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#345260 - 11/15/10 09:13 AM Re-enactment or taking power back?
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 60
(triggers possible, be careful)

I usually write a huge post so I'll try to keep this one concise. I'm just wondering what you guys (supporters AND survivors) think about my partner Zack wanting to do certain things in the bedroom that are very similar to things that he told me his stepfather did to him. This hasn't happened in a while but it is a concern. He has occasionally asked me to do things to him that I know re-enact his abuse but he explains his reason for my doing them is to "take back" his power. He also says he wants to "take back" certain sexual acts and doesn't want them to always remind him of his abuse.

I don't mean to be graphic or trigger anyone but I understand where he's coming from. As a survivor of "mild" sexual abuse (mostly inappropriate touching), I had to learn to accept the fact that masturbation wasn't a re-enactment of what happened to me. However, Zack survived very violent abuse - including severe beatings - and I think it would be more harmful for him to want me to dominate or even "punish" him during sex. In my opinion, asking me to hurt him during sex is a LOT different from my re-learning pleasurable touch. I know he needs to process what happened to him but I don't think he needs me to hurt him in order to take back his power, and I would rather not make bondage and sadism part of my sexual repertoire. What do you guys think?


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#345269 - 11/15/10 10:27 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Lavinia]
just me Offline


Registered: 05/27/09
Posts: 194
Maybe this is an oversimplification but here's how I see it: (Although I say 'we' this is my view only; I don't speak for all CSA survivors)

We (those who have experienced early sexualization through abuse) have learned to connect the pleasure of the physical response with the act taking place, even if the act is abusive, perverse, involving a power imbalance...or just plain wrong.

We then, often, reinforce the response by fantasizing to those images and experiences. Some will also act out in this regard....and while it is true that we do this to try and process the experience and to make sense of it all...The bottom line is we connect the act with the most pleasurable feeling we know.

And then we go on to hate or blame ourselves, not necessarily for the original experience (although we do that too) but for the fact that we continue it, over and over and over and over again by our own actions and thoughts. Because it is what we have learned to desire!

[The above is an effort to explain how WE get there...but YOU still have to be comfortable and should explain what is acceptable to you]

_________________________
My Story

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#345287 - 11/15/10 12:32 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: just me]
Lavinia Offline


Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 60
Thanks for your feedback, just me. It's true that I need to state what I am comfortable with in the bedroom, no matter what Zack needs to do to process things. We have a solid relationship and I shouldn't be afraid to voice my concerns. Thanks again.


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#361019 - 04/29/11 08:05 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Lavinia]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Wow, reading this is so wonderful, that a caring partner would ask such questions.


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#361164 - 05/01/11 12:16 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: risingagain]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi



Edited by Disappointed (06/22/11 04:22 AM)
Edit Reason: Life happens.
_________________________
Female.

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#361207 - 05/01/11 09:57 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Cool, D. I think it's really great of you that you listened to what he likes and that you found ways that were not hurtful to give him that.

Sexual fetishes are very individual and may or may not be healthy for the person. I'm still sorting out all of that for myself.... I try to look at how I feel afterward.... do I feel uplifted or reduced?


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#361282 - 05/02/11 04:11 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Originally Posted By: Disappointed
But I agree with Just Me, "The bottom line is we connect the act with the most pleasurable feeling we know." I believe he wants it because he finds it pleasurable.


You left off the last part of what JM said though...."And then we go on to hate or blame ourselves, not necessarily for the original experience (although we do that too) but for the fact that we continue it, over and over and over and over again by our own actions and thoughts. Because it is what we have learned to desire!"




Originally Posted By: Disappointed
He's dating someone else, and although I'm a envious, I don't worry about it. He tells me what's really going on in his mind, he tells me things he hasn't even told his therapist and would never tell his girlfriend. He denies the title for her, but I'm sure she wouldn't!


Interesting....and sigh


Originally Posted By: Disappointed
I'm glad I didn't just take anyone's word for it, that playing his game was bad of me.

Me..Just anybody..that hurts..;)


Originally Posted By: Disappointed
...... Same thing, I asked why he wears a certain thing he likes to wear alot, and I had a theory, and when I asked if my theory was right, and in a hushed voice, he admitted it was.
What do you or him do with that realization once you found it?

Still sounds off to me..but as always just my opinion...I feel badly for the other person who thinks there might be a relationship..if she doesnt know about you..but you didnt mention whether she knows about your play or not.





