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#34609 - 05/29/03 10:29 AM Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Oh well, another hour of my life wasted by looking at gay porn earlier this morning. I am not even gay. I DON'T want a boyfriend. I want to have a pretty wife! I want to see her pretty smile, I want to smell her perfume. I want to make love w her. I want to send her flowers. I want to be a father. I want to tell bedtime stories. I want to help w homework. I want to teach a (step)son how to play lacrosse or teach a (step)daughter how to play soccer. I want to clean up Legos. Hell, I would consider myself blessed to drive a mini-van!!!

But NOOOO !! I can't ever have my dream life bc/o this part of me which goes into some trance and takes me to places that at the time when I am looking at it seems to feel like I would get great pleasure from just being f*cked!! I have no damn idea what to do w the female genitalia. But apparently I am great at sucking d*ck ?! ...

I DON'T EVEN LIKE MEN! I HATE MEN!! MEN AREN'T SAFE!!!

If other people are gay and they find happiness in that, who am I to judge that? But I want SO much to be able to be w a pretty woman and to make her happy in bed.

What the hell is wrong w me ... am I fighting to Come Out to myself as a HETEROsexual ?!

I mentioned somewhere that I am studying gestalt therapy bc I need to be AWARE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT (?!) I HATE THE PRESENT MOMENT!!!
I WANT to be unaware!!!! I feel like I'm just a scared little 7y boy in an adult body! I didn't ask for this damnit! I was just a quiet, cute-looking kid who would have been anyone's friend. [fighting to not cry]

I WANT TO HAVE SOME HUGE THROWING SMASHING TANTRUM!!! but I can't. I want a pretty woman to just hold me and smooth my hair. I want to know that God is going to Punish that mother-f*cking priest ... NO, I WANT TO PUNISH THAT MIND-F*CKER, MYSELF!!!

I am sick. I am tired. I am sad. I am angry.
I am disgusted w myself bc I have a f*cking masters degree in social work and I don't know how to be happy.

enough for now.
[breathing heavy, need to settle down]
sonlite


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#34610 - 05/29/03 11:50 AM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
josephd Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 05/12/03
Posts: 23
Loc: US
Hi Sonlite,

Quite an intense post you had there, I can see many things that parallel to my situation. I understand totally your hatred of men, and I understand the frustration that you are feeling.

What I also see is that you are reaching a good point of self-awareness. By writing and sharing what you're feeling inside, you're recognizing things... which is very strong and very good. Be proud of that!

I like the idea of living in the present moment, I think that's a very healthy way for survivors to approach the struggle of daily life... if you can simply get through those moments, as difficult as it may seems, then you can build that confidence that you need to overcome. To move on from the past and enjoy a lovely future. Where you love yourself for who you are, where the demons aren't pulling you in every direction with their thoughts.

I read a good book a couple days ago called, "By the Rive Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept", by Paulo Coelho. It has this great theme of having what is known as the Other in your life. The Other represents the person who holds you back, instills fear, doesn't take risks, doesn't adventure, just protects you... with what you've always known. I think the Other in you is rearing it's ugly head quite often, trying to take over the goodness in your heart... literally speaking to you and pulling you away for the happiness you so deserve. I battle my Other everyday, this thing inside me that wants to self-destruct constantly. I'm just trying to put the Other in it's place now, and make my choices my own. It's a good read, he's a beautiful writer.

I support you Sonlite. I understand your struggle so intimately. Be strong and make it through the moments, and don't let the Other decide whats best for you... in your heart, it's there... I'm sure once in a while you can feel it.

love and support, your brother,
- JD

_________________________
"We will either find a way or make one."

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#34611 - 05/29/03 01:40 PM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sonlite
If I'd been paid by the hour while looking at gay porn I'd be rich by now.

And I felt exactly the way you do. The men didn't appeal to me one bit. Young, old, hunky, black or white. It didn't matter because the only thing I wanted was the actual sexual images ( blowjobs ) that I believed I 'needed' at the time.

And be honest, there's not that much variety in gay porn, unless you are gay and the guys appeal to you. But I bet you keep flicking through the images one after the other looking for the 'ultimate' picture ?
Ever find it ? - no, nor me. And masturbating to it is no better than anything else either !

For me a lot of the problem was 'putting myself down' because I subconciously knew that looking at it would give me a very, very brief kick followed by a long period of self loathing and disgust.
If something knocked me back a bit that was my answer to it - make myself feel worse because "that's all I'm good for"

I found that as I've recovered the need to do this has faded away to almost nothing. Once in the last year I think.
The other trick I used was to not feel bad about it after. I adopted an attitude of "oh well, it happened, forget it." and doing that took away the surrounding guilt as well.

I also took pride in any longer period between looking at porn. If I went a few longer then I concentrated on that and felt good about it.

