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#345238 - 11/15/10 01:38 AM how do i help my spouse?
rubens56girl Offline


Registered: 11/14/10
Posts: 6
Loc: new york
i so want to help him understand having "sex" (his words, not mine) at the age of 7, was not that at all. but he is so not willing to discuss it. wish i could just tell him, it's okay to tell, you are safe. but he won't. a few years ago, our son was able to release his own shame and told me about his sexual abuse. and i, as a mom as well as a survivor, confronted his abuser. but somehow, i made it worse for my husband. husband clamped shut. i thought by watching oprahs show with him, it would help him. a few years ago, a therapist told him little boys can't even have erections at that age. that therapist s comment sealed my husbands fate. he won't talk about it. how i wish i could help him. i wish i could rescue that little boy.


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#345846 - 11/20/10 11:11 AM Re: how do i help my spouse? [Re: rubens56girl]
rubens56girl Offline


Registered: 11/14/10
Posts: 6
Loc: new york
so we spoke. but he still insists he became 'sexually aware at the age of 7. those words thanks to therapist Norman. norman who said boys can't have erections at 7. that boys can't have "sex" at 7. so a therapist really blew it. incredible, how is it possible this professional could feel pain for my own sexual abuse episodes,but could deny my husband?? is the abuse of our male children so under reported that even professionals refuse to acknowledge it? I am angry! angry that my son, my spouse cannot speak out loud about their pain. without being labeled by society or family as weak. that they as males, have been taught that adage MEN DON"T CRY and live it every day. so when are we as a society going to change it? when is Rambo going to disappear? that this life brings pain, and its okay to feel it that it's fine for men to be scared. instead of tucking it away in the dark recesses of their souls? to learn that tears, with each droplet, are an expulsion of pain? a release of those feelings that are okay to have but not okay to hide away. don't let those tears become a river. just don't. the levee will break.i see it everyday in my husband. he has become hard, unfeeling almost. but i understand the reason now. I AM SO ANGRY!! i know my own anger comes from within my own abused life. as a female i was taught 'we don't get angry and we don't sweat". girls don't do that was my parents mantra. we stay quiet, we perspire. bs. i gave myself permission to get ticked off and sweat. i so wish my son and husband could cry about those little boys. i wish they could go back and rescue the scared, SCARRED, boys. victimized and held captive by terrible memories. stuck. man, i would want to be Rambette. get rid of those adults who victimize our children. and then rescue our children with the healing power of love. no violence. they have suffered enough. man. not easy for me as a wife and mom. but so much harder for them. imagine, my son tried, his dad denied him. my husband tried, his therapist denied him. compassion. to feel for the other. relationship, to relate, to retell a story. tears, to tear away pain. abuse, abhtorrent use of a another. i really want to change my label as survivor doesn't cut it for me. hero is a better word. person of great strength and courage, favored by the gods, admired for courage and nobility. that is so much better for everyone on this site. heros. peace out, peace in.


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#345848 - 11/20/10 11:35 AM Re: how do i help my spouse? [Re: rubens56girl]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7819
Hi Rubens56girl, and welcome to the site. I'm glad that you're here and seeking how you can help your husband and son. As you've already seen in your own life, navigating the results of sexual abuse is like a minefield - you never quite now where to step next but hope it doesn't blow up.

It's really unfortunate that your husband had that lousy therapist, since I think therapy is such a crucial part of recovery from sexual abuse. So many wrong and damaging ideas are pleased in the head of a sexual abuse victim by the perpetrators, that it takes professional help to undo those ways of thinking. As a good friend once told me, it's a real mind-fuck. What the abusers did to my head is far worse than what they did to my body.

I think most men have to come to a point of self-realization before they will see that they need help. At least that was the way it was for me, and what I have seen in a lot of guys that come here. That realization is that the old ways of coping aren't working anymore, and that we know something is fundamentally wrong with the way we look at life and relate to others. We know we can't run anymore, because we've been running from it all our lives and haven't outrun it. Those themes are the ones I've seen expressed here over and over again. I hope the Family & Friends members or others will chime in here and give you some thoughts on this, I know I probably haven't offered much, but wanted to let you know I hear you and support you in how you're trying to help your family. All the best to you.

_________________________
Eddie

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#345855 - 11/20/10 12:12 PM Re: how do i help my spouse? [Re: EGL]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
Your son and husband are so very lucky to have you in their life. So many csa victims do not. My wife and I survived abuse too and have bui built a great but family together. Her T told us years ago never assume behind the doors of all the pretty houses on our street others are not fighting their own demons. We have seen marriages fail kids get busted and on and on. Not us. Won't happen. Take a deep breath. You are a great woman. So is my wife. That's awesome.

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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#345857 - 11/20/10 12:48 PM Re: how do i help my spouse? [Re: EGL]
rubens56girl Offline


Registered: 11/14/10
Posts: 6
Loc: new york
thank you for your kind thoughts. he has expressed those same words and i am hopeful for him. it is difficult, to hear him say "sexually aware at 7 " when it is such a wrong way to feel. i am aware it is the words of his abuser that are still present in his mind. i am hopeful that someday, he will come to own his own thoughts. not the ones planted by his abuse, but those planted by his own hands. that he will understand sex at 7 is not about love. nor is it acceptable for any other 7 year old. how do i share this thought with him without being judgemental? any advice?? peace out peace in


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#345859 - 11/20/10 02:15 PM Re: how do i help my spouse? [Re: rubens56girl]
kb8715 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
RG, sometimes I find it easier not to say the words, but that is me. Talking about it hurts too much or is too humiliating. Knowing I have my wife's support is all I need. She says to me each week when I get back from my T session, I just want you happy.....Keith

_________________________
"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my oldest son's senior year HS Yearbook.

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