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#34657 - 11/16/03 06:49 AM Did bad thingagin
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Idid soemthing real bad lastnight,somethingI not do in few months. I used do it before, moreoften, and think I not do it no more. I would feel need to have someone hrurt me, and would go out to bar, find someone big drunk, and make him mad at me, make him hit me or hrut me. I not done that for few months,and then do that last night. I not knwo why I need it hten, I try tell msyelf that is not what I go out to do. But I do it annyway, get big person to hit mme and hhurt me agian, it feelactually good at time, now home and fell hurting. Feel iam sos utpid and lloser,i am soryy.

lelosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#34658 - 11/16/03 11:56 AM Re: Did bad thingagin
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
You are not stupid or a loser my friend, not at all, you are sed to being hurt, I hate to admit this, but I do things like this also, make people bigger than me mad enough to hit me r hurt me. I feel stupid about it later on too, but it is not stupid, our psyches are so used to being hurt, that in a distorted way, whether subconciously or not, we find comfort in being hurt, because it is familiar. You are far from stupid, you didn't do anything wrong, perhaps a bad choice, but everyone makes bad choices at times. Just try to move past it buddy, and don't beat yourself up, just let yourself heal from it, and try to forget you did it.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#34659 - 11/16/03 01:23 PM Re: Did bad thingagin
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

There is nothing wrong with you. You are reacting to an abnormal situation. The abnormal thing was the abuse you suffered.

It is very hard to break out of old thought patterns, but it is possible. Do not comdemn yourself for last night. Take pride in the long time you went without doing this. Start right away a new stretch of not doing it.

Battle by battle you will win this war.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#34660 - 11/16/03 02:32 PM Re: Did bad thingagin
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Leo,

Ditto to what everyone else said. You're not a loser. You never were a loser.

How is it that we suffer bad things in life, respond to them in ways we think are okay, and beat ourselves up over them? We respond the way we've been treated, Leo. No more, no less.

You are a miracle of the universe, my friend. As the poem, "Desidarata" says. You have every right to be here. And, whether you believe it or not, we are better for you being here. I know I am.

Please believe that. I treasure you here. I value your contributions. And, by the way, you say you're stupid or a loser again, I will come over and teach you a lesson via the miracle of technology...:-p

Leo, I care. You matter.

Peace and love. Forgive yourself,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#34661 - 11/16/03 02:54 PM Re: Did bad thingagin
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
Leosha,

You are not studid or a loser. Every word you write here shows you are a strong, brave, proud man who is working very hard to overcome some terrible things.

And last night another terrible thing happened. You say that you did it but really THEY did this to you again.

It is THEIR bad, stupid, loser ideas that you acted on. Not your ideas.

But why does this happen? Why do you let them still convince you to punish yourself ?

Here are some ideas to think about.

The last few days, you have written some very important posts here. They are strong posts, very powerful and very emotional.

You wrote about your friend who is in the abusive relationship. How it reminds you and triggers you. How bad you feel that you can not help her, and now you must tell her that you cannot listen anymore, cannot be there for her.

This is very stressful for you, and is maybe the most immediate problem that is making you feel bad.

You also wrote about sex. That was very stressful for you too. And you were nervous about any women reading it, so it was even more difficult for you. But you were brave and strong again, and you wrote what was on your mind and in your heart.

Good for you for doing that Leosha. But again, it brings up very bad feelings and bad memories for you. More bad feelings added on top of the ones about your friend you cannot help.

And a third thing you wrote recently. A most excellent letter to your mother. A wonderful letter, full of love and strength and pride. Words from a strong man, telling the truth, and asking for what he needs.

But even this letter, as wonderful as it is, is more stress. I bet you wonder if you should send it. And you worry about what the answers will be. You worry even IF there will be an answer, or you will feel like you have no mother.

I think all of these things together pushed you over the edge last night. You were feeling so bad, so helpless and useless, and scared too.

The voices from your past took over and you knew again you had to be punished. So you did this thing again.

But see, it wasn't you doing it. It was THEIR stupid loser ideas that you believed again for a little while.

You believed them because maybe you are working too hard on too many things all at once. And you have been sick, and not sleeping and not eating, so you are physically weak too.

Leosha. One thing at a time, little brother.

You must get healthy first to be strong in your mind to deal with this things. That is the main thing.

The letter is good, and a good idea, but you can send that anytime. It doesn't have to be now, or next week. That can wait.

Everything about sex is very important. And maybe this is the thing you should be working on with your therapist. It is a good goal. You deserve a happy life which includes love and sex.

It will take time so you must have patience. It will get better. There are steps and exercises you can do to learn to enjoy your own body and sex. You can do that Leosha, but you have to focus on that, or let it go for a while. Believe me, there is time, and it will be better.