And the only 'Masters' you need to be happy is the one that say's "wasted hour ? what hour ?"

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34612 - 05/29/03 10:46 PM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
I spent another hour today looking at the gay porn, but this time instead of just sitting there in a trance, I decided to embrace the experience. Which is to say that I started to pay attention to what attracted me to each image. Was it a particular guy's looks, was it a sexual position, was it the shape of their penises, did the image look like two people in love, what would I think about being in situations such as those I chose to look at? And other details as well. I guess you could say that I was following the Gestalt model and was making myself be PRESENT and AWARE of what I was doing instead of it being some mind-numbing drug.

I was able to accept the homosexual feelings w/out running from them. I also went to some gya personal ads and somehow felt at peace about being there bc I knew I wasn't going to initiate anything w anyone ... Kinda like how they say some people are scared of heights bc they are secretly scared of Jumping ... well I was able to explore the images and stuff and bc I know myself, I knew I was not going to 'jump' into anything w a man and that I was not going crazy.

And when I got bored from looking at stuff and mstrbted at the end of it, I did fantasize about being w a man but I felt ok about it, bc I had faced the issue instead of numbing myself to it. I then took a shower and had a pretty good rest of the day, in a pretty good mood. I never got to explore sexuality the way most normal teenagers and young adults do. So the way I am framing this for myself is that I am simply exploring what works and what doesn't and allowing myself the grace to enjoy my body.

Does that make any sense? Or am I way off track?

sonlite


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#34613 - 06/01/03 11:25 PM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
Well I followed the train of thought of "embracing or exagerating your symptoms" and was again looking at adult-personals on the internet and you know what?

I am fully burned out on looking at naked people. I didn't mstrbt this time either.

Yes, I was in that trance-like dissociated(?) state and just blankly staring, before the fever broke and I realized that this was stupid and that I want LOVE not just to "bang" someone (female or male).

I tried looking at the public library website on sexual compulsion/addiction books but ... They Were All Checked Out!!!

Comments? (good or bad)


sonlite


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#34614 - 06/02/03 02:33 AM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
one_day_at_a_time Offline
Member

Registered: 01/03/03
Posts: 42
Loc: North Carolina
OMG--I almost feel like crying!!
I cant believe this feeling that i have right now because sonlite I thought I was so alone. I didnt understand why I had this thing- for gay porn and thinking about penises in a sexual way--non-hetero that is. I never understood where this feeling came from because to me it was always never because of my abuse it was because of me--my brain found this really good way to forget about my abuse by simply blaming all of its effects on me. I was uncomfortable around guys because I was. I got turned on by gay porn because I was gay. I was so fuckin confused because I knew that I always like girls. And its so hard to even say that because I feel like I cant be comfortable in my own sexuality you know. When someone wrote about how they watched the gay porn and afterwards felt this sense of peace I really related because when I thought about it I realized that it had nothing to do with how attractive the men were it was simply because they were giving eachother blowjobs.

More and more I just find myself questioning everyrthing in my life. I am so tired of fighting this thing in my life. I wish that none of it never happened. I wish I was completely comfortable around guys and that I was equal. I wish that I didnt question every gesture that I do as gay or straight. I wish that I didnt always have problems with my sexuality. I am so sick how do you ever get through it???How???I dont know?? I know this post is real late but I have been doing nothin for the past few days but thinking about sexuality and masculinity and my abuse. I had to get up and find some refuge for me. Thank You for giving me that. If someone wants to respond with some inspiration please be my guest. Thank You all for everything youve done for me do far.
Be Strong
and I love you all for being the survivors that you and we are
MB

_________________________
I found God

now I just need to find myself

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#34615 - 06/02/03 10:50 AM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
sonlite Offline
Member

Registered: 12/11/01
Posts: 100
Loc: North Carolina
one_day_at_a_time:

Your response to my post was very honest and heart-felt. I was able to connect and feel the conflict and shame your words expressed. I noticed you included God in your signature line. I myself am trying to sort out God in all of this. I am active in my church and only a few people know of my s/abuse history. None of them know about my issues w struggling w sexuality. My church's stance on sex is hetero only, and only w/in marriage. So I keep my walk-through-Hell to myself.

FYI 1: I feel I need to stop here and clarify for other readers, that I myself do not judge anyone who is gay. In fact I interviewed for a position as a 'Christian' counselor one time and when I was told they wanted me to talk w teens struggling w their orientation, I said I was not their guy for that job. My heart goes out to people who have had to face the harsh judgementalism and abuse that homosexuals have endured. I know bc I was called 'faggot' and such all through school and was beaten up several x bc people thought that being a sensitive and quiet male made me gay and they punished me severly for it.

FYI2: It is not my intention to throw God into anyone's face or make anyone else feel uncomfortable. My life is a huge mess, i can't deny that or judge anyone else. I just wanted to follow up on a reply. I appologize if I messed up.

