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#361350 - 05/03/11 01:20 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: risingagain]
hopeandtry Offline


Registered: 07/28/10
Posts: 476
I'm not wishing that D not be at peace. My concern is that this other girl may not know what's going on and also that "feels" good to us may not always be healthy (and that includes for the survivor). It's not healthy for me to play therapist with my ex because it's not good for either of us. Some of that is expected, but going too far can have a lot of negative consequences (plus it begs the question, why am I not spending time on my own life rather than trying to be someone else's therapist). Sorry if I was judgmental last night...I had a bad night and short fuse. If I said anything harsh I apologize (though I'm definitely still concerned about this other woman be aware of this play).


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#361351 - 05/03/11 01:23 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: risingagain]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
Honestly rising....How the survivor is doing is of more concern to me..although he doesnt come here..and I dont know if he knows we al know how he "plays" and the like.

I can tell you, and its my opinion, I found a lot wrong with what I have read, in regards to this situation.

I can be "hapy" that this survivor is 'playing" with somebody whom is "safe"...but I question a lot about the games and the "relationship" and here at MS I'm allowed to do that.

I really would like to see if this Survivor/Friend could get to MS and discuss whats happening with him.....ie... he doesnt want a real relationship, but wants to "play"..and I really wonder if this is what he really "wants"...I mean its safe so and if it works why not on a full time relationship...but now another woman is involved...yikes..

On topics close to this with F&F I'm gonna speak up...and to the original poster I would say dont do something you dont want to..and speak with a T about it either individualy or together.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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#361406 - 05/03/11 11:05 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Castle]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
I don't remember who posted it here, but someone posted this funny, funny set of photos with the Presbyterian and Catholic churches arguing on their signs about whether dogs go to heaven. The Catholic church said dogs go to heaven, and the Presbyterian church said dogs don't have souls and don't go to heaven.

My friend's dog died a few months ago, and I sent him the link because it was so appropriate. He looked at it, but as far as I know, he hasn't otherwise checked out this site.

I tried. Also sent him the WOR brochures via email....





Edited by Disappointed (06/22/11 04:26 AM)
Edit Reason: life happens.
_________________________
Female.

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#361407 - 05/03/11 11:09 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Also, dear Castle,

Listen, I took to heart what you said, and didn't play for a while, but my friend likes it. He told me at the very beginning he would have issues afterwards, but told me to ignore that. He would have issues either way.....

He's self-aware. Let him be captain of his own fate. We're two complementary souls. Have a little faith in him. I do.

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#361408 - 05/03/11 11:23 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
To Castle and others,

One more thing. The silence and isolation make abuse possible, and then aggravate its ill-effects. He becomes more comfortable over time in telling me all kinds of things. This is a good thing for him - that he has someone he feels able to talk to about things he's not comfortable sharing with what Robbie Brown would call "normals." As time has gone on, he tells me about more and more areas of his life. This is healthy for him and helpful for him.

It's important for me to accept him as he is, not as I want him to be. He's not a fairy tale, he's a human being.

He's interesting to me. I enjoy him. I help him. He enjoys what we do. It's not perfect, but it's the best we two can do. That's good enough for me. And I'm honored he trusts me.

D.

P.S. And by all means, Castle, speak up! That's why we're here!!!

P.S. Also, as for the girl he tells me isn't his girlfriend: anyone dating a man who's been divorced more than once ought to have her antennae up and do her homework before she gets attached. As I'm CERTAIN John Gray recommends in his book, "Mars and Venus on a Date." LOLOLO LUV that BOOK!



Edited by Disappointed (05/03/11 11:35 PM)
Edit Reason: Added second postscript
_________________________
Female.

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#361416 - 05/04/11 03:21 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59

Hi D.
I was wondering if you see a therapist?

Julia.


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#361431 - 05/04/11 08:16 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Julia]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
Hi Julia,

No, I don't.

D.

_________________________
Female.

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#361462 - 05/05/11 12:32 AM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
risingagain Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 595
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Hmm. It's complex, obviously, and far be it from me to judge you. One thing I know from being a man who is both gay and an incest survivor is that it sucks when other people project their idea of what a healthy relationship is and try to give me advice based on that.

While I believe there are some universal Truths in relationships, and there are some places where I clearly draw the line. But I feel there are a lot of gray areas. Each of us has been given the freedom to choose. We also experience the consequences of our choices. I do not want to judge you, I am simply glad you are here.

My main concern for you in your situation would be for the wellbeing of not only your friend but also his 'girlfriend'. Since you are meeting in secret and there is a closeness in your relationship, there is a potential for trust to be harmed. I think we should consider the impact of our actions on others, even if we do not know them.

That's simply my opinion.

All the best for you.

M


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#361496 - 05/05/11 12:33 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: risingagain]
Disappointed Offline


Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 540
Loc: U.S.A.
lll



Edited by Disappointed (06/22/11 04:28 AM)
Edit Reason: life happens
_________________________
Female.

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#361499 - 05/05/11 02:00 PM Re: Re-enactment or taking power back? [Re: Disappointed]
Castle Offline


Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 727
Loc: NJ
As always I wonder why this is at MS?....what do you want from us?..how is it you describing your friend and your "play", can help anybody here?

If it was part of a marriage or relationship and want to understand why...i can wrap my brain around that....but thats not it...on the sexual/fetish level you are a booty call....as a survivor friend he seems to "trust" you enough to share his feelings and thats great..i just am not seeing how or what this brings to the recovery table.

And I dont care about fetish, many people have them..but on MS a CSA/SA survivor site, I just dont understtand what it is we or others are to get from this.

It does seem you have connected with a few here...and if you have frendships and such stick around...but honestly I dont want to hear anymore about how you "play" with your "friend" whom isn't here and has no benifit to us....i'm sure you can find a fetish site to talk all you want about the topic and how to be "better' at it for him...and its sad that he wil feel badly at the end and thats it...maybe at some point we could help him.

_________________________

My posts can self destruct at any time..read them while you can.

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