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#34619 - 04/02/05 07:29 PM Who will ever understand?
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
I've been making silent observations to myself about some things, but will let some flow now. Primarily been thinking about who cares, who should care, who can ever understand, or even who should even understand. Never fitting into the puzzle, always being that odd piece that fell to the floor that no one can find and knowing they don't really want to spend any time looking for it anyway.

I'm home alone right now, and this is when I feel safest. It's quiet here, the wife and kids are gone to an event for one of the daughters today. Beautiful day outside, but I'm enjoying the silence in here because that's been safe all my life. Calls to my mother are one-sided now with me carrying the conversation, she's cast me off because I don't satisfy her emotional needs any more. Besides, it's her means of protecting herself, since my older brother no longer talks to anyone in the family. And of course, now I'm the same, so I get the same treatment, but I still call once or twice a week for a 5 minute conversation even though they only live 2 miles away. I haven't seen them in person for several months now. Haven't seen my oldest brother in years, although he lives about a mile away. What a family.

And those I told listened with care, but they have their own problems. My wife the same, everywhere the same. No one knows what boils inside, and I thinking that I could somehow make things different but really knowing that nothing is going to be different for me, not any time soon anyway. This is not going to change at my desired pace. And still I feel that comfort from being alone, it's what I'm used to, it's what I know, what I learned to handle, and how I learned to live. No one will get inside me and really know, because I won't/can't let them.

I daydream as I drive down the highway, after several miles wondering how I get there because I don't remember the last few miles. My mind just wanders and sometimes fills with nothingness, because I feel a lot like nothingness at times. Empty, depleted, drained, spent. And I see people pass me and wonder if they feel that same emptiness, that same hollowness, but then I know it can't be really the same, because then they would understand, and that's not going to happen.

_________________________
Eddie

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#34620 - 04/02/05 09:47 PM Re: Who will ever understand?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Eddie,

sounds a little bit like my family, they break away, they come around but never really gets to much of talking, so much, of their lives really.

Maybe, just like you, your family became dysfunctional through past events, and yet you yearn to get them back together.

My older brother, mentally abused me, I told him when I was a kid, that he was not my brother, but I love him, and he has always wanted to get back as a brother.

It is strange, that ever since I was a kid, I had to be the strongest, and the one who could solve all the problems, even with so many mental problems caused by my abuse, so it still goes on in adult life.

Suppose, it is going to be me, who brings the family back together, if I can find the strength to do it.

I have gone through the same things as you, the driving and not remembering, somehow the world can be so unreal, and wondering what other people were griping about.

I remember that piece you put into the forum, about standing above your brothers grave, it really got me thinking, so if you can find it, bring it up again, because it really made me think about what is missing in a lot of our lives.

And it is no fault of yours or ours,

take care,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#34621 - 04/03/05 03:00 AM Re: Who will ever understand?
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Eddie - I have found that very many people understand (or at least care).

Before I told anyone that I had been abused, everyone one used to come to me when they were having problems - I used to see things from a realistic perspective and help guide people through their issues. I still do that. I never (rarely) judge anyone.

Now people understand why I have that capacity - I told them what happened to me.

Sometimes they are frightened of where I am in my own mind now - that's because I am dealing with the whole scenario & need to get to the end of the road & start living without this thing constantly in my head.

Perv is in court again in 3 weeks time & then I have to wait for the 'real' court proceedings. Once that's over, then maybe everyone else will understand where I have been all of these years. What is in my mind. Who I am!!!

I know what you mean about enjoying the silence - for many years I have used loud rock music / televison / films etc to drown out reality...I can switch the television off now and just listen to whatever nature is doing outside. I still enjoy all of the old distractions, but I don't have to use them.

If people in your family do not talk to each other, please do the best that you can to ensure that you, your wife & children always talk to each other (break the mould).

I could add more now, but am running out of steam.

People do care & want to understand....it's good that they haven't been there and have the understanding that we do.

I used to wonder 'why me'.... I suppose I could handle it a lot more than some other poor little kid off the street.... I'm still here!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#34622 - 04/04/05 04:53 PM Re: Who will ever understand?
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I understand your secret life. My wife was SA, but she deals with it by not dealing with it. When I go into therapy or tell my mother to stop driving me nuts, my wife can't figure out why I have to make such a big deal out of all of this. Why can't I just talk to my mother and drop it? Why do I have to make everything a relationship issue? I just stare at her wondering, How can I not? We are extremely close, but the SA and my family are just some things I keep to myself most of the time. She doesn't know about this web site. If she did, she'd probably get upset. Why am I talking to complete strangers on the Internet (evil) about stuff I should just forget about so I can move on? She was CSA. How does she do it? I don't understand her methods any more than she understands mine.

