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#345539 - 11/17/10 01:44 PM Cutting Ties
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I finally realized what people are getting-at when they try to talk me into finding fake smiles and acting like life is fine with regard to losing my children over a satanic wife's reaction to CSA. It's almost a "get over it" assertion so many of CSA survivors hear all too often. The other one I love is "the kids will do fine...they'll adjust." Yeah...I realized today what they are talking about.

In order to survive the loss of all you have that's good and decent and wonderful in this world is to cut emotional ties. I watch my children "adjusting." They are not adjusting...they are cutting emotional ties with me.

This must be the source of so much of my pain. I'm not willing to cut emotional ties with my children. I'm not willing to drink the fucking koolade and "adjust" my children into oblivious acquaintances.

Its all too horrific for me.

#345542 - 11/17/10 02:45 PM Re: Cutting Ties [Re: Still]
kevinkr Offline

Registered: 10/20/10
Posts: 25
CSA is similar to alcoholism in that our significant others are as affected as we are and THEY need counseling also. And we didn't get off to a real good start in the relationship arena coming from what/where we did. One more thing robbed from us.

I went through what you are going through, and it hurts like hell. I went the Bob Dylan route "I am a rock" for many years.

Everytime I had my kids for a weekend, I cried all the way home after dropping them off. I understand why some fathers won't even SEE their kids, hurts too damn much.

Now, they are grown, out of college and on their own. I rarely hear from them. THAT still hurts today.

There's a saying from AA. "Let go let God" I think that applies here. I know, empty words and cliches sound meaningless. But, you have to take care of you first, or we are no good to anyone.

I give you a cyber hug, all fathers here, it is not an easy road we have. I had lost everthing I had in life in 1996, and it's been a VERY slow road back, 2 steps forward, one step back. Still is. BUT it is worth it, digging through the pain and emotions.

Most here, I am reasonably certain, have "dual diagnosises". I have several. And our ex and current sig. others also have issues. I can see in your words, your ex does.

I have finally emailed and called my boys and said "Ok the ball's in your court" and I will not call/write again. I have to let go.

Otherwise, it tears me up too badly. I am truly sorry you are going through this. All i can say is, there is help out there, counselors, support groups in most communities.

Don't give up. Life is too precious. And we all have something to offer victims that haven't even come forward yet. That to me, is my life now. If my kids do not understand, I wish them happy lives.

#345595 - 11/17/10 08:54 PM Re: Cutting Ties [Re: kevinkr]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA

I so understand what your saying. You stated that you don't want your kids to be just "acquaintances".

I know how this hurts. After I divorced my wife in 1990 she remarried and he adopted them. Long Story but it came down to being 1,100 miles away from them and $100,000 short.

Me kids are truly distant from me but they will NEVER be just acquaintances. I KNOW in my heart and soul that they are miserable from the abuses of their mother. I also know in my heart and soul they "long" for a stronger connection to me.

I know your a good dad and you love your kids. I know they love you as well. NO matter what you will always be your kids daddy.

Please do NOT drink the koolaide as I will miss you. You are the 1st dad I have met who is like me.

5 weeks ago, I realized my kids - who are adults now - are living and have been living their own lives. I also realized in my mind, by protecting them I was protecting myself from the abuse I suffered when I was a boy.

I am getting help because I want it. I have been able to reclaim more of what Donnie needs.

You are a good man and I call you my friend,

Edited by Avery46 (11/17/10 08:55 PM)
aka DJsport

#345617 - 11/18/10 01:58 AM Re: Cutting Ties [Re: Avery46]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Robby and Avery and everybody,

The thing about csa (child sexual abuse) is that it poisons our concept of ourself.

This seems to be a key ingredient. We could give it other names like shame, etc. But having been abused colors our whole idea of who we are.

This in turn poisons our relationships with others. They sense that we seem to have that leprosy which csa has afflicted us with and they keep their distance.

The way out is to get lots of therapy. It's cheap if it helps to reconstruct your self image. I frequently see reports now about how wounded veterans routinely get $100,000 spent on reconstructing a limb. I know the US Govt. is paying for a lot of that but my point is: It's worth the effort to reconstruct your hurting part.

Find ways to be with healthy people. I play in a bunch of music organizations. None of them is very great but I just throw my effort in and it puts me with other people and I'm in a service role and so they accept me as such.

Find people who can help you. Read books on abuse. Read lots of stuff and not just about abuse. Don't read depressing stuff. Listen to talk shows about abuse and other stuff. The idea is to change your bad thinking patterns.

When people sense that you have a new way of seeing yourself, they will come back to you. And/or you will get new friends. There are lots and lots of people out there and we don't really have to be isolated.

It's not the power of positive thinking at all. It's finding out who you really are. It's finding the truth and discarding the lies we have been told about ourself. It's changing our concept of who we are from a lie to the truth.



#345637 - 11/18/10 08:58 AM Re: Cutting Ties [Re: pufferfish]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Thank you for your comments and feedback Donnie, Kevin and Allen. Though I have an ice-pick stuck through my heart today, its a truly good thing to know I'm not alone and someone gives a flying fk about just another broken family and shattered children.

I had the kids over-night for my Wednesday visit. Holy Mother of God...I have "Wednesday VISITS" with my children.

Homework was done as soon as we got home.
We went out to a nice restraint, went to Walmart and got crazy in the arcade. We bought T-shirts with funny graphics...made-up new funny greetings for the doorway greeter. Went back to my shit-hole apartment and watched TV, snuggled and laughed at "Everybody Hates Chris." We ate junk-food and compared stories of school now vs. when I was a kid...played with their pet white rats that live with me.

Sounds like a fun night rich with love and engagement right? It was. So what's wrong?...We did that all the f-ing time before I was betrayed by the woman who took vows to never do that to me... Before I was hurled from my own house like a Frisbee by Sheriffs...before childhood events made me a non-person in her eyes and lies...Before the court (believing solidly in the CSA myths ruled)...before...

Now I won't see them for two solid weeks. And now the dark side of this case wants to take my week of Christmas vacation from me and the kids because the whore's mother is dying for the 78th time.

I see it now so clearly. Emotional detachment is a survival element. Its f-ing toxic waste, but itís a necessary evil of survival. This is what betrayal and abandonment brings a family when a self-centered bitch loses her mind. Fk it all...just fk it.

Disclosure went exactly how I feared it would go.


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