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#34577 - 11/15/03 09:09 PM Being used?
zoltin Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
Man, I'm glad this board is here.

Last weekend, I had the first date I had in a year. We met in an online service and she lives about 90 miles from me. We talked for 2 hours that went by pretty fast, about all kinds of things. I thought we hit it off real well. Just a coffee date, hug when we met and when we parted. She was honest and told me that there was a man who lives 300-400 miles from here. She has been on and off with him for 4 years. She had wanted him to move here to Illinois to be near her and he keeps backing out.

I called Wenesday night to make a date for this weekend. She thought she would be free this Sunday if her Saturday plans came off OK and it didn't rain. So it didn't rain near me and I thought, great, I'll see her again. She called this afternoon and said she couldn't make it, but it was because the other (4 year) guy was coming suddenly. She asked if she could call me later and I said sure, please do. I have nothing to be jealous about.

Now my own crazy thinking has me wondering if maybe she let Mr. 4 Year know she had a date and now he's riding down here to protect his interest or make his next big pitch. Maybe a total projection on my part. It wouldn't be the first time such a thing has happened, and certainly not the first time for me. What the hell? And if he fails to convince her, would she chase me to a commitment? This feels crazy. I almost called her back, but NO, NO!

I like this woman. We may not even have a lot in common, but I really wanted to get to know if we did or not. Does anyone have these kinds of thoughts? Does it have to do with being SA'd? My mother played all kinds of seduction/castration games with me and I may be suspicious of women. Maybe I need to lighten up. Is this even on topic?

AAAGGGGHHHHHHH!
RickB


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#34578 - 11/15/03 10:03 PM Re: Being used?
Green Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/13/03
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC, NY
Zoltin,

I can't comment on your specific situation, but, as I go through therapy, it amazes me how often I bring my abusive mother into my relationships.It also amazes me how blantantly I do it.

Green


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#34579 - 11/16/03 01:35 AM Re: Being used?
zoltin Offline
Member

Registered: 10/13/03
Posts: 37
Loc: Southern Illinois
Thanks, Jeff. You are validating some stuff and pointing out stuff that I hadn't thought of. I really do want to give her the benefit of the doubt. If she does not call, though, I'm writing her off. And my T Jake says that the person who is less interested is in control. Like what your psychologist told you. And
Quote:
frantic to make a connection
may be quite appropriate to my present state. I've had a number of rude events this past week and am not feeling the greatest. In fact, I am going to see my doctor this coming week if I don't get ANYTHING else done. I had some "practice" last year with a couple of women whom I dated briefly. Both from AA. I have now sworn off women in AA unless they have been sober a very long time. But in both cases, I did not get very involved and ended both with minimal hurt to me. Neither would have worked out, I'm sure. I don't even know if this is on topic. Yes, Green, my mother is always in this mix, though less so now than used to be. The last SERIOUS relationship I was in, she told me that my mother's presence was all around me. And she would smoke pot and abuse me until I was in tears. I broke up with her three years ago, after suffering serious harm. And I shouldn't EVEN be around pot and all my AA buddies asked what the hell was I doing. But I got away from her before I used. But not before going into a deep depression. Now I feel strong enough not to need to work out that crazy stuff with my mother with another woman. I have learned to listen to that small voice of intuition. I don't even know what's wrong, but I can hear that voice, so I listen. And you guys are helping a lot.

Thanks for listening,
RickB


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