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#346467 - 11/28/10 08:16 PM didn't do enough
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
20 years ago, I left my ex-wife and kids to live as a gay man. I was having memories of one of my perps at the time. I was saying to my ex-wife, I was abused.

BUT, I also was having an affair and she said your gay - get out. I wanted to stay. I so wanted to stay. I begged her. I also knew it was not right for her to be in love with someone who was attracted to men. I did file for divorce. I did NOT ask for help. I didn't do enough

I left. We lived in a very small town and it was 1989 and there were no resources for me-us to get help.

I know now 20 years later what my issues are. BUT I will never get them back or have a normal life.

I write this so you all know you are in a good place in time for having resources. There is NO black and white so take your time. If you dont take your time life will be over.

Donnie




Edited by Avery46 (11/28/10 08:17 PM)
_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346484 - 11/29/10 12:15 AM Re: didn't do enough [Re: Avery46]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6705
Loc: USA
DJ

You are going through a stage of grieving for your losses.

You realize now how a bad childhood had devastating effects on your adult life and your marriage. You see now that the way you were treated as a little boy and 13 year old had big domino effects on your adult life.

To have insight like this is a good first step.

Now you need to forgive yourself and others and move beyond your losses. I know this is not easy. It will take some effort.

We are here for you and we will try to help you with this.

Allen

pufferfish


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#346505 - 11/29/10 08:19 AM Re: didn't do enough [Re: pufferfish]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
I was hit yesterday with a sense of the years, opportunities, relationships, and youth sucked under by my shutting down after the csa and choosing to try to manage life alone.

Imdidnt have the answers then-couldn't admit I had problems In This area-Denial kept me lost.

So where do we go from here? Live an honest life inmcommunion with fellow survivors, find our passion, live more, live more

"I'm Still Here"

I am a question to the world,
Not an answer to be heard.
All a moment that's held in your arms.
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anywayÖ
You don't know me,
And Iíll never be what you want me to be.

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man..
You can take me and throw me away.
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own.
They don't know me 'cause I'm not here.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
Theyíre the ones that stay the same.
The donít know me,
'Cause Iím not here.

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted, I could be
Now you know me, and I'm not afraid
And I wanna tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can the world want me to change,
Theyíre the ones that stay the same.
They canít see me,
But Iím still here.

They canít tell me who to be,
ĎCause Iím not what they see.
And the world is still sleepiní,
While I keep on dreaminí for me.
And their words are just whispers
And lies that Iíll never believe.

And I want a moment to be real,
Wanna touch things I don't feel,
Wanna hold on and feel I belong.
And how can they say I never change
Theyíre the ones that stay the same.
Iím the one now,
ĎCause Iím still here.

Iím the one,
ĎCause Iím still here.
Iím still here.
Iím still here.




Edited by Mountainous Buck (11/29/10 08:20 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346509 - 11/29/10 08:39 AM Re: didn't do enough [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I wish you all - Family and friends and fellow survivors - a healing journey.

I am not sure of the meaning in my journey but I wanted to share some of my story. WE - my ex-wife and I were the ones responsible for the lack of healing 20 years ago. I am sorry but I did what I could.

I appreciate the poem above. I do NOT understand it. I understand despair and loneliness and want to pass on the message of my journey in a short amount of space.

I wish you all well.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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