_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#361306 - 05/02/11 10:04 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Castle]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I totally agree with Castle. If this other woman thinks she has some attachment over your friend and she doesn't know about your play, then she should know. It kinda sounds like you enjoy having "control" over him because you offer him something she doesn't. Are you really "okay" with him dating this other woman or is it just that you know he will come back to you because you play? Is that healthy for him, you, or this other woman? Also, I don't think it's helpful to be playing therapist for him. It's not fair to you (or at least, not healthy for you). You can support him, sure, but it is NOT our job to play psychotherapist with survivors. Trust me, I had to learn that the hard way.


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#361340 - 05/03/11 11:13 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: hopeandtry]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
if i read D's post right, i think she is describing a situation she has found greater peace with.


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#361341 - 05/03/11 11:17 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: risingagain]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
do you think, D though that the other girl your friend is seeing could be getting hurt by this?


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#361350 - 05/03/11 01:20 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: risingagain]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I'm not wishing that D not be at peace. My concern is that this other girl may not know what's going on and also that "feels" good to us may not always be healthy (and that includes for the survivor). It's not healthy for me to play therapist with my ex because it's not good for either of us. Some of that is expected, but going too far can have a lot of negative consequences (plus it begs the question, why am I not spending time on my own life rather than trying to be someone else's therapist). Sorry if I was judgmental last night...I had a bad night and short fuse. If I said anything harsh I apologize (though I'm definitely still concerned about this other woman be aware of this play).


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#361351 - 05/03/11 01:23 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: risingagain]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Honestly rising....How the survivor is doing is of more concern to me..although he doesnt come here..and I dont know if he knows we al know how he "plays" and the like.

I can tell you, and its my opinion, I found a lot wrong with what I have read, in regards to this situation.

I can be "hapy" that this survivor is 'playing" with somebody whom is "safe"...but I question a lot about the games and the "relationship" and here at MS I'm allowed to do that.

I really would like to see if this Survivor/Friend could get to MS and discuss whats happening with him.....ie... he doesnt want a real relationship, but wants to "play"..and I really wonder if this is what he really "wants"...I mean its safe so and if it works why not on a full time relationship...but now another woman is involved...yikes..

On topics close to this with F&F I'm gonna speak up...and to the original poster I would say dont do something you dont want to..and speak with a T about it either individualy or together.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#361406 - 05/03/11 11:05 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Castle]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I don't remember who posted it here, but someone posted this funny, funny set of photos with the Presbyterian and Catholic churches arguing on their signs about whether dogs go to heaven. The Catholic church said dogs go to heaven, and the Presbyterian church said dogs don't have souls and don't go to heaven.

My friend's dog died a few months ago, and I sent him the link because it was so appropriate. He looked at it, but as far as I know, he hasn't otherwise checked out this site.

I tried. Also sent him the WOR brochures via email....





Edited by Disappointed (06/22/11 04:26 AM)
Edit Reason: life happens.
_________________________
Female.

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#361407 - 05/03/11 11:09 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Also, dear Castle,

Listen, I took to heart what you said, and didn't play for a while, but my friend likes it. He told me at the very beginning he would have issues afterwards, but told me to ignore that. He would have issues either way.....

He's self-aware. Let him be captain of his own fate. We're two complementary souls. Have a little faith in him. I do.

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#361408 - 05/03/11 11:23 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
To Castle and others,

One more thing. The silence and isolation make abuse possible, and then aggravate its ill-effects. He becomes more comfortable over time in telling me all kinds of things. This is a good thing for him - that he has someone he feels able to talk to about things he's not comfortable sharing with what Robbie Brown would call "normals." As time has gone on, he tells me about more and more areas of his life. This is healthy for him and helpful for him.

It's important for me to accept him as he is, not as I want him to be. He's not a fairy tale, he's a human being.

He's interesting to me. I enjoy him. I help him. He enjoys what we do. It's not perfect, but it's the best we two can do. That's good enough for me. And I'm honored he trusts me.

D.

P.S. And by all means, Castle, speak up! That's why we're here!!!

P.S. Also, as for the girl he tells me isn't his girlfriend: anyone dating a man who's been divorced more than once ought to have her antennae up and do her homework before she gets attached. As I'm CERTAIN John Gray recommends in his book, "Mars and Venus on a Date." LOLOLO LUV that BOOK!



Edited by Disappointed (05/03/11 11:35 PM)
Edit Reason: Added second postscript
_________________________
Female.

