I have been reading the posts and have entered chat some over the past couple of weeks. I want to share my experience too so not to feel like I am not sharing equally. I have written and re written this first line trying to get myself to the point where I can start actually telling my story. First of all I am one of many children. Both my parents where married before they married each other and in both cases they each had 4 children. So when I was born there were 4 half brothers and 4 half sisters in my family. Most of them did not live with us. Although some would enter my life from time to time. Primarily the eldest of my half brothers lived with us for years. He was the person who introduced me to the world of sexual behaviour.
I don't remember life before he was in it. My earliest memories he is present in, actually a primary character in most. He was quite a bit older than myself. I was 5. He was in high school. As any normal teenager he didn't want have anything to do with me at first. But he started being asked to baby sit. I remember how it all started. He and I were home alone and he put in porn and was watching it. I didn't understand at the time what was going on in the film but i knew it was wrong that was watching it since it was quite obviously a grown ups only movie. He told me it was okay that he wouldn't tell on me for watching it. Then he took out his penis and started to masturbate.
This went on for some time before he had me start to take my clothes off when he would watch porn and masturbate. eventually he decided to show me how big boys watch porn and took my hand and held it to his penis and controlled my hand in stroking him. More time passed and he decided he wanted me to take his penis. I remember he had me lick it then decided I needed more and pushed it in my mouth. I remember my jaw hurting as i struggled to open my mouth wide enough because he had warned me what would happen if my teeth touched.
Eventually he decided to have me play a new game pretending to be grown ups. Preparing me for the future he told me. He had us both undress and lay in bed next to each other. He asked me what I thought grown ups did at that point. When i did not know he got angry and told me I was stupid and I started to cry and told him i wanted to be smart. He said it was alright and he would teach me. He laid me on my stomach and put his penis between my butt cheeks and started to thrust. Eventually I felt something wet on my back and he told me i needed to take a bath before my mom came home. This was when it started to get bad.
This type of thing became normal behaviour anytime we were alone. Which happened a lot. He started finding reasons and ways for us to be alone aside from baby sitting. Like taking me to the store and then driving into a area that was being cleared for building a neighbourhood or taking me to school in the morning and getting there way before anything started. He also had access to a friends mobile home whose parents were almost never there. So when he knew no one would be there sometime he would take me there. I guess he needed to up the thrill for himself at one point and took me to this friends house when the friend was there. They got totally stoned. He had the friend watch as I performed oral sex on him. This happened several more times before he asked the friend if he wanted a turn. The friend said yes and i did as i was told. One night he took me to a party where many of his friends where. He got some of them in a room with me and had me take my clothes off. He then had me lay down. He knelt by me and dragged his genitals across my face and then started slapping my mouth with his erect penis. I remember his friends laughing at it.
This was what it was like until my mother finally kicked my brother out when was about 7. Not long after that we got a new neighbour. He was really great. He always wanted to play with me. He would take me riding on his four wheeler with him. He got water guns and other toys for me to play with with him. He even got me a TV for my birthday. He was about 29. I was 9. Then I started sleeping over at his place. And eventually in his bed. I have only started to remember the abuse from him.
We moved to another town then. And I put all these events into a box and shelved it in the deep recesses of my mind. Totally forgotten. The summer before I turned 13 my brother from my past returned to my life. He was moving with his family to our town. His wife and kids went away for about a week to finish getting their things while he stayed behind to find a house and a job. He stayed in my room during that time. One night He woke me up and told me to perform oral sex on him. I said no and he told me to just taste it. I didn't want to so he said he would get me in trouble if I didn't. So I performed oral for a while. Then asked if i could stop because my jaw hurt. He said yes but we were no finished. He pulled my pants off and laid me on my stomach he said if I woke anyone up he would kill me. And he raped me. When he finished he told me if I told anyone he would kill me. For years I didn't.
My earlier abuse started to return to my memory and I started having flashbacks about my childhood a few years ago. There is still a lot missing. There is some question in my mind whether i repressed the early childhood abuse before or after the later rape. Ultimately i suppose it make little difference. I am working on my PTSD and associated depression with my therapist and psychiatrist. Soon I will start EMDR treatment as well. I am happy to have my partner who has been patient and supportive through this process. It is not easy and I know far from over but i am determined to keep working through it.
Thank you all who read this and i am open to discussion.