My husband often rejects me sexually. Or we will be going to have sex and he can't. It bothers me. I do take it personally. I believe that it is me he doesn't want, that he doesn't find me at all attractive. It has lowered my self esteem to nothing. I am embarrassed for him to even look at me now.

Why is it that he can masterbate, no problem getting hard, or he can look at porn, look on the internet for sex, no problem, but with me there is a problem. If the problem is not with me personally?

I read on here that we a spouses should not take it personally, but how many times can you be rejected and not let it bother you?

Please don't flame me, this is a very big problem in my marriage.

I watched the Dr. Oz program today, which I have only done once before. They had a segment on couple's functioning in bed. I thought it was quite good. A number of positive things were mentioned.

The methods promoted on Dr. Oz's program seemed helpful.
Couples today think of sexual activity as 100% coitis. The ideas came in part from a female ob-gyn Dr. in San Francisco. The solutions mentioned on the program all advocate methods other than coitus for sexual fulfillment in marriage after these difficult stages intervene. On the program they rattled off a bunch too quickly. They recommended that the husband must become active in some of the household chores so that the wife can have more time and energy. They said that she would actually be sexually stimulated by seeing that her guy has helped out with the household chores.


Allen

pufferfish

This is going to sound crazy but the reason your husband rejects you is probably the opposite of how you are perceiving it. When he masturbates to porn, there is no emotional connection and so it's easy for him to finish. When you two want to be intimate, he most likely feels a lot of pressure to "perform" sexually and still feels shame from his past abuse and may even wonder if he is being abusive towards you. A lot of times, survivors have unhealthy boundaries, have trouble saying no to sex, get triggered easily by seemingly harmless things, and other factors that make sex difficult. Since your husband loves you, he is probably anxious about you hurting him, since he was most likely abused by someone he loved and trusted...in other words, being close to someone reminds him of past abuse. I have found the book "The Sexual Healing Journey" by Wendy Maltz helpful for recovery issues specific to attitudes about sex and how to have a healthy, satisfying sex life after sexual abuse or assault. Good luck!

I don't mean to hijack your thread. I do have a problem with the statement of "get triggered easily by seemingly harmless things".

How to word this?? Maybe this comment wasn't thought out before it was said?

If they were so harmless then why do many of us get so triggered by them? To an outsider that may appear to be harmless but to a survivor there maybe a threat of safety. Triggers can put us in harms way also. I'm guessing your not a survivor and have no idea what it feels like to be triggered. Guess where I have the problem is your coming across as if triggers are just made up or aren't that big of a deal when they are for us. I realize the F&F forum is for Friends and Family but there are some survivors that read this forum too. I think some consideration to how survivors here feel should be considered when posting. Just my two cents on the subject.

Andy

I give up. I honestly and truly want to give up on this board entirely...

I define "seemingly" to mean something that appears a certain way but is not necessarily the way things are. In other words, a seemingly harmless thing that would trigger an abuse survivor may APPEAR harmless to someone who has not experienced abuse, but in actuality the triggering thing IS harmful for the survivor.

Another example would be that I am seemingly not a survivor myself, meaning that to you, I don't appear to be sympathetic or understanding or compassionate, but the fact is that I AM a survivor of sexual and emotional abuse by many perpetrators and I am trying to work out my own issues as well as help my partner who happens to be a male survivor of multiple and very severe forms of abuse.

I'm frankly exhausted today, stressed out and not in the mood to argue what was supposed to be a helpful bit of advice to a fellow supporter. If I come across as harsh, I apologize but I am seriously sick and tired of taking close to an hour every time I want to post something on this board, in order to peruse every word and phrase I type, lest someone take offense to it.

I feel your frustration, DE, this is very difficult for you as a supporter.

*Your post cries feelings of rejection and abandonment.
*Your husband is not intimate nor sexually supportive to your needs.
*This is causing tension and stress in your relationship. *Finally, your needs are not being addressed.