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#361416 - 05/04/11 03:21 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59

Hi D.
I was wondering if you see a therapist?

Julia.


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#361431 - 05/04/11 08:16 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Julia]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Julia,

No, I don't.

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#361462 - 05/05/11 12:32 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Hmm. It's complex, obviously, and far be it from me to judge you. One thing I know from being a man who is both gay and an incest survivor is that it sucks when other people project their idea of what a healthy relationship is and try to give me advice based on that.

While I believe there are some universal Truths in relationships, and there are some places where I clearly draw the line. But I feel there are a lot of gray areas. Each of us has been given the freedom to choose. We also experience the consequences of our choices. I do not want to judge you, I am simply glad you are here.

My main concern for you in your situation would be for the wellbeing of not only your friend but also his 'girlfriend'. Since you are meeting in secret and there is a closeness in your relationship, there is a potential for trust to be harmed. I think we should consider the impact of our actions on others, even if we do not know them.

That's simply my opinion.

All the best for you.

M


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#361496 - 05/05/11 12:33 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: risingagain]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (06/22/11 04:28 AM)
Edit Reason: life happens
_________________________
Female.

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#361499 - 05/05/11 02:00 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
As always I wonder why this is at MS?....what do you want from us?..how is it you describing your friend and your "play", can help anybody here?

If it was part of a marriage or relationship and want to understand why...i can wrap my brain around that....but thats not it...on the sexual/fetish level you are a booty call....as a survivor friend he seems to "trust" you enough to share his feelings and thats great..i just am not seeing how or what this brings to the recovery table.

And I dont care about fetish, many people have them..but on MS a CSA/SA survivor site, I just dont understtand what it is we or others are to get from this.

It does seem you have connected with a few here...and if you have frendships and such stick around...but honestly I dont want to hear anymore about how you "play" with your "friend" whom isn't here and has no benifit to us....i'm sure you can find a fetish site to talk all you want about the topic and how to be "better' at it for him...and its sad that he wil feel badly at the end and thats it...maybe at some point we could help him.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#361500 - 05/05/11 02:55 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Castle]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I don't think it's your responsibility to provide support for a man who is essentially cheating on his girlfriend. He has issues, sure, and I feel for him, but that doesn't make what he and you are doing okay. It's a violation of her trust and just because he's been divorced doesn't mean she should guess that he is playing with another woman. I don't get the reasoning there. In any case, if he doesn't have anyone to talk to, that is not your problem. Trust me, I've had to come to terms with that myself. Being supportive is totally fine, but if it means I'm involved in something that could hurt me, him, or someone else, then I don't have any obligation or "need" to be in contact with him.


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#361501 - 05/05/11 03:02 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: hopeandtry]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
Also, I meant to say, it really bothers me that the responsibility is being put on this other woman for not being smart enough to guess what is going on! Say what???? How is she to blame for someone else's behavior that is a betrayal to her??


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#361503 - 05/05/11 03:49 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: hopeandtry]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
The rich ironies in my life...

Dear Castle,

I'm here, because he's my friend, and I never knew anything about abused children. This was all new to me. And I am trying to understand him. Very hard. I have read thousands of posts on this board. Thousands. I have read three books recommended. I've watched a movie that's been recommended by Pufferfish.

I am here to understand a survivor. And I am beginning to understand.

That is why I am here.

That's it. I want to understand. That is what this site is for, for friends and family. To help us understand.

I have read your thoughts and you have been very negative. I understand your viewpoint. He and I have discussed your viewpoint. Not by name.... I have seriously considered all the comments you have made over the months. Weighed them very carefully because I am trying to do good for him, not to do harm.

So, I am here trying to understand.

As far as betrayal, she would not believe what he does is good for her or acceptable I suppose. I would disagree that it is bad for her. I'm objective about harms, not emotional. He fulfills his obligations, all of them. And I observe I know a lot more about the situation than Hope4Him.

Now, let's see hell break loose.

I will point out the obvious: they are not married. That is the hard fact of the matter. If she doesn't like his behavior, she can move on. I'm not, unless he marries her. And then, when she divorces him, I'll return if that's what he wants.

Now, there's nothing to see here. I'm busy learning about male survivors so I can be a good friend. He has so many of the feelings described by so many here: fear of people being around him, of being touched, isolating and keeping his secrets, compartmentalizing his life, keeping himself very busy so that he can't think, a fear of thinking, taking on high risk activities, overcoming alcoholism,... a bad therapist who told him he was a bad child...

