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#345984 - 11/22/10 05:41 AM confusion,ngihtmares and anger
Tanis2105 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/16/10
Posts: 47
Loc: SW Florida
Iím so damn angry at myself because Iíve come to realize that I am just as bad as the son of a bitch that molested me and it took a nightmare for it to sink in. Iím use to waking up in a sweat almost daily do to nightmares but tonight it was so different so real. People were beating and yelling at me calling me a monster saying I hurt some children. I woke in a panic yelling, screaming to the point of making myself ill.
How many other children have I allowed this man to hurt because I was too much of a coward to tell? Why didnít I fight him? Why did I keep going back? How could I have allowed this man to keep doing this to me and most likely others? Why why why.

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsnCq24hu9w

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#345994 - 11/22/10 08:47 AM Re: confusion,ngihtmares and anger [Re: Tanis2105]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1626
Loc: Minnesota
Hi tanis
Welcome if I haven't said so already- and thanks for posting what is going on with your awakening ( in moremways than one).

I hope you can get some feedback from men on this-I was thirty some years removed from my abuse so telling authorities wasn't an answer for ms. In fact I did report the man (unknown to me) who approached me five years after my csa and told about my older brother and him "messing around". I never connected it with my csa until after my brother died last year.

I hope u have a therapist and some good guidance to walk u through the right thing to do now, today. I don't know how long ago this was but I know men here have dealt with the same issues.

Listening to our gut-even when it wakes us up in dreams-is part of reclaiming our lives. Reach out for help here-ok?

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

ďIt doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346000 - 11/22/10 10:47 AM Re: confusion,ngihtmares and anger [Re: Mountainous Buck]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Tanis,
It is not your fault in any way that this guy abused you. The reaction of keeping silent is normal. Its very complicated It took you 30 years to find us I suspect thats how long it took you to be able to deal.
Anyway just as you are not responsible for your abuse you are not responsible for anyone elses. Yes if you told you may have prevented someone else from being abused. But that is not a certainty, and your not being responsible for anothers behavior, an adult compared to your child, is certain.

Don't beat yourslef up. And maybe it is that the dream is telling you its time to report him now. Talk to your T about how to do it so that you don't aggrivate your own problems. ANd remember he is the only one responsible for what he did to anyone.



Edited by kidneythis (11/22/10 10:48 AM)
_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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