It's sad that we have to LEARN these things when we are older, and fear them, when everyone else just seems to have it come naturally, but I think that we end up appreciating and understanding Love and Sex better than someone who doesn't have to struggle for it.

As for your friend, you must separate from her. Maybe not completely, but you can back off a little. Maybe only see her or talk to her once a week. Find a balance and limit your contact with her. Maybe when you are stronger and feeling better you can really help her.

It is very common for survivors to be helpers. They do anything for other people so they don't have to help or think about themselves. There is a saying, maybe in Russia too, "Misery loves Company".

People who are hurt and feeling bad like to be around other people like that, even if the hurts are different. But sometimes, one of the people changes and being around the other one just makes them feel bad, especially if they cannot help, or the other person won't listen.

You have to take care of YOU FIRST, Leosha.

Please. All these things you are working so hard on. Slow down a little. Get healthy. Stay healthy. Then you will be strong to deal with the next thing and then the next.

Each one is hard, and makes you feel bad and stupid again, AND YOU ARE NOT BAD OR STUPID.

YOU ARE NOT BAD OR STUPID.

Don't let those stupid voices and echoes tell you you need to be punished. You do nothing wrong except maybe try too hard, try to do too much all at once.

Please read the article at this link http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm

If the lanuguage is hard for you, then send a PM to Ken Singer, who wrote it. I know him. He's a good man and he will help you understand it better.

I know you are a long way from home, and no family here, but don't ever forget there are many Brothers and Uncles here who care about you and are thinking of you eveyday.

Good things are coming Alexei, very good things. Sometimes they come all at once, all by themselves, but sometimes we need to work on them slowly, one thing at a time.

Donald

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

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#34662 - 11/16/03 06:04 PM Re: Did bad thingagin
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Leosha listen to all your brothers above.

Now listen to me too. I was you some 40 years ago. My sa was violent hurtful and dangerous and during my childhood I was consistently beaten by male relatives. From 18-21 I was a male prostitute catering to the sicker elements of the male society that like to inflict real damage on someone they were buggering or whatever. I have been hanged, tortured, cut, mutilated, gang raped and anything else you can imaging. I did it for money but I was looking for the same thing you were in that bar. It enhanced our views about ourselves.

Thing is it is not ourselves but some young person that was used to this treatment.

Leosha read my story which is in two parts. We are a lot alike in our reactions to what happened to us.

Remember that it is not you and that you deserve good things in your life from now on. Some day I hope to meet you in person and shake your hand and tell you what a great guy I think you are.

Be safe my Russian brother. :p

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#34663 - 11/16/03 07:47 PM Re: Did bad thingagin
bountiful1 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/03
Posts: 60
Loc: New York, New York, USA
Leosha!

you are not a loser! I know from exchanges that you are a great guy!

you are reacting to a need that was taught to you by forces out of your control when you were too young to know any better! That impulse was created by the abuse you suffered at the hands of others. It takes time and patience to change patterns (reactions) to those ugly feelings taught by the abusive actions of others!

Each time you recognize that you don't want to do that will remind you that CARE is out there and can start with yourself. You are already saying that you care to yourself... I care too! KEEP SAYING IT and You are worth keeping safe!

those old impulses come from old voices. New voices are here for you.

Take care

with kind wishes Asher

_________________________
We are such stuff as dreams are made on, and I dream of freedom and happiness and fulfillment for us all.

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#34664 - 11/16/03 07:55 PM Re: Did bad thingagin
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Leosha,
Listen to the words of your brothers and try to beleive them. The amazing thing about you is that you have given most of your energy to good activities like skating, helping yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve that, and someday you will know that you deserve that.
Ken


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#34665 - 11/17/03 10:35 AM Re: Did bad thingagin
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Listen to these men. Hang in there. You are a good person caught in a bad scene. YOU WILL CHANGE ALL THAT TIME. Just hang on. YOU ARE NOT A LOSER.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#34666 - 11/20/03 11:29 PM Re: Did bad thingagin
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Feeling like doing this again now. Am trying not to. Trying to deal with things in better way. The problems, the stresses, they are not worth it. They are not worth my pain. HE is not worth my pain. None of them are worth me to hurt more at myself for them. F*ck that, and them.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#34667 - 11/21/03 08:46 AM Re: Did bad thingagin
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Leosha,

That's right, screw 'em. They are not worth it.

Hang in there and this will pass.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#34668 - 11/21/03 11:33 AM Re: Did bad thingagin
Nathan LaChine Online   happy
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Leosha,

We all make mistakes in life. The best thing you cna do is review what drove you to the bar. Why did you want someone to physically hurt you? What caused you to go their? Learn from your past mistake and move on. We cannot change the past no matter how hard we try, but we can learn from our past.

lots of love, Nathan


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