First,

Let me explain that I am NOT informed at all, and am seeking information about how ASA is different as it relates to the trauma a victim undergoes as an adult in a sexually abusive attack than a child.

ASA survivors have expressed feelings of separation as to the recovery of ASA versus the recovery of sexual abuse, in any context.

I wish to support the recovery of my ASA brothers,

Sam

For me the actual act of the ASA, was more traumatic as it happened when I was actually more aware of what was happening.

As a man compared to a child, I was more into the act as I put myself in the situation - although I had no idea of their violent intent.

I had a harder time connecting emotionally to the abusive part.

I am able to forgive little Donnie more than the adult Donnie.

Donnie

Thank you, Donnie,

As a child, therefore, one may not be in control, to be responsible, but as an adult, while the same is true, that is more difficult to process.

Even though adults can be overwhelmed, attacked and controlled, the thought that one can allow sexual abuse to be perpetrated can call into question the power of a man, and with that, a myriad of questions about the abuse in the mind of a mature, adult male.

That must so difficult to bare, Donnie, thank you for sharing your pain with me, I am honored.

Peace and self care,
Sam

ASA and CSA are more alike than they are dissimilar. Neither experience should ever happen and while it is often hard for me to relate to some of the concerns that people with CSA seem to have, I always try to understand where they are coming from & their experiences are still more like mine than say, someone who wasn't abused.

Some men who were abused as adults didn't have a 'dysfunctional' childhood. My parents were both good parents who gave me the love, structure and enrichment a young boy needs as he is growing up. They weren't perfect, but they were "pretty good."

I can't speak for all ASA victims but I have a hard time understanding the sex addiction/ same sex attraction thing. Since most guys have already figured out their sexual preferences by the time they reach adulthood, from what I've observed here, the whole SSA thing doesn't seem as common (Correct me if I'm wrong).

I don't really know what I'm talking about and I'm really just figuring out this whole "surviving ASA" thing as I go along.

I don't think I have an inner child. I think instead I have a grown man inside who has been buried under all the filth of what happened to me. I worked so hard to build who I was. You can make it to adulthood in one piece and still have your manhood shattered--emotionally AND physically.

since my abuse happened while I was a married man, there is this picture of our marriage BEFORE my abuse, and then there is the marriage AFTER abuse. It is hard to explain, but I really do feel bad for my wife. I'm not the man she married. I'm not able to be there for her like I used to. Often women get married and then find out their husbands are CSA victims. But trust me, it is so different when the abuse happens while you are married at the time of abuse. When a married man is abused, his wife is abused, too. I can't tell you how much guilt I still live with, worrying that somehow, I cheated on my wife.

I have not had sex with her yet post-abuse, but I'm afraid the marriage bed has been corrupted. We built a beautiful life together but that life just isn't the same anymore.

Both CSA and ASA affect your sense of masculinity, your sex life, your relationships and your mental health, but I think the difference is... CSA interrupts a young boy's life during a time when a lot of psychological growth is happening. Your worldview hasn't formed completely. You haven't figured out how to live on your own. ASA happens to men who are living on their own. While no one truly ever stops growing, adult men have a more mature outlook on life and there comes a point where your sexuality can be considered as-is. I finished college & went to grad school and had a career. I had a wife. I became a father. Now, the question is... who am I in the context of what happened to me?

This is good information, Pete, thank you.
The trauma of ASA is extreme and emotionally "freezing". A grown, vital, mature man, in his prime, can be attacked, and conquered.
ASA survivors made it through the infant, childhood, tween years, teens, and young adulthood. You find love, driver's license, vehicle ownership, freedom, graduation, higher education, apprenticeships and so on... and then, after maybe settling down into a career, partnership and maybe children, the white picket fence... an attacker perpetrates a most damaging and traumatic event.
This event(s) shatters the ideal of protection, security and ability, then, the post stress creates a dissociative cognition that allows fear to continue to perpetrate the victim.


Fidelity in a marriage, or partnership, is more than the sum of the parts of the union. So when that fidelity is perpetrated against, and the body betrays the man, by reacting to the abuse, ASA survivors have to contend with the traditional view of marriage and unions. The questions of fidelity must haunt the ASA survivor well into recovery.


The abuse damages the outlook of a confident man, as he contemplates the next 10, 15, or 60 years. He sees it as unchangeable, as ideal. The attack calls almost every foundation and the current status quo into question, but the questions are covered in fear and uncertainty.

Thank you, Pete, for allowing me a look into your struggle. You honor me with your sharing.

Peace and self care, find the safety in you, as you have found it in MS and in your marriage.

Sam

This is all really confusing 2 me

It takes patient, and time, Travis,

The experiences and sharing can be heard, and the definitions can be researched and understood, but what is so evasive about abuse and recovery is that emotions are involved.
These emotions inhibit the mind's ability to assimilate the understanding of the definitions.

Be patient with yourself and your recovery, Travis. You are in the right place, at the right time, and you are accepting training to become revitalized, refreshed, solid, and stable.

Sam

I GET what you are saying but its not that. but i dont wanna say here cuz it aint my post so ill put it somewhere else. thanks bro

Excellent, Travis, I look forward to your post.

Thank you ASA survivors, for the space and time on this post.
Please, continue to define ASA as it disables and the recovery that renews the sufferer.

"Understanding and reason are the vaccinations to the virus that keeps good men low."
Time for an inoculation, my brothers, for all of us.

Sincerely,
Sam

Sam,

I appreciate your seeking a better understanding of those who have been assaulted as adults. I think Peter stated a lot of what first came to my mind. For me I believe that there are core truths to any type of abuse whether the victim/survivor is male, female, a child, a teen or an adult. But I also believe that there are some differences for all as well.

You mentioned the word treatment and I would like to basically address that. It comes down to perspective for me. On a basic human level the core truths of sexual abuse and the effects are evident no matter the gender or the age of the victim/survivor. But research shows that the male and female perspectives are different on many levels. The same would hold true for a female child and a female adult. When it comes to the abuse of boys and the assaults of men that same thought on mental perspectives comes into play. I think it is quite logical that my perspective as an assaulted young adult was quite different than that of an abused boy. It does not remove the commonalities we share in our abuse nor the bonds of brotherhood. But those unique perspectives do need to be addressed by therapists, authors and treatment centers. Otherwise they are simply not connecting fully with the clients they serve.

Even simple verbage can cause me to connect or disconnect with what I am reading. I prefer the term assault over abuse. It defines my experience far better from my perspective.


Daryl