I can see so much of him in what the men here write about themselves.

And Robbie Brown's comments about the catastrophes of disclosure have been sobering to me. Very sobering. My friend has a lot to lose.

I'm here to learn, Castle. And I'm learning about my friend, a male survivor. Who happens to have a fetish. Which doesn't disqualify him as a survivor, or me as his friend.

D.



Edited by Disappointed (06/22/11 04:31 AM)
_________________________
Female.

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#361508 - 05/05/11 05:57 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Also - I forgot - I posted initially because of Lavinia's original questions. I do not doubt as a wife, her husband may be telling her what he thinks she can handle.

As someone who isn't married, as someone who plays some of these games with a survivor, my experience may be helpful to her.

Maybe it's not. But she and I grapple with the same questions, but have done it at different times: is this harmful to him? do I really want to do this?

I have come to my conclusion: it's not harmful to him, and it is actually helpful to him. And I don't mind it.

But there is still more to understand.

Castle, if you're not interested in what F & Fs have to adapt to, then don't read what we write.

Dear Lavinia:

When I first met this man, I wrote to a professional dominatrix, trying to figure out how this worked. How he ticked. I didn't really understand what she said at the time, but she did say she had a stable relationship with what is called a "bottom," (a man who only wants this occasionally, when he's in the mood), and she specifically wrote to me that their relationship was very normal, except that every once in a while, he wanted her to tie him up, and if I remember correctly, beat him. Which she would.

Of course, she's a pro, and I'm sure she knows how to be safe and all that.

I've checked on a website I know, and it shows them as still being together. So, whatever they are doing works for them.

So, trying to live with this, there are lots of things to learn. It's a tightrope.

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#361519 - 05/05/11 10:49 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59
Lavinia,
I would go with my gut... actually, I did. My friend had some requests that I found too uncomfortable to partake in so, I didn't. I find it highly unlikely you'd do anything to hurt your, Zack. At least not on purpose. He is very lucky to have you.

And I wanted to say something to D. And because it ties into Lavinia's topic, I don't feel I run any serious risk of hijacking her thread.


D.
I asked about the therapist because it may be a good idea for you to have someone qualified to talk to. Someone you can go to to help guide you through this. There was a time in my relationship, where my boyfriend and I came awfully close to him using me in order to actout. Sex can be tricky when the person you love has been deeply wounded by sex.

Later, I found out he was "doing bad stuff" (his words)with a woman. He, like your friend, confided in her about certain things. I know this because I found her number and called her. She told me that they had a "just sex relationship" and that she was ok with that but they were also good friends. I know that was a lie (she was good with it) because I read some of her emails and she was all bullshit that he called me his girlfriend and wouldn't her.

I am not saying I know what will happen between you and your friend but, if he feels bad after your playing... this is not a good sign. As he gets healthier he may not like these games and he may see you as a damaged person for playing them with him. I know that may sound unfair but I do know it is what happened with my ex and this woman he played games with. She has been out of his life for a long time. He is still in mine as a friend.

I don't know you personally but I do remember reading awhile back some things you wrote. You are an adult and you sound like you have it figured out and your fine with it. But, I feel that most women who are sexually intimate with a man.... they develop feelings for him. Most women can't give themselves to someone in that manner and not feel more than friendship.

I believe that he means a great deal to you. I see that in the way you are here at MS. Be careful. If your not concerned about the other woman he is seeing, if it doesn't bother you that he is seeing her then care for yourself. If you want a real chance to be with him down the road, don't do anything that can further damage or hurt him.

Honestly, I would question dominating him in any way. Call it what you want.... fetish, fun, games, playing.... considering what he has been through, sounds to me they may have been words used to belittle what his perp did to him. I wasen't comfortable with certain things so I didn't do it. When I found out about the other woman (who didn't know about me) he had to come clean . He told me that he felt bad for asking me to do certain things and that she would do them. He said he didn't want me "in that mess", that I was too good for that and he was so ashamed.

None of this is easy, it can be complicated at times. Basically, if you care about him, be his friend. Don't loose yourself in trying to please him. You might make worse for the both of you.

Take care.
Love,
Julia


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#361528 - 05/05/11 11:49 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Julia]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I'm not sure if the hell breaking loose comment was directed at me or not, but I assure you I will not be making any more comments on the matter after this. If you don't understand our concerns about this other woman, you don't.


