i must be out of my fucking mind doing this and im gonna regret it cuz i dont want people to know but u know what, people HAFTO know cuz theres just NO where left to go from here. wrote this for my dad and gave it to him yesterday. wtf was i thinkin right? its long and gross. sorry bout that.
DAD i know you dont wanna hear it or talk about it but you have to know some stuff. I dont wanna make you hurt or feel bad or feel like ur a bad parent cuz you werent. But I hafto say some things to u that since this thing happened w uncle john youve made me feel like shit, u make me feel like it was all my fault and like i wanted it to happen, almost like as if i went out there to visit him cuz i knew he would hurt me u know how crazy that sounds?. Its SO not true dad SO NOT TRUE, u have NO idea how much all this has fucked me up in my head, how bad they hurt me in my body and in my brain. I know u look at me like im wastin my life and i promise u i dont wanna waste my life but they took so much away from me its just so hard to find it again so hard to remember what i used to want and who i used to B so hard to even wanna be anything or anybody. Cuz i feel like a NOBODY, i feel worthless and i feel useless and i feel wierd all the time and im soooo ashamed all the time i just go around like a shell with nothing left in it, i know its hard for u to understand how it all changed me i know u want me to just get over it i know u cant look at me in the eye or trust me, well its hard for me to look at u too dad cuz im ashamed of what happened of what i LET happen. after i say this u might never wanna look at me again. I think i digust you, but i dont know why. Dad please know i love u and ma ok? Dad all the SICK fuckin shit they did to me they FORCED on me. I swear to u i NEVER wanted anything like that to happen. Im gonna go graphic here, i dont wanna but i feel like i hafto to MAKE u understand. Im soooo humiliated by all this. Uncle john tricked me, he pressured me to visit him, he told me it would be cool to hang out with him and his friends, he told me how cool his game room was with pool table, big flatscreen tv, bar, videos, he said he'd let me drink beer w him and his friends, he made me feel like i was a grown up, lik a grown man. so maybe i was stupid to fall for that but you know how ma is, she babied me and was so overprotective the idea of being treated like an adult at 15 was too good to turn down. And i think HE knew that and sometimes i think u knew that too. U remember how close me and him always were and how when he moved I acted like a complete DICK. Maybe i shoulda known back then cuz he always made me feel special and me and him had secrect. He talked to me about sex ALOT he taught me stuff to do with girls. HE showed me stuff to do with masturbating to make it extra good. IT never was wierd then, just cool. Ma didnt wanna let me go but i made her let me. this is not her fault. This will be hard for u to read dad and im sorry and please dont hate me for it. From the first day I got there uncle john and his friends used me for sex and used me for their fun. they were totally mean. they stuff to my body i didnt understand and they laughed about it and they MADE do and say stuff i didnt wanna say and do. it was NO fun for me dad I swear. On the first night it was cool, all eating pizza drinkin beer talking about girls and shit until i was kinda drunk and one of his friends just grabbed me out of nowhere, he grabbed me and when i knew kinda what was goin on i DID fight back, i struggled so hard but, theres four of them and one of me and someone kicked me in the balls and i went down, dad they put tape over my mouth they tied my hands behind my back they tore off my clothes they beat me up till i couldnt fight back they carried me over to put me on to p of the pool table and they one by one fucked me. dad they all raped me dad, there i said it. YOUR BROTHER RAPED ME and he let his friends do it to, and they did it over and over and when they couldnt any more they used bottles then the pool stick and they laughed they fucking laughed! and they kept pullin the tape offmy mouth to pour booze down my throat and they just kept going and goiong till i was just dead dad i died on that fucking table do u know that? U think im wierd cuz i cant stand alochol and i cant go to places that have pool tables and i cant get on a plane! and YES i cried and i begged SO FUCKING HARD but no matter what they just kept at it. i was so scared that i would die and was so confused and just so fucking humilated. i just gave up dad u know how that feels when theres just nothing left no hope and u dont care anymore and u dont feel like a person even just give up. During part of it one of them masturbated me while he was fcuking me and help me for saying this but i got off, then they all did that. then they said i was into it. I HATE myself for that i HATE my body for that. That was the first night, only the first night, I was with him there for THREE WEEKS and for the whole three weeks thatís how it was gangrape every night and tied up and hit and stuff that made me feel good with stuff that made me feel pain and it was all so fucking confusing, they made me blow them they all masturbated on me, they pissed on me spit on me and did even other stuff that I didnít understand what the fuck it was till I saw shit on a sex site and I dont think I will ever ever ever be able to tell anyone and ill never be the same. He left me all by myself naked and bleeding and scared to fucking death on the pool table when they werenít using me. Heíd come down and was soo nice to me asking me if I was OK, I was NOT OK, ok? and I AM NOT OK. I was so scared but I just didnít say nothing and i didnt do anything to try and protect myself. After the first couple nights I donít remember to much more I know uncle john fed me and gave me water cuz I begged him. uncle john kissed me a lot and I hated that more than anything. Like two days before I was supposed to come home it stopped. I just slept and cried and slept and cried and uncle john told me if I told anybody theyd know I was a fag and he made all kinds of threats to me and about ma. I remember feeling like I was torn up inside I was so sore all over but I hid it all from u and ma. I remember on the plane ride home I was so sick and so scared I panicked the whole way home I threw up blood. On the way home i was thinking i cant wait to see u and tell u what happened so u could help me get him in trouble and the very first thing u said to me when u saw me was BOY u look like shit! and u bitched about plane delay and traffic and money all the way home. U know how bad i just wanted a hug? Worst is Im feeling like I caused it all to happen cuz of that first night before anything happened we were hanging out I the game room drinking beers and someone had gay porn on the tv and i wanted to ignore it and just get up and leave but I got hard. So like I must have wanted it then right???????? NO thatís not true dad. Does it sound like I liked or wanted any of the stuff I just told you? Everyday I live with remembering this shit and new memories come to me all the time and honestly I cry A LOT when im alone and im so confused and I just need you to understand and to just be my dad and help me. U dont think i need to see a shrink? what the fuck dad all i have is her to talk to about this and recently i found a place with other guys who gone thru the same. How does it make u feel that ur son has to burden other guys he dont even know with all this fucking bullshit? AND they dont even know me and they been better to me than YOU!???!?!??!? even if u dont understand or wont understand and no matter what u think of me i just had to let u know how it was and how it is.