I do think there are a lot more of us out here that do understand than we care to imagine. The people who don't understand (my mother included) think, We already went through all of this! Why are we still talking about it? Like it goes away after a little chat. I finally told my mom that it's not going away. And until she stops acting like a cold mother and starts acting like a friend, we're going to have to take a break.

That was off the subject. Please know that you're understood here. And here it's OK to feel. We're with you. And if you can open the door just a crack, we'd be happy to get to know you. PM me anytime.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#34623 - 04/04/05 05:37 PM Re: Who will ever understand?
phoster Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
boy i know that silence. i grew up with no affection, no touching, kissing or hugging. it was perfectly sterile. no wonder when my abuser actually touched me it felt so strange and appealing. then i grew up living in my own secrete, silent world, never allowing anyone in. my ex tried to get inside, but i didnt let her, didnt know how really. my wife was abused too, but she is no more comfortable with true intimacy and affection than i am. the difference is i have come to know how screwed up it is to live in silence. i know there has to be life beyond that isolation. i know i need and deserve intimacy and affection. i know it is uncomfortable to be touched, and to let someone really inside, but i know i need to. i've invited my wife in time and again, but in the wrong way. now, i've asked her the right way, but she doesnt know how. my search for affection and intimacy to break that silence may destroy my marriage, but i know how wrong it is for me as a person to live that way. you too deserve more. you deserve someone to be an intimate part of you. you should have someone who is in your head, who knows when you hurt, and who breaks that silence. letting someone in is strange. it feels strange to let someone know the real inner you, and to share things you dont want. it is hard to let someone be intimate with you, but that is what healthy people do, non abused people. our abuse isolated us, and silence isnt the answer. it is comfy because it is familiar, but it isnt good for you. it robs you every day of feeling belonging, love and affection.

_________________________
compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

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#34624 - 04/07/05 06:10 AM Re: Who will ever understand?
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Thanks for your thoughts on this, guys. It's very helpful to see your insights into this.

Quote:
"Maybe, just like you, your family became dysfunctional through past events, and yet you yearn to get them back together."
I think that's a part of it....a piece of me still lives in denial, not wanting to believe my family is really this f*cked up. Yet today came another example. I had called my mother last night to tell her that we would be having a birthday party for my youngest daughter on Saturday, she's turning 10. My mother said o.k. last night, but today I got an e-mail saying "We're going to the lake Friday. I got Olivia a gift card. I'll mail it tomorrow. She should get it by Saturday."

So damn typical of her, they can't drag their lazy asses across town for 5 minutes to give it to her in person. I know what's really going on here, my mother is hacked off because I no longer am under her brainwashing control of doing whatever it takes to please her and she can't stand it. So, she taking it out on me, and now her grandchildren as well. But I'm not playing her games any more. I know what she's doing, and I'm not playing along. I sent back a curt e-mail that said "Ok. I'll let Olivia know."

Quote:
"If people in your family do not talk to each other, please do the best that you can to ensure that you, your wife & children always talk to each other (break the mould)." -- Rik
Rik, you are dead on right with that. I tell my wife and kids all every day, many times a day how much I love them. I hug them, love them, and am so damn determined that I'm not going to be the dyfunctional pieces of shit my parents were.

Quote:
"I do think there are a lot more of us out here that do understand than we care to imagine. The people who don't understand (my mother included) think, We already went through all of this! Why are we still talking about it? Like it goes away after a little chat. I finally told my mom that it's not going away. And until she stops acting like a cold mother and starts acting like a friend, we're going to have to take a break." -- Foreverfighting
My mother's attitude is, and I quote "You need to stop living in the past." Like she thinks I'm enjoying the shit rolling around in my mind or something. Again, that's typical of her, she has the attitude that I need to get over it and get back to serving her emotional needs.

Quote:
"the difference is i have come to know how screwed up it is to live in silence. i know there has to be life beyond that isolation. i know i need and deserve intimacy and affection. i know it is uncomfortable to be touched, and to let someone really inside, but i know i need to. " -- phoster
Very well put, phoster. I'm hoping to get beyond that as well, to where I will enjoy others company more than I do being alone. Even after 16 years of marriage, I still don't feel as close to my wife as I know I could be.

What a day. Thank you all for listening to my rant again this evening, it helps A LOT just to put it down in words and blow off some steam. My mother's emotional brainwashing of me is not going to continue, I've vowed that, and I will not let her try to return me to her emotional spouse, it's just not going to happen. Period.

_________________________
Eddie

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