My point in telling you this is that I want to share w you a recent light-bulb moment I had.

ONLY GOD CAN MAKE ME HAPPY.

I myself still don't really know what that means as far as how I live out my day to day life. I get a sense that it means that I have been placing way too much emphasis and mental-fantasy energy on girlfriends or worrying about accepting the fact that I probably would enjoy some parts of sex w men. But sex won't make me happy. (whether w a man or a woman or by myself). Having the girl of my dreams as my wife won't make me happy. Even though in my mind I rehearse what I will say to her on dates and stuff. But daydreaming isn't real. Porn ISN'T real.

ONLY GOD CAN MAKE ME HAPPY

I JUST HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS
and Love Myself enough to make good choices.

thats all for now, I have to go live my day.

sonlite


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#34616 - 06/02/03 02:19 PM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
MB
You are not alone with your fantasies, that's a fact.

I struggled for more years than I care to remember with them, and the gay porn.
But I ain't gay ! I have no problem with those that are, I have to admit as well that the sex acts do have some pleasure. But as Sonlite points out, I don't love another guy and feel no attraction to any guy I've ever seen.

It's a purely sexual thing that is a distorted re-enactment of my abuse.
But that does take some seperating, and again Sonlites idea of looking at the porn, having the fantasy, and deconstructing it by thinking very hard about why it attracts us, what is it's appeal, do we actually fancy the guys, do the images show us how we would like to spend our lives ? all these thing we need to ask ourselves.
And if the answers are "NO" - then the reason we're looking at them must be something else ?

We have to seperate it down into parts we can manage. My first part was to realise that I have never ever fancied another guy. I had sex with them when my fantasies eventually led me to act out, but I never fancied one of them.

So I had to look elswhere for the answers, and I found that I was re-enacting my abuse.
I know it sounds simple and quick, but the reality was a lot of painful hard work and therapy over a period of 4 or 5 years. I'm still in therapy.
But the fantasies have no power over me now, I don't look at porn and I haven't acted out for over 4 years. But what's 4 or 5 years after all the crap we've put up with ? Very little. It's worth ever bit of effort I promise.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#34617 - 06/02/03 05:38 PM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
johnshea Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/10/03
Posts: 11
Loc: upstate NY
sonlite,
I thank you for the post.
I was actually on my way to the gay porn site, to experience the thrill and later the shame and disgust, and even later, when my wife wants to make love, to withdraw and feel like my dick is spent for the day. But I'm not going there now.I also am not gay, but I am bi.I like the idea of being with a man. But I used to think it was purely sexual, but I know now that it is not. I need to be involved emotionally with a man as well as with a woman. And frankly, I have the same intimacy problems with both. The porn site just dosen't have what I need and I was headed there because my wife is out of town so I wouldn't be dissapointing her afterwards, only myself. Again, thanks for the post, be strong. My kids are beyond legos but you can borrow them and take them to the skate park if you want.Take care.

Johnshea

_________________________
johnshea

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#34618 - 06/03/03 03:39 AM Re: Another Hour of My Life ... Wasted : *Triggers*
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Sonlite, and all who posted on this,

Thank you for articulating on this. It's tough stuff that I can relate to. I was married for 13 years, and about half of those years were pretty happy and good--including our sexual relationship. But my sexual confusion issues certainly contributed to our problems. So did my need to be "parented".

But I don't believe I am gay, and have never been sexual with a man. I believe that for me, it boils down to a certain kind of "longing" which was denied me, because I was brought up in a household of engulfing mother, 4 sisters, and my abusive dad, who I could not relate to, didn't love and didn't trust. I also ascribed that lack of safety to other males. So already, I was having that feeling of being disconnected from my own gender.

But since I was also sexually abused by my dad, it confuses my sexual response with that longing that I believe is, at it's heart, a "father" longing. I'm reading a book right now called "The Wild Man's Journey" by Richard Rohr. It goes deeply into men's issues and male spirituality. There is a chapter in this book about father hunger. I couldn't turn off my tears as I read this chapter. This goes to the very heart for me.

What's attractive about a hairy chest? To me it denotes something "fatherly" and "warm". The child in me wants the comfort and the affirmation, not the sex. But, of course, the pornographers understand that certain attributes can be sexually framed; that there is a certain brain/chemical reaction that happens, and they are only too quick to deliver the "quick fix"--to "sexualize", so as to get men hooked. My therapist tells me that it is the pornographers that have backed every technological advance on the internet. If one hook won't get you, then another one will.

To me, it's a call to some discipline to not "recreate" my abuse, and also to go deeper into what's really driving these issues of confused sexuality.

Thanks again, everyone who posted on this thread, and especially you, sonlite, for having the courage to bring this up. It's what makes MS so valuable to me. We are not alone in these feelings!

Rick


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