confused. i read stuff here about whats the cutoff age for kid vs adult and i dont get it lol i mean when i was 15 before shit went down i felt more like an adult then a kid even though people treated me more like a kid, but then after it happened i felt more like a kid and less like an adult, and I guess one reason that I blame MYSELF is cuz before it happened I wanted so so so sooooooo bad to be treated like an adult. then I was. and it fuckin sucked. Sometimes i can say i was just stupid and clueless then other times I can say i knew Xactly what was going on. SO guess im saying at 15 i knew some shit, not everything but some about girls and sex and all that, least I thought i knew about stuff, then after it was like I didnt know anything anymore. I dont know. IT all confused the hell outta me and it changed me bigtime everything was different after that. Feel like a big dummy saying this here.

actually travis...

in some things i can understand it being related to the abuse but in other areas it's typical teenager/adult behavior and/or thoughts...

a lot of teenagers go through the "i want to be treated like an adult" thoughts. they push the boundaries and so on. most teenagers also have the mentality they already know it all and they're invicible, alive and feel they should be treated like an adult...

well... i'm almost 40 now and i'm realizing every day, constant reminder life likes to throw at me, that i really didn't know everything back then and i was really still a kid... i keep being reminded by life that my folks ACTUALLY did know what they were talking about and i was stupid for not listening to them... but that's all a part of learning lessons in life...

i sometimes think that is more of a rite of passage in a way...???...??? not sure... seems most teenagers go through that...

however, i also understand how issues with abuse gets thrown into the mix as well... for instance, with me during my teenage/early 20's i was a really angry person. got upset all the time, never happy, angry at the world, angry at myself, didn't trust anyone, didn't trust myself.... i literally did not care about anything, anyone or myself.. i did not care if i lived or died..... really sad state to be in...

i now realize that most of that was due to my csa issues.. and i'm glad i survived through that period... many many years of senseless things i did.

personally, i think it's a mix of both... typical teenager/20's behavior and csa issues.... i could be wrong... just a thought..

todd

Thank you Travis, for sharing your insecurities and confusion, I am honored by your trust.

Abuse\assault is brutal, and the effects, the physical, emotional and psychological on the sufferer are massive.

Todd has a good point, that the teenage years are their own obstacle. The abuse, the assault, is like a meteor on your way to a fire, as a firefighter. It creates a catastrophe while trying to make it through an emergency.

How does one minimize and manage this?
By expressing every thought, every feeling and every shame. This is not inclusive to negative thoughts, because survivors need positive moments to look back and lean on.

Practical application? Keep posting! 37 so far! Excellent! It accomplishes two things. Posting\sharing expresses the emotions and exposes them to reason, both from you and the survivors here.

2) What happened was unavoidable. Abusers\attackers have opportunity and access, and they prey upon those variables. You are NOT responsible for the pain and hurt you feel. You ARE responsible for your recovery.
Feel the support and love given to you by your brothers here, take that into your hurt, and let it sink in. Dwell on the positive feelings of self love and care you are finding here.

3) Reach out to others, support and encourage them, when you are able.

Add to what you know to be safe and reasonable, the "hard evidence", discard the negative feelings, no matter how strong. Go to a Weekend of Recovery... just go.

Sam