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#361549 - 05/06/11 08:46 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: hopeandtry]
sally123 Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Latv, I hope this post has helped you, and that you and your husband continue to grow closer... D,As I read these posts I couldn't help but see a parallel between the secretive abuse a survivor experiences and the secretive relationship you are having with your friend. It just seems that like a perpetuation of the abuse... Julia writes a beautiful message to you. It is obvious that you do care a great deal about your friend, but I think from the outside it is easy to see how this secret relationship is dangerous and based on secrets and fantasy, and has the potential to harm you and others. I hope that doesn't seem judgmental, rather a voice from a concerned observer. Many times we put ourselves in situations and denial allows us to see/feel as we wish. Been there. I wish you peace.


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#361553 - 05/06/11 10:15 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: sally123]
aloved1 Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Lavinia, it's great that he can express these things to you. Communication and boundaries are so essential, and I do agree with everyone who says do not do anything you are not comfortable with. Keep that communication going, and my best to you both.

Disappointed, Julia said it best and so eloquently in her message to you. And you have to tread carefully because although he may not view this "play" as negative now, he may as he gets healthier, and as you have taken on the most active role in this "play", he may possibly come to resent you. My boyfriend also chooses to leave me out of the mess. I hate how he does it, as he tends to run away and detach; however, that, along with what he has confided in me, tells me that he does care and respect me underneath all of the yuck. I am safe to him. Never deceiving, never playing or toying with him. In my honest opinion, I just don't think "role playing/fantasies" are healthy to CSA survivors. I say this with all due respect, as I am no therapist. By the way, seeing a therapist is never a bad idea. I came to the conclusion that I just couldn't deal with all of this alone anymore, and have sought therapy. Maybe it is something to consider.

Also, I do question if you are at all following one of the biggest rules to partners. Are you taking care of yourself? Do you have your own interests and hobbies aside from your boyfriend? I only ask because something you said was of some concern. You said that should he marry the other woman, you would still be there for him when he gets divorced, if that's what he wanted. What about what YOU want? Would you really wait around and just continue where you two had left off?

I mean no disrespect nor judgment. I am just trying to understand and in doing so, provide my honest opinion and advice, as that's what we are here for on MS. My best to both of you!!


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#361564 - 05/06/11 02:18 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: aloved1]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (06/22/11 04:19 AM)
Edit Reason: Life Happens.
_________________________
Female.

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#361771 - 05/09/11 05:35 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59
D.

I have stated before that I was given great advice here. I was advised to find out why I was attracted to a man so badly broken.... that there was something for me to learn about myself.

I understood that he's not your boyfriend and that the playing is his idea. Here's the thing though, your friend was broken inside a long time ago. His boundaries and his concept of things have been damaged. I'll go out on a limb and bet that he struggles a great deal about who he is. He may say or think by partaking in "playing" activities may help him but once agian, you are dealing with a man who has been deeply wounded.

If you are the less broken of the two of you and you care about him.....that leaves you (in my opinion) to make right in your friendship with him. Not only for him but for yourself.

I read here once that, Survivors were wounded in relationship and that it will be in a relationship that they will find healing. In your situation.... in your relationsip with your friend, do you truly feel that partaking in secrets or knowing he is misleading another woman, is that helping him become the man he was meant to be? Is it the woman you want to be? If he feels bad or ashamed after playing with you, how does that make you feel? I know if I allowed myself to be vulnerable to a man in an intimate situation and he felt bad about what we had done, I can assure you, we wouldn't be doing it together again.

It is true that you cannot make your friend do anything that he doesn't want to do. But, you can inspire him to want to do right... to want more for himself. And inspiring someone can be as easy as leading by example. To support them in safe possitive ways. You say you listen to him, that he tells you things that he tells noone else. If he is telling you that the play bothers him and you know that he has been hurt by being sexally abused.... if you care about him, why risk further damaging him?

There came a time in my relationship where I had to end it. Not because I didn't care but because I felt being in eachother's lives wasen't benefiting either one of us. I would do anything in the world to support him the only thing I wouldn't do is play a part in his failing.

I have to be honest D. I don't get a good feeling that a positive outcome is on the horizon for the two of you in regards to a healthy relationship. I get a sense that there is some serious closing of the eyes going on and denial. It happens to the very best of people.... But when I feel I could be witnessing it happening, I have the need to say so.

I haven't anything left to share with you on this matter but to wish well and be safe.

Good luck.
Love,
Julia


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