46]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Thanks Av and Donnie. Just needing to vent. Bums me out at times. I kno my husband is dealing w/ a lot. Guess I would feel better if he was more committed to counseling. Why wouldn't a person do everything they possibly could to get better and thus be a better spouse,father, brother etc? Makes me feel like our marriage isn't worth fighting for!


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#346817 - 12/01/10 10:41 PM Re: Bait and Switch [Re: pixystick]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 853
Loc: Kc,Mo
"I only found out about the abuse when I found out about his numerous affairs."


this is probably the one thing that i do not no if i could deal with. anything else besides unfaithfulness i can deal with ,i admire your willingness to work through that like i said i do not think i could deal with that one. but i guess that would be considered the worst out of for better or worst . i do not think it could get any worst than that.

sorry if i came off to strong with out knowing the whole thing , this is something i have been working on and as always there is always a humbling experience to show me these things .

for real though people these days do not take marriage seriously enough. but it sounds like you are

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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