So, I'm new here and I'm looking for some advice/guidance. I've been married for 10 years to a recovering alcoholic/drug addict and have dealt with the countless relapses over the years. I have survived my husband's destructive behavior: putting our child in danger, putting himself in danger, having all of my jewelry stolen, and worst of all, the whittling away of my trust in our relationship. A couple of weeks ago, during one of his relapses, my husband blurted out to me that he had been abused by his father as a child. On one hand, I was stunned, and on the other hand, a whole lot of things are making sense: the relationship dynamic between he and his father (fear, always wanting acceptance), the years and years of destructive behavior through addiction, etc.

Our marriage at this point (as a result of his constant relapses and refusal to get help) is hanging on by a thread. He has been through rehab 3 times in his past, was clean and sober when we married and he's slipped back into complete denial.

I would do ANYTHING to help him get through this, but I'm afraid to address the abuse issue with him because I don't want to stir up those awful emotions for him. I'm at a complete loss, but want to save our marriage for me and our 2 young boys.

Hi Lulu.

It is good to hear that you are willing to help him get through all this. I think letting him know that you are there for him is a big support in itself. He has to accept processing the abuse at his own pace. But knowing you are there to support him will go a long ways to helping him through that processing. Is he open yet to seeing a therapist, or attending a support group?

Andy

Well, that's part of the problem....I know he needs to get into treatment with a counselor, but I'm not sure how to bring it up with him without it turning into an argument or having him resent me for bringing up the abuse issue.

I don't want it to come accross as an ultimatum, necessarily, but I am planning to have somewhat of an intervention with him this weekend because of the substance abuse, alone. As much as I don't want to have to ask him to move out, I know he won't change anything until there are some consequences.

Let us know how it gos.

Please remember though that you are a parent to 2 boys. They are entrusted to you and dependent to you for protection. If it appears in their best interest, you need to cut him loose. One of the biggest things is his willingness to see that he does need help. In many surveys, even those that characterize abuse as a positive experience are at high rates of drug and alcohol abuse.