This is some kind of abuse I had not mentioned before, but I think I should. To a lesser extent, I am also a victim of Female Sexual Abuse.

Note:
*I have used to word maid: woman that helps in the house.
**I have generalized: men, women but I mean (some or most of them)

I was a boy, and this was after being raped by my older male cousin in third grade elementary school.
We had a maid in our house, she’d typically help with cleaning duties and cooking. Suddenly, she started being sexual with me – Triggered the hell out. We used to play chess a lot, she would put the pieces on the floor to “pick them up”. Since we were sitting on the floor also, she attempted to “take one piece” that had gone too far within my legs. I felt danger, I had to go away – she wanted to touch what everybody seemed to want. She would hide things in the kitchen to then ask for my help: like helping her climb the shelves and putting my hand in her butt to push her. Things like this. I told my dad that I felt bad, but he told me that in order to be a man, I needed to touch her and follow her game. As usual, I didn’t feel any kind of sympathy (At least he didn’t kick me out of the house like the time that I was raped)

I had another problem with sexual harassment from another maid, this was in my grandma’s house. We used to watch a soap opera every afternoon. I could feel the sexualized atmosphere and I felt like running away. I was lying on the sofa. All of a sudden she roughly jumped on top of me, she took my wrists strongly making me unable to move… she started to tongue kiss me and put her finger inside my mouth. I was saying no! fighting. I felt so subdued and powerless. She finally let me go.

I told my grandma (and I felt awkward because, as a man, I was “not” supposed to argue about this). Again, I was not listened to, and I felt like no one cared whatsoever, either with my cousin or with everybody else.
This woman was crazy! She used to “make me play games” in which she needed to take me to the shower and wet me. She used to hit my younger cousins too. When she was finally fired, she managed to find my phone number and called me from unknown numbers, she would even appear in my house and I had to plan very well what to do, or that would be a “masculinity flaw”: to dismiss the desires of a woman. She followed me for several years, and then I stopped knowing from her.
Later, I became friends with another maid (I was so lonely and ashamed that my friends were maids and my grandma). We were close friends… Not only I had failed to meet all the world’s expectations with me as a “regular boy” –including my dad’s – but, she started telling me how feminine I was, and that I was a true Androgyny: She told me “ If I am walking in the street, I couldn’t tell right away if you are a boy or a girl”. This destroyed me.

I became so angry at women. I HATE the fact that everybody assumes that, because I am a man, I am choking in my own drool by just thinking of sex, that when they say the world “girl” it’s like some hidden antennae started looking for signal. It’s like: Give a subject, if it contains the word: Woman, then I have to be very excited no matter what! To walk with a woman, talk to a woman, drink with a woman, explore a woman, invite a woman, pay for a woman, meet a woman, I HATE asking for phone numbers and I feel no desire to whatsoever… it’s like I finally gave up.

I didn’t see my dad as an example or guidance of any kind to the man I wanted to become. The rest of the men around me had the same stupid, selfish, betraying, sexualized mind when it comes to women. All of them were disgusting. I could not bond with other boys because I liked other activities such as writing, drawing and reading, so I never shared significant time with them. I never knew what acceptance was. I never knew what being a man was.

Recently, I went to the Yankees with a group of men for the game (I don’t like sports but I liked the stadium), and then we went to a gentlemen’s club. First time. I was good, It was my first time lap dance. Then –as expected- this woman started talking about how I was so young and so shy, and the fact that I was too much of a baby and I was like a little present for her.  Familiar?
Current best friend female? She calls me to tell me that a man that doesn’t know how to masturbate a woman is completely worthless.

The other one said with an attitude: Luis, when is it that you’re going to show us the love of your life, be it woman, man, or whatever it is?
Invited this girl out in Manhattan. I had prepared everything, unlimited tickets, and A, B and C plans. Never showed up. Never called.
I do NOT believe any word a woman tells to me. It’s a whirlpool, it’s not clear. When I meet a woman it’s like: Oh well, here we go again bla bla bla delusion, questionnaire, the “Whys” section, the “Hows” section. I’m FED up to the top of that nonsense.

I also became angry at men, of course. As soon as I fail to meet their expectations, their speech starts. In the best case, they make a special space for me, in which I’m also unable to bond: it’s the guys and the umm… Idk… Luis (aka he’s smart).
I went to the spa for a massage. The woman that was going to do it told me to change my clothes. I was standing up and she looked at my face, then she looked at my crotch. I felt nauseated, belittled, abused. The idea is a boomerang in my head.

I HATE to feel eyes rolling over my body; I cannot stand to be touched.

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Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings.
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