The last one first...

*DE, get help. Talk this out, here in F&F, to a trusted friend, or to a counselor. This has nothing to do with you as a person, and may be about the anxiety and fear that he has from his abuse.
Feelings of rejection may be due to the perspective that marriage mates are entitled to sex. That is a mistake. Like a physical condition, mental disorders can create a "block" so that the survivor only "performs" in certain settings.

Is marriage defined by a sexual scale only? What are other rewards that can be had in this arrangement? Can he show his attraction and acceptance in other ways that are valuable to you? Consider these and talk to him.

*Stress and tension in your marriage.
You may be worried that he is abandoning you, so you react by pressuring him for answers, verbal, physical, emotional. It may be that you want him to speak endearingly of you, and to connect again as he may have in the past. You may need to understand his perspective...
What is his issue? Is it not the inability to reach out in a sexual way, due to overwhelming trauma in his life? His inner child is terrified because his past trauma is still present to him.

So, may I ask, what is your perspective? Is there trauma in your past that you need to manage in order to support this wounded man? Seek counsel and help to alleviate your presenting symptoms.
To repeat to him the words you have chosen to use here, unless they are done in the context of healthy exchange, not confrontation, would further open the gap. The two outcomes could be, that yes, he does validate you, and by doing so, submits and reinforces the past abuse. The other, he withdraws further away. Consider your long term goals.

Byrom Katie has a intuitive video on "I thought you were supposed to love me." Here, http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=8881030990688571178#
In it she describes the co dependent pleas of a husband and what he expects of his wife. Byrom goes on to help him find his inner strength. Please... watch this.

*Your husband is not intimate nor sexually supportive to your needs.
Trauma on the scale of torture was inflicted on him, abusing him in a very humiliating way.
It is a testament to your marriage that he is able to feel and express this abuse now, as abuse memories can come out when the general life of a survivor is calm and supportive enough to consider it.
He is reliving the trauma, and he may be using the coping mechanisms he has used for years to try and bury the intense emotions, pornography and masturbation.
He is reliving the sexual abuse, he will need much time to express and manage those emotions. You seem in it for the long haul, understand it and be patient.

*Feelings of rejection and abandonment
These can be self support discrepancies in one's own personality. Find ways to support yourself, because he is unable to currently.

Sometimes, the loss of our comfort destabilizes the best in us.
Please forgive my rash comments,

Peace and self care.
Sam

Guys, again I don't mean to be harsh, but why on Earth do you read the posts by friends and family, knowing full well that something said could trigger, offend, or otherwise bother you? This is the section for friends and family, meaning that not all of us are well informed regarding sexual abuse and its effects on boys and men especially. I honestly didn't see anything in the original post that sounded offensive. It sounds like this woman is at a loss as to what she should do about her husband's lack of a sex drive and she wants to know how to help him and try not to take rejection in the bedroom personally. Not only did she get flamed for posting, but I also got flamed for my response to her.

If the friends and family section bothers you in any way, why read the posts here? That would be like a survivor new to recovery going into the survivor stories section and reading every single story there in one night, and then wondering why he had nightmares all night or had flashbacks or was very triggered by the de>

You actually do make a very good point about reading the friends and family section. After some thought and reading your reply, maybe I was harsh myself and a bit critical of you. I'm sorry about that. I think that maybe I was sensitive and over reacted about the comment made because of my own past. Obviously I have some issues I need to work on and will address this in time. You do have valid points and I hope you continue to post here. I wish I had some advice as to the original subject of the post but I don't. Anyways, no more flaming and back to the subject at hand.

Andy

All I'm gonna say is, I agree with many things Lavinia is saying.

All right, no harm done I hope. We're all under a lot of stress I think, and it's best not to take anything too personally. I'm sorry if I came across as really mean-spirited. I'm really not like that in real life; I'm just dealing with a ton of stressful stuff right now.

Peace and goodnight, all.